Tag Archives: Supernatural

How I Met Your Father : Mr Overeager Part 3

Kids, I’d pressed pause on finding your Dad in 2017 and thought that dealing with too-keen Lothario wanna-bes was a thing of the past…

overeager
Image credit: http://www.warpedspeed.com

Sigh..

Turns out that men in real life are just as thirsty and not ashamed to say it.

Meet Mr Overeager 3.

December 2017…

I met up with your Auntie Cynthia at the Cape Town Festival of Beer where she introduced me to her new friend Thirsten ( yup, his name is a dead giveaway!).

She’d met this 30 something-year-old law student at our local Slug & Lettuce, shown him a photo of me and invited him along to meet me, hoping we’d hit it off.

So far so good.

Bear in mind, though, that I have two types: tall, blonde,blue-eyed and handsome or tall, brunette, brown-eyed and mysterious.

I give you Exhibit A:

and Exhibit B:

Thirsten, though sweet, was Cape Town’s answer to Kevin Hart:

Kevin Hart
Image credit: Entertainment Tonight

Again, one cannot judge a book by its cover so while Cynthia wandered off to explore the Festival again, I invited Thirsten to tell me about himself.

Why?!Why did I even ask?!

Out came the long,sad story about how he’d been set up with a girl by his law firm colleagues just to mess with his mind; how she’d been lying to him the entire five months they were together and how she broke his heart.

Him:” But, you know what?”

Me: “No, what?”

Him: “I’m thankful she opened my eyes and heart to loving Indian Malay looking girls like you…”

Sweet Baby Jesus…are you kidding me?!

Thirsty AF
Image credit: Know Your Meme

As if that low-key racism and his constant touching me when I did not ask nor want him to weren’t bad enough, Mr Overeager 3 ended the evening on a spectacular douchebag note…

After I politely but very firmly told Thirsten that he could not join Cynthia and I at our next event ( a Pulse Boys male strip revue), he pulled Queen C off to the side for a hug and a talk.

A talk,as it turns out, in which he complained to Cynthia that he thought we were all going back to one of our places for a threesome.

WAIT…

Tropic Thunder
Image credit: Memegenerator

Bro, why can’t a nice afternoon spent at a beer festival,getting to know two beautiful women, just be that?!

Mother of f***ing dragons! Do all men walk around in this world assuming that every woman wants to sleep with them?!

And then to make that assumption out loud? F*** NO!

We kicked Mr Thirsty to the curb and wandered off into the night to get our Magic Mike thrills elsewhere…

How I Met Your Father: the one where 21st century dating lingo got one up on me AGAIN

Kids, you remember how 21st century dating lingo got the best of me in 2016? Well, in 2017, I was seriously f***ing lost in translation!

sam winchester no idea
Image credit: http://www.unibaggage.com

July 2017 …

I’d swiped right on the hot Julianno’s photo on Tinder and we were a match! Hallelujah!

“According to tinder, I should say hello 😉 “, he texted and from there we were chatting away merrily until…

I asked him to tell him more about himself and he responded with:

“I’m a musician, nutrition advisor and I do a bit of modelling. But all in all, I’m journeying intentionally”

Wait… what?

confucius
Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com

What new f***ery was this?! Even after I asked this Confucius wanna-be to explain further, all he could offer was “Simple… my moves are intentional and with purpose”.

I was still pretty confused, and I had to turn to your auntie Lee-Anne, mistress of deciphering guys’ bullshit, to translate for me.

“Honey, when a boy says shit like that, what he means is he is only looking to f***”

Oh! Right, so basically he is like Mr Instantaneous Convergence of two years before.

No wonder he disappeared from my DMs like mist before the sun after the conversation died out.

F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: The One with the Psychic and the Pastor

psychic faz
Image credit: www.tokyo2.us

“When are you having a baby? Don’t you want children?”

Kids, in the autumn of 2016, I was sick to death of hearing this statement flung at me by smug married women and seemingly exemplary goddesses of fertility and I was hard pressed not to respond with a biting sarcastic reply like:

“No, of course not. I mean that’s totally not why I have been dating everything that moves, subjecting myself to torturous blind, online and speed dates and wondering why in all the known universes it’s so bloody difficulty to meet, marry and shag someone in order to produce miniature versions of ourselves. Thanks for asking, though!”

I had , of course, hit the pause button on my biological clock after a particularly  bad round of online dating but that didn’t mean my ovaries didn’t explode with love and hope every time I held a ridiculously gorgeous bundle of joy.

After yet another of these annoying rounds of questions into my potential babe-producing plans, I flash backed to that time I met with a psychic for a look into my future…

August 2010 …

Six years previously, I had been newly unemployed, living off my TV publicist pension and looking forward to my upcoming Italy Contiki trip.

But, I still felt that all-too familiar ache that something was missing – you.

So, when a friend suggested I meet with her family’s psychic, I was honestly desperate enough to do so.

Don’t get me wrong:  I have a huge respect for sensitive people with extraordinary senses – I ‘ve had enough brushes with it, working on a TV dating show with a clairvoyant and  via my own dreams which often come true and ones in which dying relatives have come to say farewell to me, to know that mediums possess amazing gifts.

On this particular winter afternoon, I was extremely nervous and ok, somewhat sceptical – I really wanted whatever this man was about to tell me to be true but I also didn’t want to put all my faith into it, lest I be disappointed.

After doing a quick analysis of my personality and getting a reading on my desires, telling me I should pray for the things I wanted, he gave me the following prediction:

chruch wedding kiss

“You will meet your future husband and father of your six children when you are 30. He will be a God-fearing man, perhaps a pastor, and you will raise your children in a loving home.”

Right … anyone who has ever met me will know that religion in any form and I have a bit of a chequered history. I believe in a higher power, just not necessarily a particular dogma and even in the midst of my joblessness singledom, I knew that the chances of me falling for a man of the cloth was unlikely unless he was one of the Winchester brothers in costume …

winchester bros
Image credit: supernaturaltv.wordpress.com

BUT

By 2016, I was once again wondering how much truth lay in the old man’s prophecy. It was true that someone from my past with a deep religious affinity had reappeared in my life just after my 30th birthday but he was married and I had already sworn off unavailable men for good.

Was your father just one crystal ball gaze away? The future, as you can tell, was anyone’s guess …