Tag Archives: WTF

How I Met Your Father: the one where 21st century dating lingo got one up on me AGAIN

Kids, you remember how 21st century dating lingo got the best of me in 2016? Well, in 2017, I was seriously f***ing lost in translation!

sam winchester no idea
Image credit: http://www.unibaggage.com

July 2017 …

I’d swiped right on the hot Julianno’s photo on Tinder and we were a match! Hallelujah!

“According to tinder, I should say hello 😉 “, he texted and from there we were chatting away merrily until…

I asked him to tell him more about himself and he responded with:

“I’m a musician, nutrition advisor and I do a bit of modelling. But all in all, I’m journeying intentionally”

Wait… what?

confucius
Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com

What new f***ery was this?! Even after I asked this Confucius wanna-be to explain further, all he could offer was “Simple… my moves are intentional and with purpose”.

I was still pretty confused, and I had to turn to your auntie Lee-Anne, mistress of deciphering guys’ bullshit, to translate for me.

“Honey, when a boy says shit like that, what he means is he is only looking to f***”

Oh! Right, so basically he is like Mr Instantaneous Convergence of two years before.

No wonder he disappeared from my DMs like mist before the sun after the conversation died out.

F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: Online Dating, the good, the bad and the downright ugly

Kids, generally I took a break from online dating in February each year before I met your father, because the month of love tended to bring out the crazies.

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Image credit: AmandaLee

Unfortunately, I didn’t heed my own sage advice in 2017 and so I was confronted with the good, the bad and the downright ugly of online dating:

The good:

MusoSuperhero (31) was a comic book lover who enjoyed playing in a band on his off weekends. He was fun, keen to chat to me daily and was always texting me when he had a moment to ensure I didn’t think he was neglecting me.

With his quirky sense of humour and dedication to his family, we seemed to be a good match and I couldn’t wait to meet him. More about him in a future story!

The bad:

Sigh…. for every good online dater, there are the bad apples. Like FratBoy24 who, after assuring me left, right and centre that he would NOT ask me for nudie pics if I gave him my number, promptly did so.

Boy, don’t make me slap you:

bitch-slap

After refusing to send him photos of my lady pillows steadfastly over the course of Valentine’s Day, the asshole started ghosting me.

F*** it! NEXT!

The downright ugly:

In this category we have two horrible contenders. Let’s start with Turkish Delight.

A halting banter, because of his broken English, ensued for the better part of a week and we’d agreed to meet the following week.

In the middle of a standard “how’s your day going” conversation, Turkish Delight hits me with: “How big are your bum and tits?”

are-you-kidding-me

Nothing in the conversation leading up to this was sexual in any way so where the hell did that come from?

After berating him for treating me like an online escort, I blocked his ass faster that he could say “Güle güle”

If I thought that was bad, OkStupid dutifully spat out this gem:

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I kid you not!

Gods, why was finding someone to date so bloody difficult?!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: Cape Town’s Bridget Jones in New York

“Oh my Gawd! I thought the restroom was empty …Sorry!”

ohmygod
Image credit:www.reactiongifs.com

Kids, this is what a gorgeous, blonde American yelled at me as I stood, pants around my ankles in the middle of trying to close the damn unisex loo door at Applebee’s in New York

I had, quite stupidly in my haste to relieve myself, neglected to lock the toilet door properly and been caught sans pants (and undies!).

Sigh…

I may well have been finding my feet as a free-spirited solo traveller but obviously my Bridget Jonesesque tendencies had followed me from Cape Town. This was as bad as that time I flashed people at Beta Beach!

fifty-shades-of-kill-me-now
Image credit: http://www.someecards.com

I was absolutely mortified for a split second, thinking that I had now further endorsed Americans ‘views on African citizens being uncouth. Then I realised, well f*** it, at least one other person had seen my fabulous ass in the Big Apple, and that’s ok with me.

Next!

How I Met Your Father: 5 things running taught me about dating

Kids, by the spring of 2016, I had been a novice runner for a year and a bit, competing in several racing events ,including the Old Mutual Two Oceans Marathon and the Gun Run.

I was having tons of fun blogging about my transformation from couch potato to relatively fit runner and to my surprise, running helped me get a new perspective on my love life (or lack thereof).

Here are five things running taught me about dating:

  1. Just do it:

Procrastination might very well be my middle name because I was always putting off going for a run, in the same way I put off going on dates.

Whether I was hurriedly slipping into running trainers or high heeled boots, I always found that once I committed to the act of running or dating and actually did it, I felt much better afterwards.

To quote the most epic of philosophers, Nike:

just-do-it
Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com
  1. Be patient:

No one runs and wins a half-marathon on their first go so what made me think I was going to meet The One immediately?

All good things come to those who train and dating was my training. I needed to give myself time and stick to a healthy regime of meeting new people at events I liked going to like Fan Con or Zombie Walk; online dating sites; parties; set-ups or speed dating hang-outs.

  1. Being nervous is ok:

Man, did I get butterflies in my tummy before every run and date! My heart would race a mile a minute, my palms would be sweaty and I would be thinking “Why the f*** am I doing this?!” every five minutes in the lead-up to the big event.

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Being nervous was ok, though, and helped me get excited about what lay ahead, both on the road and in love.

  1. When you fall down, get back up:

Getting my heart broken or being stood up hurt every bit as much as falling flat on my ample sized butt on the road but if I could motivate myself to get back up and run again, I could get back out into the dating scene again too.

Sure, every WTF online dating pick-up line or extremely bad date made me want to run for the hills (ha-ha, pun totally intended!) but I managed to shake it off and bounce back stronger than before.

  1. Having support is important:

Your Spirit Mom Leo was the one who set me on the path to running greatness by encouraging me to enter races, running some of them with me (and providing ample motivation in the form of naked Alexander Skarsgard, Matt Bomer and Henry Cavill photos …hee hee!) and providing a platform for me to document my progress with a monthly blog post.

Similarly, she and your Uncle Tendai listened to my crazy dating tales, tried setting me up on blind dates, were my wing people and told me some much needed motivational stories about their own love adventures.

No runner can do it alone and neither can a dater.  House of Wyrd, you rock my world!

Running may not have had me quite on Whitney Houston’s path to love:

i-wanna-run-to-you-o

BUT it did get me out and about and on the road to happiness.

How I Met Your Father: Online dating opening lines that make me go WTF?!

Kids, dating at the best of times is a minefield of awkward moments but online dating takes it to another level of “dear gods, why?!”

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Image credit: http://www.pinimg.com

Your poor spirit mom Leo and Uncle Tendai were privy to my almost daily assault of just what the actual f*** opening lines or messages from wanna-be suitors, like this one:

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Really?! Judging from my sweet profile pic where I am posing with our family fur kid Tigger, this guy thought I was into BDSM?

Sigh

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

I didn’t even bother responding because a) he was not the Swedish god I want (Alexander Skarsgard shall forever be my one and only) and b) idiots and perverts aren’t worth my precious time … F*** it, NEXT!