Tag Archives: online dating

How I Met Your Father: The one where I got catfished again!

Kids, the Autumn of 2018 was SO not a great online dating period for me… not only did I get unsolicited nudes but I also got catfished AGAIN!

To add insult to injury, in the space of a few days, it happened not just once, but f***ing twice!

It felt like the love gods hated me:

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I’m getting ahead of myself… let me tell you about the two jerkfaces who lied to me…

Mr Big Fat Liar New Yorker…

Richard (37), from Manhattan, New York (my favourite city) and I had “met” on OkCupid a year ago and his Italian looking good looks, along with a quirky sense of humour, had me eager to continue the conversation offline – or at least on Hangouts, since he didn’t have WhatsApp.

We exchanged photos, naturally, and when I initially questioned the almost too-polished look of his, he said he’d done a professional photo shoot recently and wanted to share them with me.

I let sleeping dogs lie and we continued to chat.

After a year of texting, sexting (something I had NEVER done with anyone until that point) and a promise that if we are ever in each other’s cities, we’d get together, we were about to have another “adult” chat when I stopped it short and asked for an updated image of him.

Richard: “Why now? Don’t you trust me? LOL”

Me: “No, actually, I don’t… your last few bottom pics don’t seem to match your profile photo.”

Richard: “Haha… you caught me! Let’s just say they don’t match because I didn’t think my real looks were worthy of you””

Wait… what?!

I’d opened up electronically and intimately to someone who looked nothing like what he said he did and he was being flippant about it?!

I voiced my hurt, my concerns and my outrage that he would knowingly catfish me like that and his response was:

“Well, if you cannot accept me for what I really look like, then you’re shallow””

F***er no! You lied and deceived me and you wanna call me shallow?!

Time to block your lying, cheating ass, motherF***er!

aaaaand-now-youre-blocked

Mr I Love You Too Soon Changes Names…

After two months of silence from Clifford, he of the I Love You Soon declarations, and after I’d deleted Tinder, OkCupid and every online guy’s numbers from my contact list. I got this text:

“Hello my Princess. How are you today?”

I was confused AF as to who this could be because the number was unsaved so the following exchange occurred:

Me: “I’m sorry… who is this?”

Him: “Oh wow! You don’t remember me? It’s Charles.”

Now I was even more confused because I definitely had never chatted to a Charles and wasn’t in the mood for games.

Me: “Charles who?”

Him: “Oh, sorry… I forgot I didn’t use that name when chatting to you before. It’s Clifford”

F*** a f***ing zombie! Why the f*** do men lie like this?!

Aside from his super irritating pre-mature declarations of love and calling me Baby, he had also lied to me for four months about his name?! Are you f***ing kidding me?!

I took him to task about lying and he turned around and said I was a hateful person.

No, that was the last goddamn f***ing straw… I’d had it up to here with men online!

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Image credit: me.me

How I Met Your Father: the one where I realise I am too old for this dating s***

Kids, in 2018, I was starting to feel once again like Danny Glover about dating:

See, I’d struck up a conversation with Mathys (31) on Tinder, which moved to Whatsapp and every single one of his texts were filled with abbreviations and sms speak… and you guys know my thoughts on this particular language:

One particularly confusing moment happened like this:

Him: “What r u up 2?”

Me (channelling my inner Carrie Bradshaw/any f***ing writer  or hell, a normal adult who uses full godamn words):  “I’m off to a movie with friends. It’s an open air cinema and I am excited. What are you up to?”

Him: “LOMB”

Kids, I kid you f***ing not – it took me THREE hours to decipher this text.

I felt like Sherlock doing a complicated mind palace:

After much pondering, soul searching and chatting to my ancestors, I realised LOMB meant…

Lying on my bed.

Of course it did:

Gods, Kids, if I couldn’t even successfully have a decipherable conversation with a guy via text, how the f*** was I going to share my life with one?!

 

How I Met Your Father: Don’t call me “Baby”!

Kids, in 2018, I came to the realisation that probably one of the main reasons I was still single was that I just couldn’t handle pet names and more specifically, being called “Baby”.

I mean, why the f*** do people have this insatiable need to bless their significant others with cutesy nicknames that made me want to vomit every time I heard them?

Where was this tirade coming from, I hear you ask? Well, remember Mr I say I love you too soon?

We were still chatting for a while after his premature exclamation of catching feelings and one particular evening, he was ending every goddamn sentence with “Baby” on WhatsApp.

Not matter how many times I gave him the Nymeria seen face…

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he just carried on calling me “Baby”.

At this point, I was fuming because for the love of f***Destiny’s Child, my mama had blessed me with a strong AF name (which literally means superiority!) so how hard was it to:

Brother man needed to be schooled, hard and fast. The next morning, we had it out in a series of texts:

Me: “So… what’s with the Baby thing?”

Him: “I guess it’s not cool?”

Me: “It’s not”

Him: ” Are you sure? Well, sorry about that if it’s not cool with you”

Me: “I don’t do pet names… we are not teenagers or lovesick puppies so cut that s*** out”

Him: “Ok, I will respect your choice but most times I can’t resist it because I cannot resist you”

Gods…

For this explanation, I needed to dip back into my 15-year-old self’s favourite feminist song selection:

Got it? Good!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the Fifty Shades of Grey wanna-be

“So, I take it you’ve seen I like to be dominated by women, right?”

This, Kids, was the hot, abs-to-bloody-die-for Jeremy’s opening line to me, after we’d swiped right on each other on Tinder in August 2017.

Had I just stumbled upon Cape Town’s Christian Grey? Oh my…

rihanna giphy

Actually, I hadn’t see this particular kink of his. I, unashamedly so, had swiped right based on his hot AF profile photo without actually reading his profile.

Yes, yes, I was a wanton hussy, falling for physical appearances.

As I may have mentioned before, I have control issues and I have always thought of myself as a female Christian with singular tastes but this interaction with Jeremy was making my inner Ana tremble in… fear? Anticipation? I don’t know!

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Image credit: http://www.tumblr.com

Biting my bottom lip, I replied to his message:

“Well, I do now…”

Jeremy clearly found my dominatrix skills lacking and vanished from my inbox, never to heard from again.

Damn it, where are my handcuffs when I need them!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the one where 21st century dating lingo got one up on me AGAIN

Kids, you remember how 21st century dating lingo got the best of me in 2016? Well, in 2017, I was seriously f***ing lost in translation!

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Image credit: http://www.unibaggage.com

July 2017 …

I’d swiped right on the hot Julianno’s photo on Tinder and we were a match! Hallelujah!

“According to tinder, I should say hello 😉 “, he texted and from there we were chatting away merrily until…

I asked him to tell him more about himself and he responded with:

“I’m a musician, nutrition advisor and I do a bit of modelling. But all in all, I’m journeying intentionally”

Wait… what?

confucius
Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com

What new f***ery was this?! Even after I asked this Confucius wanna-be to explain further, all he could offer was “Simple… my moves are intentional and with purpose”.

I was still pretty confused, and I had to turn to your auntie Lee-Anne, mistress of deciphering guys’ bullshit, to translate for me.

“Honey, when a boy says shit like that, what he means is he is only looking to f***”

Oh! Right, so basically he is like Mr Instantaneous Convergence of two years before.

No wonder he disappeared from my DMs like mist before the sun after the conversation died out.

F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one where I got catfished

Kids, in the winter of 2017, I was dipping my toe back into the online dating pool after the disastrous ankle-interruptus incident when I “e-met” haagen_dazsmania on OkCupid.

From his profile photo, he looked like a South African version of the red headed Montague cousin in Romeo& Juliet:

benvolio red head
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Red heads weren’t my usual type, unless you count Tom Hiddleston (and Hello Love, who wouldn’t want a piece of that?!), but I was trying to date outside of my comfort zone so I entertained haagen_dazmania and his many, many messages online.

Image credit: http://www.twimg.com

A cheese producer, my new suitor was into books, fantasy series, chocolate, cats, shopping with his sister, big romantic gestures ( asking me at one point how I’d feel about a massive chocolate bouquet delivery at work) and leaving me rhyming couplets via voice notes daily ( his voice sounded sexy so I was really looking forward to seeing the face behind it).

After a week we moved onto text messaging and phone calls. I was initially annoyed because he seemed to need a lot of attention and you guys know how I felt about selective social interaction. Texting me incessantly throughout the working day and up until after 11pm at night was NOT the way to winning my heart.

Fast forward to our first date and after my initial reservations, I was excited about getting ready for the date, Whatsapping photos of my outfit to your Spirit Mom and Uncle Tendai.

I didn’t have too many butterflies floating around in my tummy whilst waiting for haagen_dazsmania to arrive at the Stacked Diner in Tamboerskloof but I was pleasantly nervous.

This could be the start of something new – I felt like a High School Musical cast member:

Sigh…

When will I ever learn that online dating is a pitfall of liars and crooks?!

The man who showed up for our date was at least 10 years older than his profile photo , overweight and way shorter than he’d indicated online!

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Image credit: http://www.ebaumsworld.com

I was not so shallow as to judge men on their looks (ok, who am I kidding? My dreams were filled with a naked Alexander Skarsgard!) but haagen_dazmania was balding, wearing a peak cap, his shirt buttons were about to pop and his teeth needed a whitening badly.

This was not someone I could envision sharing a bed with, never mind cursing you, my future babies, to share a genetic pool with.

His appearance, coupled with his need to text me while I was in the ladies for two minutes and his critique of my looks and personality made me want to dash and run at the speed of light like a female The Flash:

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

But, because I had promised myself I was going to give guys more than one date to impress me, I sat through two hours of him talking about himself; making shocking comments on the state of the security in South Africa;his friends’ wealth and emigration plans; how I seemed to be very busy and how could I possibly balance my extensive love of movies and books with my constant socializing.

The entire time, he was reviewing my looks ( “Nice dress, it really compliments your brown complexion” – are you f***ing kidding me?!); my expressions and eyes ( “You have a smirk on your face , is that how you usually look?” and “Your eyes are really brown. I’m sorry, I am totally mesmerized by them” and my personality ( “You’re hot and scary and so direct about what you want”).

The final straw for me was his views on how travel and children just took too much effort and were expensive undertakings. I’d been very upfront online and in person that seeing the world and having you were my top priorities. These were non-negotiables and I needed a partner who not only wanted these things, but was passionate about making them happen.

After politely ending the date on the pretext of collecting your Spirit brother and sister in Hout Bay ( I didn’t have to get them), I left in a hurry.

Which didn’t stop him from trying to call me and sending needy texts about how he was worried he’d scared me off. Dude, learn when to back the f*** off!

cat fish online dating
Image credit: http://www.potentash.com

A few days and another goddamn 11pm text later, I released him back into the online wild. Go well, Sir, and cat-fish someone else with your old photos.

F*** it! NEXT!

 

 

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the pervert shutdown

Kids, after my ankle-interruptus date with Hellrider83, my ego was hurting more than ever and, whilst I  wasn’t actively looking for my next date online, I wasn’t not looking either…

Enter michealallthetime, a 31-year-old account manager for petrol giant Engen from Goodwood, on OkCupid.

Great start but Mister doesn’t even have a profile pic of himself, just a wide shot of the beach – red flag number 1.

Within two messages of not introducing himself as it were, he’s asking if he can be really honest and forward with me…

Since your momma wasn’t born yesterday, I could see that this was a prelude for being sexually inappropriate but to mess with this idiot, I was like “Sure, but how about you start by telling me your name?”

Sigh…

I swear it’s like giving a bull the go ahead with a red scarf, the way the Spaniards do in bullfights.

Off he goes with the name details and then hits me with:

“I’m in the mood to be super naughty. I’m looking for a girl for long term too but for now, I wanna get dirty.”

Sweet Mother of God… why, WHY did I seem to attract these horny fools?!

Fed up with the sheer audacity of some jackass who was too ashamed of being online to post a real profile pic but seemed to think it was perfectly OK to make me feel like a digital whore, I needed to school this fool and school him hard.

I channelled my inner Beyoncé and levelled his stupid ass with this:

“Look, Son, good on you that you want to be dirty and all but, as per my profile, I am a grown ass woman who dates. If that’s not your deal, and clearly since you’re hiding behind silly pics, it isn’t … get stepping right now.”

To the left, please, and stay there!

Brother man got the hint and there was radio silence forever after.

F*** it! NEXT!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: Say hello to my little block button friend

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Image credit: http://www.okmzansi.co.za

Kids, in the autumn of 2017 I was MORE than ready to treat myself to another dating pause because gods be damned, pickings for suitable men were drier than the Sahara.

Nightly chats with your Auntie Yoli reassured me that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this phenomenon but nevertheless, in the interest of educating and certainly entertaining you, here are two occassions when I became well acquainted with the ol’ block button:

April 2017…

Whilst watching your Spirit Brother take his well earned turn on the cosplaying stage at the FanCon masquerade, I was joined by what on the surface seemed like a cute photographer named Cole *** ( name changed to protect the idiot’s identity).

It started out with that most perfect of rom-coms lines: “Is this seat taken?”

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Image credit: http://www.wordpress.com

I was sure that finally, FINALLY my luck had turned and your Spirit Mom was right, I was meeting my Superman at a comic book convention. Here was someone who took an interest in me, my geekiness and was quite keen to get to know me.

Sigh…

While Cole initially charmed me with how uber excited he was to be there and cooing over the cute kids dressed in costume, he quickly disgraced himself in my eyes.

Not only did he quickly fill me in on the politics of comic book convention photography and the perverts that take models’numbers and details to stalk them with, but he then kept yelling sexist and inappropriate cat calls at the Masquerade MC ( and I quote : “OMG, you’re so hot…DO ME already!).

I shit you not.

As I hurriedly whisked your Spirit Brother off the stage and away, Cole yelled out to me:

“Invite me on Facebook!”

Hells to the f*** no! BLOCKED!

May 2017…

Another month, another comic book doos who thinks he has superhero player powers…

With two busy months of magic PR and mountain socials ahead of me, I was adamant about taking a break from dating… then Mo*** (again, for his own safety, let’s give him a different identity) slid into my Instagram DMs, as the cool kids (obviously not me!) would say.

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Image caption: Quickmeme

This too-cool-for-school jackass managed to get in a couple of half-assed messages asking about my TV series, movies and comic book interests before throwing the “Come and give me a back massage” line at me.

What the actual f***?

We, and I stress this again, were not having a sexual conversation of any nature.

In fact, he hadn’t even made any mention of trying to chat me up, up until this point. I thought we were just having a general “Hey, we’re comic book geeks together” conversation so where, in all of Krypton, did this idiot get the idea that I wanted to be his masseuse or call girl?

Gods…

I want to say I blocked him after that but sadly, when I didn’t respond to his request, he sent me another message a few days later, asking me to come and nurse him back to health because he had the flu.

blocked
Image credit: Pinterest

F**k that shit… Block button, come to me, Baby!

 

How I Met Your Father: Tales from fellow singleton, Ms Lilu

Hey, Faz’s kids., it’s your aunt Lee-Anne here.

single and fabulous
Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com

This, Guys and Girls , is my first forage in to the world of blogging about my life ’cause this shit is real and somebody has to hear about it…. The voices in my head can only do so much before they start turning on one another.

First and foremost, call me Lilu. It’s short and somewhat cute, just like me. Back in 2017, I’m a 31-year-old woman who has been single on and off for two years now and man, have I seen some M Nightshamalamadingdong crazy out there.

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Image credit: http://www.betteridaho.org

I’m not your typical single woman of what people discern as a “Certain Age”. Yeah, Bitch, it’s called 31 and although I don’t eat this fast food –  the slogan fits ‘Mmm, I’m lovin it” cue Justin Timberlake intro…I wish.

And as always, I’ve gone off track. What I was trying to say is I’m not looking for a guy to marry, I’m looking for a partner.

I need a good relationship before I can think of marrying anyone because some of these men out there are like Freys at the Red Wedding…if you did not catch that…Child, you need to watch some Game of Thrones.

frey red wedding

What I mean is I’m not desperate or constantly looking at who’s eligible.I don’t go out with the purpose to just meet a man so that I can have this Jerry McGuire-you-complete me-moment.

Don’t get me wrong :I was that for a hot minute. I believed this perfect moment would come and the sparks would fly and we would fly off to our castle on a magic carpet ride…. I dreamed of a Ferrari but got a Uno fire with a very good paint job.

After being in a long-term relationship where I thought I was happy and safe in this bubble of codependency and comfortable silence (in the wrong way I might add), I both revered and feared singledom.

I kind of knew I needed to get out but I was afraid to no longer have the label of girlfriend so I stayed in an unhappy and more importantly unhealthy relationship much longer than I should have. When I finally plucked up the courage and walked away it was the most terrifying thing I had ever done so far in my short life (no pun intended).

I went through every stage of grief you could go through because I lost a part of me that had always been there …well to me,anyway. I lost what I had come to know as home and all I could see was the loss of what was and not the potential of what could be……and oh.what potential turned out to be.

There have been tears, laughs, denials, super idiotic choices to please somebody because I wanted their approval. There have been friendships found and lost, family gained and what was shattered shards of myself put back together again.

Not in the way I was before, in a different kind of way, not better or worse just differently, stronger, better equipped to leave when a situation is bad and more confident to let someone know I like them when I do because ain’t nobody got time for high school  yes , no and maybe games.

My stories are many, and the people in them a colorful array of crazy and fun, sometimes more Norman Bates-like crazy than I would like but hey, sometimes you gotta roll with the punches.

Norman bates

As I went through all of this and still go through the surprises that life brings me, there was one I was not ready for.

There is a difference between having life and living it and enjoying life and watching it pass you by. Once you start living it, there’s no going back..

Also…..why is Kale a thing like it’s nice and all but does it have to be everywhere??

How I Met Your Father: the perfect online guy that got away

Kids, for every horrible AF bad online date, there was that rare gem : a hot, smart, funny, geeky and easy-to-talk-to guy who made butterflies flutter in my tummy and turned me into a giggling idiot…

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Image credit: http://www.truekismet.com

Such was the case with GreyBae, a good looking bachelor from Sea Point ,whom I started chatting to in the Autumn of 2017.

From the get go,we clicked – laughing at his silly profile moniker; chatting about our travels and discussing the importance of sibling relationships.

He took an active interest in what I did for a living and fun and shared stories about his cat. We seemed to like the same TV series and we were sharing what we were up to every day.

For the first time ever, I also really enjoyed letting the conversation take on a more sensual nature… while watching the animated Beauty and the Beast, GreyBae got me hot and bothered, by playing out an online role play of the two of us as Game of Thrones’s Khal Drogo and Khaleesi.

drogo and khaleesi gifs
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

I hadn’t been this giddy and really, REALLY into an online date since Mr Instant Convergence

And just when I let my imagination run away with me, planning on how I was going to introduce him to my friends and family, the dates we’d have and the really, really hot role playing we were going to do in real life ( nudge, nudge, wink, wink!), my perfect online guy… deleted his f***ing account!

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I wanted to kick and scream and throw a toddler-sized epic tantrum at the goddamned unfairness of it all. I’d finally “met” someone I could see a short-term future with and he upped and left!

WHY?!!!!!

There was no explanation for why he’s hightailed it. Like I said, we’ve ended our last conversation on a, uh, hard and satisfying note so I was fully expecting more of the same the day after.

But my dream guy was gone like the mist before the sun and I was once again left to fend off the crazies and stalkers of the online dating world.

SOB.