Tag Archives: online dating 2018

How I Met Your Father: the one where I realise I am too old for this dating s***

Kids, in 2018, I was starting to feel once again like Danny Glover about dating:

See, I’d struck up a conversation with Mathys (31) on Tinder, which moved to Whatsapp and every single one of his texts were filled with abbreviations and sms speak… and you guys know my thoughts on this particular language:

One particularly confusing moment happened like this:

Him: “What r u up 2?”

Me (channelling my inner Carrie Bradshaw/any f***ing writer  or hell, a normal adult who uses full godamn words):  “I’m off to a movie with friends. It’s an open air cinema and I am excited. What are you up to?”

Him: “LOMB”

Kids, I kid you f***ing not – it took me THREE hours to decipher this text.

I felt like Sherlock doing a complicated mind palace:

After much pondering, soul searching and chatting to my ancestors, I realised LOMB meant…

Lying on my bed.

Of course it did:

Gods, Kids, if I couldn’t even successfully have a decipherable conversation with a guy via text, how the f*** was I going to share my life with one?!

 

How I Met Your Father: Stuck between shady photos and too soon I love yous

Kids, in January 2018, I was back on the online dating grind… even though the 2020 deadline of having you had nothing to do with finding your father, I still had to get back out there sometime or other, right?

Sigh…

For this new foray into the murky online waters, I turned to Tinder, thinking that I hadn’t given it enough of a go back in 2016/2017.

My first week yielded two vastly different suitors.

Bachelor Number 1: Mr Send Me Shady Photos:

Razvan was a 33-year-old Romanian financial manager who, apart from apparently being an admirer of my considerable curves, was also a nude photo enthusiast.

He pestered me for days to send him a photo because he wanted to “further enhance the image he had of me in his imagination”

Uhm, no bro, just NO!

bye felicia
Image credit: Giphy

Blocked and goodbye.

Bachelor Number 2: Mr I’ve never met you but I am in love with you:

Clifford was a 37-year-old single dad from British Columbia, Ohio and eager to move things offline as quickly as he could.

I was feeling daring so I gave him my number to woo me via WhatsApp. What started out as general chit chat quickly turned into “You are perfect. I love you, Fazielah”

Image credit: Giphy

Uhm…

Look, I’d like to think I’m perfect but I f***ing love being flawed AF and seriously, Bro, how the f*** can you love me after two days of texting?!

I’m majestic and all but even I am not that good:

Image credit: Pinterest

Your aunt Lutfia reminded me that being cynical wasn’t always the way to go and that people genuinely fall in love online but even I couldn’t be so naive to think that Clifford was being genuine.

Come on, this was my life… when did fairytale shit like this EVER happen to me?

This wasn’t just me putting up my impossible walls around myself and not letting people in. Clifford was just another catfisher like David had been, surely…

Urgh…why was dating in 2018 so f***ing difficult?!