Tag Archives: single in cape town

Love

How I Met Your Father: The shady neighbour DM slider

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Kids,I’ve found over the long, LONG course of my singlehood that people (i.e. wives and girlfriends) assume that single women are so desperate, they are hitting on guys,especially attached ones, constantly.

Oh hell no!

More often than not, we’re batting these desperate men away with holy water and a cross:

tenor
Image credit: Tenor

Case in point: my shady AF neighbour, Sean.

2014…

I was struggling to get my cranky car Mr Winchester to start just outside of my apartment building in Vredehoek when Sean leaned out of his window to yell his “helpful” advice (something about turning the key again… what do I know about cars?!) at me.

I ignored him and eventually got the car started.

2015…

There I was minding my own goddamn business on the MyCiTi bus when Sean plonked himself down next to me, interrupting my very serious Crossfire erotica reading to “introduce” himself.

Him, in that way that coloured men think is hot but SO isn’t: “Do you remember me? I helped you with your car last year. I’m Sean”

Me, rolling my eyes because clearly my resting bitch face was not on point and my book didn’t seem to give this idiot a clue that I wanted to be left the f*** alone: “Vaguely… I’m Fazielah”

Awkward silence followed until he disembarked.

The following two years saw more of these awkward exchanges at the bus stop until he befriended me on Facebook.

2017…

Sean would see me around the building or out on a random Game shopping trip in the City Centre or spot a photo of me with friends on my timeline and like the crap out of said photo.

I’d talk to him when he talked to me but he was so far from my usual type, with his tracksuit pants, earrings in his ears, his Citi Golf. I mean, you guys know that I am a full on tall, blonde, blue-eyed man fan,right?!

revving engine
Image credit: Quickmeme

One night, following a classic display of a coloured man showing interest in a woman by revving his car’s engine at me ( Lord Jesus, WHY do they do this?!), Sean slid into my DMs with:

“You really looked beautiful tonight”

I entertained this shit for a while because a) I am beautiful and b) awww until…

He started posting photos of his girlfriend. Are you f***ing kidding me?!

ddt0spu

Dude, hitting on another woman when you are dating someone else is SHADY AF!

I ain’t nobody’s sidepiece or late night bootycall.

NO… absolutely NOT!

2018…

I had deleted his jerkass from my Facebook friend list and was going about my life as usual when…

The morning run-in happened on my way to a weekend away with your Nan, Aunt Sam and friends.

We said hi and I declined his offer to help me carry my bags to my Uber.

I kid you f***ing not, barely 30 minutes later I received this:

“You looked beautiful by the way”

Look, I am not opposed to receiving compliments from a man but when that man belongs to someone else and still insists on hitting on me, there’s a problem.

block facebook
Image credit: Someecards

It was time to find the block button because ain’t nobody got time for lying, cheating jackasses.

Love

How I Met Your Father: Downtown kisses in Cape Town

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November 2017…

“Can I ask you something?”, the tall, blonde stranger asked, leaning into me and whispering in my ear…

“Sure!”, I answered, in a haze of hormones and bravado spurred on by my run-in with ignorant married people earlier that day.

“Can I kiss you?”, he asked, and I nodded yes before he laid one on me…

Kiss me. Image credit: Giphy

Kids, it wasn’t the best kiss of my life (that had been Myles a lifetime ago at my TV job) but it was my first since my Harlem hottie in New York three years prior and well, sometimes a girl just has to get her smooch on, you know?

It was my birthday weekend and while I was finally coming into my own as a woman and writer after Argentina, I needed a reminder that I was young, hot, single and free to do what and whomever I damn well pleased.

Your aunts Cynthia and Lee-Anne were the perfect partners-in-crime for my night out on the town, making friends with random strangers, laughing all night and dancing like no one was watching.

Dancing like no one’s watcing! Image credit: Giphy

It’s ok to let go and be young every now and again. It’s a lesson I’d need to remember often over the year to come…

Love

How I Met Your Father: No Date November

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Kids, as you’ll recall, I hit the pause button on finding your Dad as a birthday present to myself in November 2017…One week and a bit into this experiment, things were going relatively well.

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Image credit: http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

With my fingers getting a break from swiping left or right and my eyes lifted up and away from my phone screen, I was getting out and about in Cape Town.

Sure, I hit some bumps in the road like Mother Nature wreaking havoc on social outings:

HowIMetYourFather November 2017

But, this online dating detox also got me back into the habit of flirting with baristas at markets:

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Image credit: www.fullredneck.com

Him: “Enjoy your hot chocolate… maybe next time we can enjoy a coffee together?”

Me: “Only if it is as hot as you are”

Three minutes later, it was the next stall holder’s turn trying to engage me into a conversation about Wonder Woman, in relation to my wearing a branded t-shirt.

Getting hit twice in the space of minutes? Totally unheard of and I was loving it:

Image credit: http://www.yourdailydish.com

With every upswing,though, there has to be a downside too…

Sigh…

You’d think that with me being off dating apps, the sleazy DMs would stop but of course, I was still a magnet for online weirdos:

Image credit: Pinterest

Lourens was clearly so turned on by my dismal walking pace on my Garmin Challenge tracker, he felt the need to say “How ya doin?” on the app AND by sending me a message on Facebook!

This wanna-be Casanova had no work place, address or content on his profile page, save for endless photos of a baby.

Oh hell no! Meet my little block button friend, brother… F*** it! NEXT!

Love

How I Met Your Father: hitting the pause button on finding your dad pt 2

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Kids, as my birthday month loomed in 2017, I decided it was time to hit the pause button on finding your Dad again…

hitting the pause button
Image credit:

See, 2017 had been one f***ing hellish year of online dating for me and I was broken,tired and just plain done.

done
Image credit: Quickmeme

I wanted you more than my own soul but the sheer effort it was taking to meet a mostly decent, straight, emotionally and financially stable, quirky, interesting, well traveled and good man was killing me.

Just reviewing my top horrible online dating experiences of 2017 was nearly, but not quite enough, to put me off men forever:

  1. The Oversharer 2 who not only initially tried and succeeded at putting me off with his neediness but then had the f***ing audacity to bodyshame me six months later. Asshole!
  2. The Bad and the Ugly online daters who were either propositioning me for a three way or repeatedly asking for nudes when I had already said hell to the no!
  3. The Perfect Online Guy who got away and left me longing for a Drogo and Khaleesi fairytale ending that would never be.
  4.  The Non-Date boy who, after making us go Dutch, said goodbye to me with a wave… and I bloody wore stockings and dress for this one!
  5. The DM Slider asswipe who wanted a back massage three messages in.
  6. The Ankle Interruptus Lothario who vanished without a trace when I tore my ligaments trying to get to him. Also, thanks for nothing, Jerk, my budding running career had been put on hold because of my date sustained injury.
  7. The cat-fisher who not only lied about his looks but was a borderline stalker too.
  8. The wanna-be Christian Grey who wanted to be dominated. Uhm, hard pass, thanks!
  9. The fool who stood me up. My ego and heart took a long time to get over this one.

While November 16 was my Name Day, I decided spending the entire month of November dateless and offline would be my gift to myself.

Even Cupid knows when he has f***ed up one too many times.

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Image credit: http://www.wp.com

 

Love, Travel

How I Met Your Father: CT Girl in Argentina

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Kids, in September 2017,my wandering heart (and very busy working body – wait… not like THAT!) found its way to the sensual and vibrant Buenos Aires, Argentina.

tango argentina

Resting place of Evita, home to the empanada, the Japanese Botanical Garden and… tango!

As I mentioned before, this was a business trip so there wasn’t much time for exploring but I was determined to do some sightseeing and explore the city’s exotic cultural offerings.

Here’s what I learnt in Buenos Aires:

Be passionate about everything:

The Argentines ooze passion in everything they do: how they love, fight, work and dance!

Tango in Argentina 😍

A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on

It’s actually quite intoxicating. So much so, that when it is time to leave their beautiful city, one really does want to say “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!” :

 

Be in the pursuit of magic always:

I’ve seen jaw-dropping magic shows in Las Vegas and New York so I was quite keen to see one in South America. As my journey came to an end, time constraints were real and it didn’t seem like I was going to find my taste of magic in Buenos Aires.

Until…

During a night out at the Tango Porteno, in the middle of a tango extravaganza, female magician  Inga Savitskaya appeared and dazzled us with her Invisible Partner act. Lesson learnt: always be in the pursuit of magic!

 

Embrace your sensuality:

From shamelessly indulging in dulce de leche, the sweet caramel treat Argentina is famous for , to giving into the erotic tension of a tango show, the Argentians are decadent, hungry and sensual beings.

My heart yearns for tango lunches in La Bocca😍 #CTGirlInArgentina

A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on

After watching the intensity of dancers on a lunch time wander through La Bocca, a colourful downtown neighbourhood, I wandered down the cobbled streets of Galerías Pacífico .There, the most handsome, well-built men made a point of stopping what they were doing to openly stare and appreciate the sight of me.

Bearing in mind that I was in work travel mode and didn’t do anything fancy to my appearance, other than tie my hair up in a braid, I was equally flustered and flattered at the same time.

Far from being creepy, these men’s visible appreciation of me made me rediscover my sensuality. I made a promise to myself then that from that moment on I was going to embrace my inner sensual self by wearing sexy underwear and make-up and styling my hair everyday. Not for any guy but for myself – to celebrate the strong, independent, creative, free-spirited, beautiful, sensual, world traveller and woman I was.

To paraphrase your uncle Herman, I was in the prime of my life and I should be out in the world, swinging from the chandeliers ( or at least taking life by the horns!).

And I did, Kids, I really did:

Faz sensual 2

 

 

Love

How I Met Your Father: A PSA to smug marrieds and otherwise attached people

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Kids, today’s abject lesson in why people should mind their own gods-be-damned business comes in the form of a public service announcement I wrote in September 2017.

Have a gander at this:

Dear Smug Marrieds and Otherwise Attached People (including my f***tard of an Uber driver the other night),

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Image credit: Yarn

This evening I had to listen to one of your ring-wearing,boring AF breathen tell me that, and I quote, “You’re 31 and still not married? Being married is then so nice! What’s wrong with you?”

The answer, in short, is NOTHING!

Why the f*** do you assume that because I do not have a ring on my finger and I am not attached to a man/woman, that there is something wrong with me?

Newflash, you idiots, singledom is not a f***ing disease!

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Image credit: Pinterest

Just because you cannot live without someone to check in with and share your every goddamn move all day everyday, someone to cook,clean and care for and vice versa, someone to share a bank account with, someone to moan to your friends and mother about when they inevitably do not live up to your expectations, does not mean that I have to do the same.

Please, for the love of the gods, leave me be. I am a successful, independent, beautiful and happy young woman with a searing passion for love, life, travel, magic, family, friends, Alexander Skarsgard and Game of Thrones.

The next time you feel the impulse to bless me with your unsolicited comments about my singleton status in person or online ( I swear to the gods if I get one more “I’m so glad that I no longer have to deal with online dating woes” from a newly coupled blogger, I will burn their sites down, Wight Viserion-style!), don’t!

viserion
Image credit: Vanity Fair

And don’t, I am begging you with tears in my big, beautiful, brown eyes, say shit to me like “When you are in a relationship, you’ll understand” when I wonder out loud why the f*** you gave up all of your individuality for a partner who doesn’t appreciate you.

If that is what passes for love and committment these days, you sir/madam, can keep that shit to yourself.

I am only going to say this once, so listen carefully:

I am not:

  • Too picky
  • Too full of myself ( I am f***ing beautiful, intelligent and amazing. I deserve the best!)
  • Inferior to you ( treat me with the same respect I do you)
  • Too old to wait (some people only find their equals later in life)
  • Too difficult (I know what I want and who I am. If a man can’t deal with that, that is his f***ing problem!)
  • A man hater ( trust me, if you had to see my browser history or my past loves, you’d know I love men)
  • Child-adverse ( children are drawn to me like magnets and my ova are screaming out to be fertilised)
  • Too independent ( utter this shit to me and I will bitch slap you!)

Yes, I am a Destiny’s Child poster girl and I am f***ing proud of it!

I’m not sorry my singledom makes you squirm because you’re secretly jealous of my freedom.

Go f** with someone else’s mindset.

Love,

Fazielah

 

 

 

 

 

Love

How I Met Your Father: the one with the cute guy on the bus

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Image credit: http://www.flickr.com

“You seem like a sweet and amazing person and I just had to speak to you…”, he said, his light blue eyes twinkling in the afternoon sunlight.

I blushed prettily and thanked this kind and soft-spoken cute guy on the bus for his compliment:

“You’re too kind, sir.Thank you for being brave enough to talk to me. I won’t forget this unexpected encounter”

He disembarked soon after, leaving me to marvel at the wonder of life and surprising moments…

Sounds like the makings of an incredible meet-cute, right?

giphy

Well, my sweet and cute guy was an 80-year-old Greek man who felt moved by the Seven to talk to me on a winter’s day in 2017.

Usually, my resting bitch face was enough to stop anyone, except my loved ones, from even attempting to talk to me on a MyCiTi bus ride to or from home.

As you may have noticed from years of living with me, I am NOT a morning person… I am not much of an afternoon person either, depending on the type of day I’ve had.

not a morning person
Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com

And on this particular Friday, after dealing with an egotistical radio personality at the summit of Table Mountain, I definitely was not in the mood for any kind of chatting up by anyone.

Santos,proving that they just don’t make gentlemen like they used to, didn’t let my scowling demeanor deter him, though.

“Can I offer you some advice from an old man? No matter where you go in the world – Russia, Greece, Spain, America, there is no place better than Cape Town. You will do well to come back here again – where are you from? You’re not from here, right? You don’t look South African. Come back here and settle in this beautiful city.”

I smiled, temporarily shaken out of my bad mood, and pleasantly surprised by Santos’s confidence:

“I am from here, born and raised in Cape Town.  You are right, though, there is no place like the Mother City”

In the space of 5 minutes from the Gardens Centre stop to his Highlands Avenue one, Santos reaffirmed my belief in men, people, love, family ( he had his first child at 32 – “There is time,my dear, there is time. You will be a mother when it is meant to happen”) and that making your destiny happen is up to you.

“My darling girl, God/Allah/Buddha moved me to speak to you today so before I go, remember this: Where there is a battle between will and imagination, imagination always wins. You can do, be and have anything. Keep smiling that beautiful smile. Until we meet again…”

Sigh…

It was enough to make a grumpy girl swoon:

giphy1

You were way out of my age category, Santos, but yes, until we meet again …

 

 

 

Love

How I Met Your Father: the one with the Fifty Shades of Grey wanna-be

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“So, I take it you’ve seen I like to be dominated by women, right?”

This, Kids, was the hot, abs-to-bloody-die-for Jeremy’s opening line to me, after we’d swiped right on each other on Tinder in August 2017.

Had I just stumbled upon Cape Town’s Christian Grey? Oh my…

rihanna giphy

Actually, I hadn’t see this particular kink of his. I, unashamedly so, had swiped right based on his hot AF profile photo without actually reading his profile.

Yes, yes, I was a wanton hussy, falling for physical appearances.

As I may have mentioned before, I have control issues and I have always thought of myself as a female Christian with singular tastes but this interaction with Jeremy was making my inner Ana tremble in… fear? Anticipation? I don’t know!

ana gif
Image credit: http://www.tumblr.com

Biting my bottom lip, I replied to his message:

“Well, I do now…”

Jeremy clearly found my dominatrix skills lacking and vanished from my inbox, never to heard from again.

Damn it, where are my handcuffs when I need them!

 

 

Love

MS LILU’S SINGLE THOUGHTS: HOW TO DEAL WITH MR COMMITMENT-PHOBE

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Him: “I like you but…. I don’t want a relationship for the next 5 years”

Me: “Then why did you ask me out when I told you I am a relationship girl, you dumb shit!”

Let me tell you a little story about someone I met after Dr Douchebag. This one just so happens to be a doctor as well. Sadly, no McSteamy or McDreamy…. well he’s Mcsteamy but I ain’t telling him that! Nah ah booboo.

Funny-Nah-Meme-Nah-bruh-im-good
Image credit: http://www.picsmine.com

No, I am not a doctor nor do I work in the medical field – it was just a really weird time where for some reason the men I met through friends all turned out to be medical professionals.

We met, sparks flew in every which way possible. I know he was super into it because he literally ran to get back to me when he had to leave for about 5 minutes to” get smokes” as he calls it. He could not be away from me for longer than a few minutes, we liked the same things and had similar interests in travel and life. He’s into online gaming, I’m in to online gaming so… nerdgasm right?

austin powers nerdgasm
Image credit: http://www.images.gr-assets.com

And he totally fit my tall dark and handsome requirements. The friends we were with melted in to the background of wherever we were and all that was left was the two of us. This is the beginning of a great love story right, RIGHT?!

So f***ing wrong!

We hit it off and we kept in touch. We have “The Talk:

I tell him I’m a relationship girl and that I don’t do the casual thing. Which he responded to by trying out some moves which I deflected with my ninja like abilities because they don’t call me Chun Li for nothing!

They call me Chun Li because of my eyes and hair but I digress…

Everything was going well and we went out a few times and a few months go by and he decides we need the talk…. again.

The same spiel comes out that I had already played out in my head, except for a few minor tweaks.

It started off quite normally:

Him: “I like you, this is amazing never felt like this before and I want to get closer much closer…”

Same old same old right? Hold on to your hats, Bitches, shit’s about to get real…where did we leave off…ah yes:

Him:” I want to get closer … but is it ok if we bang and I don’t speak to you for like two weeks because that’s just who I am? Also, I don’t want a relationship with anyone for five years but I feel this is something that we can build on. This, you and me thing …do you agree?”

commitment phobe cape town
Image credit: http://www.pinterest,.com

Please join me in a moment of silence for this almost relationship because it’s dead now!

I’m sorry… WHAT?

Why the F***?!

Why ask me out in the first place if you did not want to pursue something more?! Why keep up the pretence?!

Why the f*** not just say you want a special friend to help you when you have an itch?! I would have understood… and by that I mean I would have walked away a lot sooner  – A LOT sooner!

Y’all men make it so hard not to hate all of you from the get go…

This experience left me asking “How can a doctor be so stupid”? I mean in your years of reading books about the anatomy and whatever else ,you could not pick up a book about how to not be an idiot …they have a whole series of For Dummies books. YOUR NAME IS IN THE TITLE!!

Boys pretending to be men are stupid and this more than solidified my belief that it doesn’t matter how many degrees or PhDs you have, it doesn’t make you a man. Anyone can memorise tons of reading material. Too bad he couldn’t memorise a relationship book -namely how not to be a dumbass in one!

real men online dating
Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com

If anyone knows where the real men are ,could you drop a sista a line, send a smoke signal or something cause I’m done with this.

I am not shaving my legs unless you’re worth me looking extra cute or it’s a really hot summer day and I want to wear a skirt!

 

Love

How I Met Your Father: the one with the seriously hot doctor

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The hot, blonde blue eyed doctor swept all of his belongings off his desk in a fit of passion before striding towards me, to lift me up and ravish me on his hard, so hard, table top…

hot doctor

It was Eric and Sookie in the flesh and oh, I was hot and bothered alright!

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Image credit: http://www.tumblr.com

My heart ached with longing, my body was pulsating with lust and my brain couldn’t possibly handle the sheer sexiness of an afternoon roll in the hay when he said:

“Contraceptives? Do you use them, Fazielah? I need to know as it might affect what I can prescribe for you.”

Wait… what?!

Ah, f***! I wasn’t embroiled in a daytime quickie with my hot new doctor. He was just taking my temperature and asking medical questions during my latest chest infection appointment.

Whilst I tried to stop blushing profusely at the very inappropriate fantasy I’d been having, Doctor McSteamy wasn’t helping matters by stroking my wrist, neck and face with his super soft hands.

Great, just freaking great… the most action I’d gotten in years from a seriously – I want-to-drop-my-panties-and-make-a-baby-with-you-hot-guy and he was my bloody married new doctor.

I would now need to change my GP again.

Sigh… a girl just can’t win! F*** it! NEXT!