Tag Archives: How I Met Your Father

How I Met Your Father: CT Girl in Argentina

Kids, in September 2017,my wandering heart (and very busy working body – wait… not like THAT!) found its way to the sensual and vibrant Buenos Aires, Argentina.

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Resting place of Evita, home to the empanada, the Japanese Botanical Garden and… tango!

As I mentioned before, this was a business trip so there wasn’t much time for exploring but I was determined to do some sightseeing and explore the city’s exotic cultural offerings.

Here’s what I learnt in Buenos Aires:

Be passionate about everything:

The Argentines ooze passion in everything they do: how they love, fight, work and dance!

Tango in Argentina 😍

A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on

It’s actually quite intoxicating. So much so, that when it is time to leave their beautiful city, one really does want to say “Don’t cry for me, Argentina!” :

 

Be in the pursuit of magic always:

I’ve seen jaw-dropping magic shows in Las Vegas and New York so I was quite keen to see one in South America. As my journey came to an end, time constraints were real and it didn’t seem like I was going to find my taste of magic in Buenos Aires.

Until…

During a night out at the Tango Porteno, in the middle of a tango extravaganza, female magician  Inga Savitskaya appeared and dazzled us with her Invisible Partner act. Lesson learnt: always be in the pursuit of magic!

 

Embrace your sensuality:

From shamelessly indulging in dulce de leche, the sweet caramel treat Argentina is famous for , to giving into the erotic tension of a tango show, the Argentians are decadent, hungry and sensual beings.

My heart yearns for tango lunches in La Bocca😍 #CTGirlInArgentina

A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on

After watching the intensity of dancers on a lunch time wander through La Bocca, a colourful downtown neighbourhood, I wandered down the cobbled streets of Galerías Pacífico .There, the most handsome, well-built men made a point of stopping what they were doing to openly stare and appreciate the sight of me.

Bearing in mind that I was in work travel mode and didn’t do anything fancy to my appearance, other than tie my hair up in a braid, I was equally flustered and flattered at the same time.

Far from being creepy, these men’s visible appreciation of me made me rediscover my sensuality. I made a promise to myself then that from that moment on I was going to embrace my inner sensual self by wearing sexy underwear and make-up and styling my hair everyday. Not for any guy but for myself – to celebrate the strong, independent, creative, free-spirited, beautiful, sensual, world traveller and woman I was.

To paraphrase your uncle Herman, I was in the prime of my life and I should be out in the world, swinging from the chandeliers ( or at least taking life by the horns!).

And I did, Kids, I really did:

Faz sensual 2

 

 

How I Met Your Father: The Stand You Up Guy 2

Kids, on a cold Spring Saturday evening in Cape Town in 2017, I found myself waiting in gale force winds for yet another no-show online date.

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Image credit: http://www.livehdwallpaper.com

Joe (31) , a lawyer from Tinder, had aggressively pursued me online the week before and, after moving to Whatsapp, asked me out on a date.

Safe for work photo-exchanging occurred quickly:

Him: “Wow! You’re really attractive!”

Me: rolls my eyes but blushes because: “Awwww”

During the course of our conversations, he revealed that not only was his name Yusuf (already a red flag for me because as you guys know, my type was most definitely more the blue-eyed, agnostic, tall and handsome kind); he’d unknowingly had an affair with a married woman (another red flag for me since infidelity is a major trigger point) and he was looking for friendship fun (his definition of going on dates and kissing… right, brother man, that’s swell but I date with a capital D).

I know, I know… why the f*** did I agree to go on a date with someone who was obviously so wrong from the get-go?

Well, because after Brazil and Argentina, I’d rediscovered my sensuality and wanted to test it out on the male species. Also, I hadn’t been on a date since the catfishing episode. A girl has to get back on the dating horse sometime and Joe , though flawed, seemed like a good practice buddy.

Sigh…

After confirming the day before with messages in which he genuinely seemed excited for our date, I spent the afternoon taking in the Cape Town Buskers Festival at the V&A Waterfront before meandering down to the Green Point Lighthouse.

Our date was supposed to be a walk along the Promenade before getting ice-cream.

I arrived 10 minutes early and texted Joe to let him know I was waiting just beneath the lighthouse.

10 minutes after our agreed time, I called and left a voicemail…

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

And still the wind blew with a mighty force. I began making alternative plans, thinking we could move to Caffe Neo across the road and still admire the sunset while getting to know each other.

20 minutes and another text….

30 minutes later and I realised that this f***ing coward wasn’t going to show at all. I’d been stood up AGAIN!

Look, we all get nervous about meeting new people but what grated my tits was that he didn’t have the f***ing decency to call or text and say he wasn’t coming.

You know things were bad when my Uber driver had the grace to let me know he was running late to collect me but my goddamned date did not.

Women were screwed because 21st century men had no f***ing manners! It was unacceptable!

After sharing my shame at being stood-up with your Spirit Mom, Uncle T and aunts Yoli and Lutfia, I went home and cried.

stood up on date
Image credit: Quickmeme

I cried because dating was hard, Kids. Putting myself out there, time after time, only to be catfished, rejected, stood-up, felt-up inappropriately, time after f***ing time by cowards was demoralizing and for what?

So that I didn’t have to listen to family and smug marrieds ask me why I was still single? To have to nod politely at their god-awful comments on my life, attractiveness ,personality and being too damn fussy?

I was tired. Defeated. Done.

 

How I Met Your Father: A PSA to smug marrieds and otherwise attached people

Kids, today’s abject lesson in why people should mind their own gods-be-damned business comes in the form of a public service announcement I wrote in September 2017.

Have a gander at this:

Dear Smug Marrieds and Otherwise Attached People (including my f***tard of an Uber driver the other night),

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Image credit: Yarn

This evening I had to listen to one of your ring-wearing,boring AF breathen tell me that, and I quote, “You’re 31 and still not married? Being married is then so nice! What’s wrong with you?”

The answer, in short, is NOTHING!

Why the f*** do you assume that because I do not have a ring on my finger and I am not attached to a man/woman, that there is something wrong with me?

Newflash, you idiots, singledom is not a f***ing disease!

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Image credit: Pinterest

Just because you cannot live without someone to check in with and share your every goddamn move all day everyday, someone to cook,clean and care for and vice versa, someone to share a bank account with, someone to moan to your friends and mother about when they inevitably do not live up to your expectations, does not mean that I have to do the same.

Please, for the love of the gods, leave me be. I am a successful, independent, beautiful and happy young woman with a searing passion for love, life, travel, magic, family, friends, Alexander Skarsgard and Game of Thrones.

The next time you feel the impulse to bless me with your unsolicited comments about my singleton status in person or online ( I swear to the gods if I get one more “I’m so glad that I no longer have to deal with online dating woes” from a newly coupled blogger, I will burn their sites down, Wight Viserion-style!), don’t!

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Image credit: Vanity Fair

And don’t, I am begging you with tears in my big, beautiful, brown eyes, say shit to me like “When you are in a relationship, you’ll understand” when I wonder out loud why the f*** you gave up all of your individuality for a partner who doesn’t appreciate you.

If that is what passes for love and committment these days, you sir/madam, can keep that shit to yourself.

I am only going to say this once, so listen carefully:

I am not:

  • Too picky
  • Too full of myself ( I am f***ing beautiful, intelligent and amazing. I deserve the best!)
  • Inferior to you ( treat me with the same respect I do you)
  • Too old to wait (some people only find their equals later in life)
  • Too difficult (I know what I want and who I am. If a man can’t deal with that, that is his f***ing problem!)
  • A man hater ( trust me, if you had to see my browser history or my past loves, you’d know I love men)
  • Child-adverse ( children are drawn to me like magnets and my ova are screaming out to be fertilised)
  • Too independent ( utter this shit to me and I will bitch slap you!)

Yes, I am a Destiny’s Child poster girl and I am f***ing proud of it!

I’m not sorry my singledom makes you squirm because you’re secretly jealous of my freedom.

Go f** with someone else’s mindset.

Love,

Fazielah

 

 

 

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the one where I wanted a man like Game of Thrones’s Tormund

Kids, as your Uncle T, Spirit Mom and I mourned the ending of the penultimate season of Game of Thrones, I came to a major Wilding-esque conclusion…

I wanted a man who looked at and talked about me the way big, rugged Tormund talked about the Lady Brienne of Tarth:

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I knew he was a fictional character ( and by far, one of the gods-be-damned best!) but I loved how unashamedly he adored her and wanted to make giant babies with her!

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Image credit: Igmur

Where, for the love of the Lord of Light, was my Wildling, desperate to father you?

You might think this was a weird thing to want, but men blurting out a line like this at the women in our family has worked before.

In fact, your Grandpa said it to your Nan in the 1980s:

Sigh…

Your father was out there, Kids… your impatient Mother of Dragons just had to keep the faith and wait for him.

Rally the realm: House Wyrd will bring Game of Thrones to Cape Town in 2019! News coming soon so join our Facebook fanpage or follow us on Twitter and Instagram for updates!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the cute guy on the bus

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Image credit: http://www.flickr.com

“You seem like a sweet and amazing person and I just had to speak to you…”, he said, his light blue eyes twinkling in the afternoon sunlight.

I blushed prettily and thanked this kind and soft-spoken cute guy on the bus for his compliment:

“You’re too kind, sir.Thank you for being brave enough to talk to me. I won’t forget this unexpected encounter”

He disembarked soon after, leaving me to marvel at the wonder of life and surprising moments…

Sounds like the makings of an incredible meet-cute, right?

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Well, my sweet and cute guy was an 80-year-old Greek man who felt moved by the Seven to talk to me on a winter’s day in 2017.

Usually, my resting bitch face was enough to stop anyone, except my loved ones, from even attempting to talk to me on a MyCiTi bus ride to or from home.

As you may have noticed from years of living with me, I am NOT a morning person… I am not much of an afternoon person either, depending on the type of day I’ve had.

not a morning person
Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com

And on this particular Friday, after dealing with an egotistical radio personality at the summit of Table Mountain, I definitely was not in the mood for any kind of chatting up by anyone.

Santos,proving that they just don’t make gentlemen like they used to, didn’t let my scowling demeanor deter him, though.

“Can I offer you some advice from an old man? No matter where you go in the world – Russia, Greece, Spain, America, there is no place better than Cape Town. You will do well to come back here again – where are you from? You’re not from here, right? You don’t look South African. Come back here and settle in this beautiful city.”

I smiled, temporarily shaken out of my bad mood, and pleasantly surprised by Santos’s confidence:

“I am from here, born and raised in Cape Town.  You are right, though, there is no place like the Mother City”

In the space of 5 minutes from the Gardens Centre stop to his Highlands Avenue one, Santos reaffirmed my belief in men, people, love, family ( he had his first child at 32 – “There is time,my dear, there is time. You will be a mother when it is meant to happen”) and that making your destiny happen is up to you.

“My darling girl, God/Allah/Buddha moved me to speak to you today so before I go, remember this: Where there is a battle between will and imagination, imagination always wins. You can do, be and have anything. Keep smiling that beautiful smile. Until we meet again…”

Sigh…

It was enough to make a grumpy girl swoon:

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You were way out of my age category, Santos, but yes, until we meet again …

 

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the one with the Fifty Shades of Grey wanna-be

“So, I take it you’ve seen I like to be dominated by women, right?”

This, Kids, was the hot, abs-to-bloody-die-for Jeremy’s opening line to me, after we’d swiped right on each other on Tinder in August 2017.

Had I just stumbled upon Cape Town’s Christian Grey? Oh my…

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Actually, I hadn’t see this particular kink of his. I, unashamedly so, had swiped right based on his hot AF profile photo without actually reading his profile.

Yes, yes, I was a wanton hussy, falling for physical appearances.

As I may have mentioned before, I have control issues and I have always thought of myself as a female Christian with singular tastes but this interaction with Jeremy was making my inner Ana tremble in… fear? Anticipation? I don’t know!

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Image credit: http://www.tumblr.com

Biting my bottom lip, I replied to his message:

“Well, I do now…”

Jeremy clearly found my dominatrix skills lacking and vanished from my inbox, never to heard from again.

Damn it, where are my handcuffs when I need them!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the one where 21st century dating lingo got one up on me AGAIN

Kids, you remember how 21st century dating lingo got the best of me in 2016? Well, in 2017, I was seriously f***ing lost in translation!

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Image credit: http://www.unibaggage.com

July 2017 …

I’d swiped right on the hot Julianno’s photo on Tinder and we were a match! Hallelujah!

“According to tinder, I should say hello 😉 “, he texted and from there we were chatting away merrily until…

I asked him to tell him more about himself and he responded with:

“I’m a musician, nutrition advisor and I do a bit of modelling. But all in all, I’m journeying intentionally”

Wait… what?

confucius
Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com

What new f***ery was this?! Even after I asked this Confucius wanna-be to explain further, all he could offer was “Simple… my moves are intentional and with purpose”.

I was still pretty confused, and I had to turn to your auntie Lee-Anne, mistress of deciphering guys’ bullshit, to translate for me.

“Honey, when a boy says shit like that, what he means is he is only looking to f***”

Oh! Right, so basically he is like Mr Instantaneous Convergence of two years before.

No wonder he disappeared from my DMs like mist before the sun after the conversation died out.

F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one where I got catfished

Kids, in the winter of 2017, I was dipping my toe back into the online dating pool after the disastrous ankle-interruptus incident when I “e-met” haagen_dazsmania on OkCupid.

From his profile photo, he looked like a South African version of the red headed Montague cousin in Romeo& Juliet:

benvolio red head
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Red heads weren’t my usual type, unless you count Tom Hiddleston (and Hello Love, who wouldn’t want a piece of that?!), but I was trying to date outside of my comfort zone so I entertained haagen_dazmania and his many, many messages online.

Image credit: http://www.twimg.com

A cheese producer, my new suitor was into books, fantasy series, chocolate, cats, shopping with his sister, big romantic gestures ( asking me at one point how I’d feel about a massive chocolate bouquet delivery at work) and leaving me rhyming couplets via voice notes daily ( his voice sounded sexy so I was really looking forward to seeing the face behind it).

After a week we moved onto text messaging and phone calls. I was initially annoyed because he seemed to need a lot of attention and you guys know how I felt about selective social interaction. Texting me incessantly throughout the working day and up until after 11pm at night was NOT the way to winning my heart.

Fast forward to our first date and after my initial reservations, I was excited about getting ready for the date, Whatsapping photos of my outfit to your Spirit Mom and Uncle Tendai.

I didn’t have too many butterflies floating around in my tummy whilst waiting for haagen_dazsmania to arrive at the Stacked Diner in Tamboerskloof but I was pleasantly nervous.

This could be the start of something new – I felt like a High School Musical cast member:

Sigh…

When will I ever learn that online dating is a pitfall of liars and crooks?!

The man who showed up for our date was at least 10 years older than his profile photo , overweight and way shorter than he’d indicated online!

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Image credit: http://www.ebaumsworld.com

I was not so shallow as to judge men on their looks (ok, who am I kidding? My dreams were filled with a naked Alexander Skarsgard!) but haagen_dazmania was balding, wearing a peak cap, his shirt buttons were about to pop and his teeth needed a whitening badly.

This was not someone I could envision sharing a bed with, never mind cursing you, my future babies, to share a genetic pool with.

His appearance, coupled with his need to text me while I was in the ladies for two minutes and his critique of my looks and personality made me want to dash and run at the speed of light like a female The Flash:

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

But, because I had promised myself I was going to give guys more than one date to impress me, I sat through two hours of him talking about himself; making shocking comments on the state of the security in South Africa;his friends’ wealth and emigration plans; how I seemed to be very busy and how could I possibly balance my extensive love of movies and books with my constant socializing.

The entire time, he was reviewing my looks ( “Nice dress, it really compliments your brown complexion” – are you f***ing kidding me?!); my expressions and eyes ( “You have a smirk on your face , is that how you usually look?” and “Your eyes are really brown. I’m sorry, I am totally mesmerized by them” and my personality ( “You’re hot and scary and so direct about what you want”).

The final straw for me was his views on how travel and children just took too much effort and were expensive undertakings. I’d been very upfront online and in person that seeing the world and having you were my top priorities. These were non-negotiables and I needed a partner who not only wanted these things, but was passionate about making them happen.

After politely ending the date on the pretext of collecting your Spirit brother and sister in Hout Bay ( I didn’t have to get them), I left in a hurry.

Which didn’t stop him from trying to call me and sending needy texts about how he was worried he’d scared me off. Dude, learn when to back the f*** off!

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Image credit: http://www.potentash.com

A few days and another goddamn 11pm text later, I released him back into the online wild. Go well, Sir, and cat-fish someone else with your old photos.

F*** it! NEXT!

 

 

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the one with the seriously hot doctor

The hot, blonde blue eyed doctor swept all of his belongings off his desk in a fit of passion before striding towards me, to lift me up and ravish me on his hard, so hard, table top…

hot doctor

It was Eric and Sookie in the flesh and oh, I was hot and bothered alright!

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Image credit: http://www.tumblr.com

My heart ached with longing, my body was pulsating with lust and my brain couldn’t possibly handle the sheer sexiness of an afternoon roll in the hay when he said:

“Contraceptives? Do you use them, Fazielah? I need to know as it might affect what I can prescribe for you.”

Wait… what?!

Ah, f***! I wasn’t embroiled in a daytime quickie with my hot new doctor. He was just taking my temperature and asking medical questions during my latest chest infection appointment.

Whilst I tried to stop blushing profusely at the very inappropriate fantasy I’d been having, Doctor McSteamy wasn’t helping matters by stroking my wrist, neck and face with his super soft hands.

Great, just freaking great… the most action I’d gotten in years from a seriously – I want-to-drop-my-panties-and-make-a-baby-with-you-hot-guy and he was my bloody married new doctor.

I would now need to change my GP again.

Sigh… a girl just can’t win! F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the preteen romance

Kids, a huge part of why I took so long to meet your father was because I had experienced most of my dalliances a long, long time before then. Today, I’ll tell you about my brush with preteen romance…

1998…

I was 12 and experiencing my second real crush … His name was Shafiek and he was a 15-year-old school dropout turned mechanic with dimples to die for and a heart so beautiful I couldn’t bear it.

It was like that 90s classic My Girl but set in Cape Town:

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Image caption: http://www.teen.com

I know he doesn’t sound like much of a teenage Lothario but bear in mind that at this age, I was trying really hard to fit in with my older half-sisters and their blossoming relationships ( a habit I’d learn to break years later when I was on the brink of turning 30).

Shafiek was sweet, a simple guy with simple thoughts and he treated me like a princess.

I remember long nights of doing nothing but talking, lying in his arms and listening to him tell me about his amazing father and his dreams for the future, whilst he rubbed my back and I fell asleep. Again, I was 12 and staying up with the older kids was not my forte at the time.

In the mornings, he’d wake me up with a gentle kiss on the forehead, telling me he was going to miss me all day before he left for work.

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Image credit: http://www.pics.me.me

And that’s how life in the autumn and winter of 1998 passed us by -evenings spent at the Strandfontein Pavillion, talking in his truck; playing card games at home or double dating with my half-sister and her boyfriend.

Let’s just kiss and say goodbye …

Life as a tween moves pretty quickly and after a few months of not seeing Shafiek, I had met and fallen in love with Zunaid (even though it would take us another year before we actually started dating).

By this time, Shafiek had moved on to his ex-girlfriend and while we never saw each other again, I always hoped he was happy and loved.

In many ways, this short-lived romance of my pre-teen years formed the basis of what I wanted my forever relationship to be about: love, respect, trust and friendship.

And it did… which ultimately led me to you, my beautiful babies xx