Tag Archives: How I Met Your Father

How I Met Your Father: Cape Town’s Bridget Jones strikes again!

“First date and you’ve sprained your ankle, huh? Tough break, my dear.At least he’s sticking around for now… maybe this will lead to better things”

This, Kids, is what Sharon the mystic healer was saying to me as she tried to infuse healing energy into my bruised ankle, whilst simultaneously trying to reassure me that my first date with Hellrider83 was not as disastrous as I thought it was.

She lied… it was!

In a spectacular imitation of my literary and cinematic heroine, Bridget Jones, I had managed to sustain a horrible ankle injury by slipping on the wet ground outside of Cavendish Square, on a busy Saturday morning with hundreds of witnesses.

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Image credit: Pinterest

Under any circumstances, this would have been embarrassing but , because this is my life and the Universe loves f***ing with me, this also just happened literally moments before I was to meet my latest OkCupid hottie for our first date.

Kill.Me.Now

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Image credit: http://www.teen,com

As Sharon so sweetly tried to smooth down my billowing dress ( remind me NEVER to wear that ill-fated polka dot dress to another date!) so onlookers would not see my multiple tummy tuck-in tights and the security guards called for the first aiders, Hellrider83 came to find me.

Cue the awkward “So sorry about this. Could we possibly reschedule our first date?” conversation, with Sharon and co listening in.

Seriously…ground swallow me whole!

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Image credit: Meme Generator

To his credit, Hellrider83 stuck around for the mucho embarrassing wheelchair ride through the mall and even offered to go with me to the nurse at Dischem to have my ankle wrapped but he looked hellavu relieved when I told him to go , I’d be fine and I would text him.

Which I did, and apologized profusely for my Joneseque behaviour and ….not a peep out of him. Nada, zilch, zero after three days. I’d been dumped, again, before even being dated.

F*** it! NEXT!

I wouldn’t mind, really, but by then, EVERYONE in Cavendish Square knew that this poor girl twisted her ankle whilst on a first date… the pity looks, the “Shame, my dear!” comments while trying to stop their tears of laughter running down their cheeks, were not doing my fragile ego any favours.

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Why did the dating gods hate me so much?!!!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: that moment when a hug is just a hug

Kids, in the autumn of 2017, your Spirit Mom, Uncle T and I were having one of our daily WhatsApp conversations about life, work and crushes when Tendai threw a curveball at us…

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Image credit: www.usseek.com

We’d been discussing his latest cougar crush and teasing him about all of the very naughty things he wanted to do to her and he stopped my and Leo’s decidedly NSFW (not safe for work) lewd talk with this one liner:

“No, I just want to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. That’s all I wanna do”

Leo and I both hit back with “What’s that code for?” and “Why does a guy just want to cuddle and hold? That doesn’t make sense!” because come on, hugs from guys ALWAYS meant they wanted more, right? RIGHT?

Nope…according to Lord Grey, sometimes a hug from a guy who likes you or whom you like is just that …a bloody hug.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT????

Leo and I were floored, crushed, heartbroken, DEVASTATED.

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Image credit: http://www.gurl.com

As your Spirit Mom put it:

“I feel like my entire life’s outlook has just been turned upside down. I’m so confused now “

 

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Image credit: http://www..tenor.com

As for me, my world was spinning on its axis because those bone-crushing hugs that bordered on the inappropriate that I received from Monroe ( remember him?) still topped my all-time favourite crushee moments!

My mind was blown:

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Image credit:www.imgur.com

 

Leo was struggling with all the guys she turned away in her youth when they hugged her and said “Come to my flat and see my etchings”, thinking it was the 90s version of “Netflix and chill”. I was having a hard time seeing all those “moments” I thought I’d had with Monroe and past versions of him going up in smoke.

Lord Grey had messed us up worse than any of our previous “sandwich” experiences… F*** a zombie!

Tendai, realising how this had fundamentally changed my and Leo’s entire man-woman relations ideals, expanded on his theory a bit more:

“A man’s thoughts aren’t always the worst. Ya, we wanna get in and get out…that’s 90 – 95% of our thoughts but then there are those moments we wanna cuddle. Cuddling is a warm, relaxing and comforting feeling… especially after a long day.

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Image credit: TheThings.Com

He continued to drop this bombshell with:

“It’s platonic. Guys have no intentions for anything more. Just cuddling and maybe talk through the night. Just to forget about the madness of the world. It’s like how a woman says “Let’s go for a drink” and a guy thinks it’s code meanwhile, it’s literally just a drink!”

It would take days, weeks even, for Leo and I to recover from this explosive news…and when we chatted to other women about it, they’d had similar reactions. Life, as we knew it, was no longer the same…

 

How I Met Your Father: The art of not giving a f*** – because they’re finite

Dearest Godkids, the year was 2017 and believe it or not, your fave uncle Leon had just turned 29 for the third time.

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Image credit: http://www.markmanson.net

Kids, by the time you read this, you will probably be 30. After navigating the perilous waters of your twenties and going through multiple quarter-life crises you (having not been raised by me) would have come to learn a few hard truths.

As your mom’s year of being dirty thirty had come to an end I thought I would weigh in on what to expect when you wake up after your big 30th with a dry mouth, a sore head and sans underwear to the horrible realization that alcohol poisoning was not one of the gifts you received.

A lot of things happened in my 30th year, but two major life changing events led me to become a better person, or rather, someone who knew where they are going and what they are doing with their lives.  

 Our 20s were spent stalking, kissing boys (and girls) and generally discovering who we were. So what have I learnt? 

 Don’t be afraid of change 

 Sometimes things happen that are out of your control and that’s okay. Put your control freak tendencies aside and accept it. The more you resist the greater your chances of not succeeding. If it seems that bad, identify why you think that and provide solutions not problems.

 They say the only constant is change.

 Love always don’t come easy but nothing does. 

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Kiss a lot of frogs and don’t be ashamed about it. Finding that mythical “the one” is a load of hogwash despite what your mom would have you believe. Find that one for now, whether it be 3 months, 3 years or 30 years. Your time will come.  And if it doesn’t, then fuck it. Next!

Career change

As clichéd as it sounds do your best to do something you love or have a great passion for. Or that pays you a truckload of money.  

Waking up every day miserable and becoming physically ill at the thought of going in to work is never a pleasant experience. Don’t be afraid to risk it and just up and quit. Having a back up plan helps but sometimes you go wherever life may lead you.

It may not always be easy but you won’t be able to say you didn’t learn something along the way.

Go on adventures

Lots of adventures. It can be slut night out discovering the city like you haven’t before, a weekend stalking mission pretty much like how your mom first encountered your dad or just deciding to save up and travel the world. Alone. But do not ever be afraid to live your life on your own terms.

Appreciate your friends, loyalty is important 

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Your mom and I have been friends since forever. Trust and loyalty is key. Pretty boys and girls will come and go but your friends are always the ones to help pick up the pieces. Surround yourself with people who “get” you. Who forgive your flaws and imperfections and celebrate your successes.

Be healthy, take care of yourself.

You can’t have fun if you’re constantly feeling like death warmed up. Start your heavy drinking early so your liver knows how to deal with alcohol. Stay away from substances that require more than just blowing smoke.

Drink water, eat carbs  and try to exercise at least once every six months.

Just be you.

You is special, you is smart, you is kind.

Or something like that.

Don’t be afraid. Remember your fucks are finite so don’t go handing them out all willy nilly. You’re my godkids so of course you are awesome. Remember that.

 

How I Met Your Father :the one with #LoveAtFirstBite at Dunkin Donuts

Kids, on Valentine’s Day in 2017, I found #LoveAtFirstBite with Dunkin Donuts…

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Ok, fine, I fell in love with their quirky heart shaped offerings BUT I also experienced a resurgence of faith in the speed dating industry after attending the Dunkin Donuts ‘#LoveAtFirstBite speed dating event on Monday 13 February, 2017.

I know I said I’d NEVER attend another speed dating event after the disaster in 2015 but you know, hope springs eternal and come on, who can say not to donuts?

Here’s why the #LoveAtFirstBite experience rocked my dating world:

  1. Men, men, me EVERYWHERE:

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I “dated” nine men in the space of 40 minutes …the fact that there were so many guys for the first time at a speed dating event was heartening AND they were relatively good looking!

2.  Talk to me, baby:

Behold the blessings of a good conversationalist! A few of them, like Ryan, the hot primary school teacher ( awww, he loves kids and giving back to the community!) made the five minutes allocated to getting to know each other fly by with their interesting anecdotes.

3.  Keeping things sweet:

Look, I’d be lying if I said the real reason I was there was to  potentially meet your father … because let’s be honest, I love sweet things and, donuts, like a lot!

Besides the romantic #LoveAtFirstBite deal Dunkin Donuts was running for Valentine’s Day, they kept us sweet all night with special editions of their famous product and ice coffee. My favourite was the Hazelnut flavour and the choc choc heart!

Did Cupid’s Arrow hit my voluptuous butt at the Dunkin Donuts event? Who knows … the point is, the evening gave me  renewed faith in love, sugar and singledom and that, Kids, is all I needed to meet your father.

 

How I Met Your Father: Adulting sucks, don’t do it!

Kids, adulting  sucks, don’t do it  – just don’t!

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Image credit: BlogHer

It is a universal fact of life that just when you think you have the hang of the adult thing , Life will bitch slap you and prove that just like Jon Snow, you know nothing!

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Image credit: Panda Whale

See, in 2017, the month after my return from the Big Apple, adulting hit me hard …so hard in fact , that, I was pretty sure I’d be living off two minute Maggi noodles for the rest of the f***ing year and saying goodbye to my dreams of travelling.

In a week that can only be described as the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno, I had the most f***ked seven days of bad online dating ( we’ll chat about that next time); home renovations where the builders left more damage than they fixed and the unpleasant news that I needed surgery that would cost me an arm and a leg.

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Add to that the fact that I was locked out of my own apartment complex because the building managers changed the f***ing locks without telling anyone and every second person I met asking me to define my ethnicity and marital status and you can understand why all I was craving was a walk through Central Park.

Sigh…

I used to hate it when adults told me not to be so impatient to grow up… I now understood what they meant.

The icing on the proverbial cake, of course, was that this was all happening in the lead up to Valentine’s Day and I was feeling my singleton status all the more keenly.

I knew I was a strong independent woman but when faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles and an ever growing mountain of debt, I wished, just for a second, someone else would do the adulting for me and take the load off.

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Don’t grow up… it’s a damn trap!

 

Top 10 Survival Tips for Single Gals Valentine’s Day

By The Jax Blog

@thejaxblog

So it’s that time of year again and you find yourself Bridget Jonesing through life, do you stay at home and hide or do you celebrate?

Film Title: BRIDGET JONES : THE EDGE OF REASON.

As tempting as it is to stalk your crush’s profile for the umpteenth time…don’t do it for the love of your own sanity. You know that he knows that you’ve been watching. So put down the ice cream and step away from the computer or close the app on your phone. There is only one option for us single gals and that is to throw yourself a Big, Phat Party and celebrate! How? You ask. Here are my Top 10 survival tips for single gals on Valentine’s Day:

1. 50 Shades Darker – oh come on now let’s not be coy you’ve read all 3 books so go grab a group of your nearest and dearest gal pals and go watch the damn movie!

2. How about a good old fashion book club (*wink*wink*)? Discuss the 50 shades book with your girls whilst imbibing copious amounts of bubbly and discussing at great lengths why piercing blue eyed Ian Somerhalder was not cast as Mr Grey.

Image credit: www.pinterest.com
Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com

3. You know those 2 for one happy hour specials? Now you can have BOTH 🙂 Get your Carrie on! Yay you! (please don’t drive if you choose this option)

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4. How about a Movie Marathon? Jacob and Edward vs Carrie Bradshaw ? Take your pick…or why not watch both…?

5. You know that ridiculous amount of money you would’ve blown on a romantic weekend away for two? How about that awesome pair of Manolos that you have been eyeing since well before christmas? Go BUY those damn HEELS!

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6. Hop on to The Entertainer App and find a great spa deal for you and your BFF…or take the whole gaggle of girls. What could be more fun than being pampered with your friends?

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Image credit:  http://glamradar.com/beauty-treats-to-spoil-yourself-with-for-valentines-day

7. Travelstart has some great domestic local flights for only R499 one way, so perhaps you should still take that weekend away for yourself! Enjoy the Dolce far niente….’the sweetness of doing nothing’ on your own weekend Eat, Pray, Love.

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8. How about spending some time with your loved ones? Prepare a nice home cooked meal for your family, crack open that bottle you’ve been saving and share some good laughs.

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Image credit: http://gigabiting.com/inside-the-staff-meal/

9. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. That chocolate truffle making course? Abseiling off of Table Mountain (not me) ? Learning how to surf (maybe)… cute instructor included 😉 #Justsaying

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10. Last but not least, most importantly, is make time for you. Don’t get so swept up in the day’s activities that you forget the greatest love of all is self love. Take time to nurture that with perhaps a quiet stroll on the beach to gather your thoughts. Or pen your thoughts in a journal. Create a Vision board of your goals, dreams and desires of where you see yourself in the next few years. Don’t be so hung up on not having a romantic partner that you lose sight of the most important person in your life……YOU!

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There you have it ladies, whether you’re a Carrie or a Bridget wishing you a fantastic Valentine’s Day filled with Love!

How I Met Your Father: Cape Town’s Bridget Jones in New York

“Oh my Gawd! I thought the restroom was empty …Sorry!”

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Image credit:www.reactiongifs.com

Kids, this is what a gorgeous, blonde American yelled at me as I stood, pants around my ankles in the middle of trying to close the damn unisex loo door at Applebee’s in New York

I had, quite stupidly in my haste to relieve myself, neglected to lock the toilet door properly and been caught sans pants (and undies!).

Sigh…

I may well have been finding my feet as a free-spirited solo traveller but obviously my Bridget Jonesesque tendencies had followed me from Cape Town. This was as bad as that time I flashed people at Beta Beach!

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Image credit: http://www.someecards.com

I was absolutely mortified for a split second, thinking that I had now further endorsed Americans ‘views on African citizens being uncouth. Then I realised, well f*** it, at least one other person had seen my fabulous ass in the Big Apple, and that’s ok with me.

Next!

How I Met Your Father: Doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do

Hey  Fazie’s kids, it’s your Uncle Tendai here and I’ve got some advice for ya…

There comes a time when you take the leap of faith and you go into a situation head first without thinking. Emotions are the worst! They take over and you find yourself doing things you thought you would never do. Oddly enough, it’s a good thing! So my advice to you – take the leap! Stop over thinking and just do it.

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Image credit: http://www.handlingrelationshipissues.com

Last time I was here (eons ago) I wrote about how doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do. Yup! That still applies. I did the wrong thing and it was the right thing to do. It’s a weird concept but work with me here. Take the worst/best decision you’ve ever made in a situation of a relationship – building them up, lying, telling them the truth to the point that it hurts, etc. It was the wrong thing to do but at the end of it, it was the right thing to do. Wrong because you’ve wronged the person, but right because it shows how you truly felt. Your true emotions and intentions were shown when you made the selfish decision.

I did the wrong thing (again) but it was the right thing to do. A part of me says there was a better way (which is true) but at that point in time, I didn’t see it that way. So I made the call! I hurt her in ways that are insanely crazy. Hold up! I’m not saying hurting her was wrong and right. Not that at all! I had failed in a lot of things. Failed! And that’s what hurts – I fucked up the vision. And as I write this, I really wish I hadn’t fucked up the vision because it was a fucking bad ass vision.

I digress, I hurt her and I apologized for it. I fucked up the vision and it killed me. Ever since my selfish decision that I wish I could reverse, I have been catching L’s like the 76ers 28 game losing streak. Ya, the L’s keep rolling in. But I’ve been getting a couple of wins. An L turned into a massive win and I’m grateful that it has turned into a W. I feel good, I believe again and I’m feeling better than I was a month ago. I did the wrong thing but it was the right thing to do because I’m sure she’s doing well, if not better. She’s extremely strong and if you need someone to carry your weight, I recommend her. I can go on and on as to how strong she is but I can’t. Not today! It needs a sit down.

Why it was the right thing to do – I broke up with her. There was no need for her to go through another second of the pain I had caused. It was wrong because there was a better way, but it was right. Why do we go back after we break up with you? We thought we could handle a life without you. Not when it’s one of your longest friends. You can live without the relationship but you cannot live without the friendship.

Doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do. I still stand by that. It applies to the good that you do. Don’t dwell too much on the bad. It ain’t like that at all. The wrong thing to do could be focusing on her career and neglecting your own (which was the right thing). The wrong thing to do could be turning your 11 year friendship into a relationship (which was the right thing). The wrong thing to do could be…

Losing her!

How I Met Your Father: The Oversharer 2

Kids, coming back from New York in January 2017 was a hard and difficult task but I was determined to live each day of the New Year with brazen boldness and that principle needed to be applied to my dating life too.

So, and it was with great reluctance, I dived back into the online dating scene

Only to meet WarAngel03 on OkCupid, who seemed to check out okay, from his profile. Like books,though, never judge a man by his online profile.

The conversation started out with the usual small talk – where we’re from, what we’re up to etc- when , of course he wanted to move onto WhatsApp.

Now, as I have mentioned before, I wasn’t keen on moving to a more personal platform immediately if the guy in question wasn’t a stimulating conversationalist or was going to bother me at all hours of the day with senseless texts. I had a sixth sense this dude was going to be one of the latter and I was in no mood for it.

But, I had promised myself and my poor, long-suffering mother, I wasn’t going to be mean or offhand with guys in 2017, so I playfully asked WarAngel03 to tell me more about himself and why he was worthy of getting my digits.

Sigh…

Here is what he responded with:

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Needy much? I didn’t have time for a repeat of Mr Overeager 2 . Sweet as he seemed, this oversharing did not make for an attractive match. I mean, come on, do I fucking look like Dr Phil to you??!

As Friends’Chandler would say:

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Image credit:  www.themidnightalliance.files.wordpress.com

Fuck it… NEXT!

How I Met Your Father : The One where I can’t say goodbye to New York

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“Say you’ll share with me one love,one lifetime /Say the word and I will follow you”

Kids,as my solo trip to New York came to an end in early January 2017, I was no where near ready to say goodbye to the Big Apple.

More importantly,  I wasn’t ready to take my leave of the person I was there – a confident,  free-spirited traveller who wasn’t afraid to take on new and amazing adventures or experiences.

The girl you see in the picture above is radiant with satisifaction; has a lust for life and most importantly, she is happy …

Happy,guys, honest-to-the-gods happy – the black moods that sometimes dominated my Capetonian nights and days;the insecurities that overwhelmed me at home didn’t exist in New York.

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And while I know I was living in a bubble because life isn’t all subway rides and walks in Central Park; I wasn’t in a hurry to get back to the Mother City to be the awkward singleton who doesn’t get invited to her godchildren’s birthday parties because her status makes the other guests uncomfortable.

In New York, I grabbed opportunities to be the centre of attention by the balls (including being the fake VIP guest on an NBC Tour show):

In Cape Town, I was so used to being second or last choice,  I didn’t even bother volunteering for shit at all.

In New York, I rode the subway often and only got lost a few times -in Cape Town, the train was a last-minute,I’m fucked and I need transport resort:

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I fit in New York – for the first time,it felt like I fit my surroundings.In Cape Town, I was always a beat or two behind everyone else -people who had their shit together; people who shared the same sense of humour and the same boring plan for life; people who effoetlessly met their spouses/co-parents/lovers/partners and lived the picket white fence lifestyle. I couldn’t catch-up and I was tired of trying.

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Happy New Year from New York!

I wanted to stay in New York where I belonged,Kids …

But all good things must come to an end and,though I had to leave , I made a promise to myself (and one that would set me on the path to meeting your father and finally having you!) : I’d live every day of 2017 as fearlessly and passionately as if I were in New York!