Kids, dating at the best of times is a minefield of awkward moments but online dating takes it to another level of “dear gods, why?!”
Your poor spirit mom Leo and Uncle Tendai were privy to my almost daily assault of just what the actual f*** opening lines or messages from wanna-be suitors, like this one:
Really?! Judging from my sweet profile pic where I am posing with our family fur kid Tigger, this guy thought I was into BDSM?
I didn’t even bother responding because a) he was not the Swedish god I want (Alexander Skarsgard shall forever be my one and only) and b) idiots and perverts aren’t worth my precious time … F*** it, NEXT!
Kids, as you know, in the winter of 2016, 21st century dating lingo was confusing the crap out of me .At the time, I thought that that was the worst I had to contend with – boy, was I wrong!
Over and above the absolutely befuddling slang they used, online dating prospects also seemed to have WAY over inflated egos.
I give you, the ways of the dumbass online men:
Bachelor Number 1:
“Is it shaved or bushy?” he asked, eagerly awaiting a response.
I stared at my screen, my jaw literally dropping to the floor and certain that I must have read wrong. Surely a thirty-year-old Brazilian man I had never met nor been contacted by before had not just straight up emailed me to ask about the grooming and state of my lady bits?
I even thought that maybe he had confused with someone he’d been chatting to for a while and mistakenly emailed me. Sadly, I put way too much faith in the basic decency of the male population online.
When I furiously hit reply and demanded to know just who the f*** he thought he was talking to, he responded that of course, he was talking to me and that he needed an answer immediately to help him reach his, uh, happy place.
Hells to f*** no, dude! You’re blocked!!
My prayers for a suitor with online finesse were not answered because of …
Bachelor Number 2:
“”Admit it, you think I am totally f***able!” he asked arrogantly, making me wish I could reach through the screen to smash his stupid head against a wall.
Seriously?! This fool, who didn’t bother to introduce himself, let alone say Hi like a normal person, expected me to say what exactly? That yes, I did indeed find him so utterly irresistible, I couldn’t wait to tell him? My inner sarcastic critic was dying to pull a Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate about You move:
For the love of Hades, what the actual f*** was wrong with men in 2016? Had they no respect for the women they were trying to pursue? Had the world gone totally and utterly bonkers?!
I learnt to love that block button like it was my best friend. NEXT!