Tag Archives: How I Met Your Father

How I Met Your Father: Stuck between shady photos and too soon I love yous

Kids, in January 2018, I was back on the online dating grind… even though the 2020 deadline of having you had nothing to do with finding your father, I still had to get back out there sometime or other, right?

Sigh…

For this new foray into the murky online waters, I turned to Tinder, thinking that I hadn’t given it enough of a go back in 2016/2017.

My first week yielded two vastly different suitors.

Bachelor Number 1: Mr Send Me Shady Photos:

Razvan was a 33-year-old Romanian financial manager who, apart from apparently being an admirer of my considerable curves, was also a nude photo enthusiast.

He pestered me for days to send him a photo because he wanted to “further enhance the image he had of me in his imagination”

Uhm, no bro, just NO!

bye felicia
Image credit: Giphy

Blocked and goodbye.

Bachelor Number 2: Mr I’ve never met you but I am in love with you:

Clifford was a 37-year-old single dad from British Columbia, Ohio and eager to move things offline as quickly as he could.

I was feeling daring so I gave him my number to woo me via WhatsApp. What started out as general chit chat quickly turned into “You are perfect. I love you, Fazielah”

Image credit: Giphy

Uhm…

Look, I’d like to think I’m perfect but I f***ing love being flawed AF and seriously, Bro, how the f*** can you love me after two days of texting?!

I’m majestic and all but even I am not that good:

Image credit: Pinterest

Your aunt Lutfia reminded me that being cynical wasn’t always the way to go and that people genuinely fall in love online but even I couldn’t be so naive to think that Clifford was being genuine.

Come on, this was my life… when did fairytale shit like this EVER happen to me?

This wasn’t just me putting up my impossible walls around myself and not letting people in. Clifford was just another catfisher like David had been, surely…

Urgh…why was dating in 2018 so f***ing difficult?!

 

How I Met Your Father: The one with the ticking biological clock PT 2

Kids, in January 2018, random babies were literally throwing themselves at me…

At McDonald’s while I was chowing down a Happy Meal (quit judging me, HMs are like 20 bucks cheaper AND I was collecting toys for my younger cousin Israh… that’s my story and I am sticking to it!)

At Spar, when I was doing my evening shopping.

Those cute dimples, the curly hair, the womb-tugging giggles that rose from their little bellies as they delighted in my cooing at them.

These run-ins  constantly  had me fantasizing about dressing you guys up in Wonder Woman or Superman costumes for your first photo shoot…

Image credit: Pinterest

My biological clock wasn’t ticking so much as it was imitating the Jumanji’s insane drumming schtick:

The only New Year’s resolution I’d made was that man or no man, come hell or high water, I was having you in 2020 and I knew I was working hard on my mind, body ( by restarting my ankle-interruptus running career) and soul ( more travel, less drama) to get to that goal.

Gif credit: Buzzfeed

Seeing adorable babies just made the need to have you a little too much to bear, my loves…

How I Met Your Father: being care-free and bold during Cape Town’s festive season

Kids, in December 2017, I gave myself permission to be the care-free person I am when I travel in Cape Town.

The girl who…

  • does crazy things like jump up on stage at a karaoke bar and belts out Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive while cold stone sober ( because throat infection and antibiotics!):

To quote your godfather Leon: “Friend, I swear you’re more gay than I am!”

  • embraces her inner sunbathing babe with her best friends at her side:
beach babes
Sunbathing with my babes. Image credit: Ella Williams
  • successfully co-stalks not just one but TWO celebrities to help makes her magical sisters Leonie and Linesri’s fangirl dreams come true.

From holding my breath, waiting to see if a tweet and prayer would get Leo and I a seat at TJ Miller’s guest table (it did!) and rocking photographic wingwoman duties at the Cape Town Comedy Club…

leo TJ Miller

…to putting in a special meet and greet request for Lin with Jonathan Roxmouth at Evita the Musical:

We succeeded and brilliantly so:

2017 had been a crazy and often difficult year emotionally and physically but I was determined to live the last few days of it carefree and happy!

Bring it on, 2018!

How I Met Your Father: Cape Town’s Bridget Jones strikes again!

Kids, my inner Bridget Jones has the uncanny knack of emerging at the most inappropriate moments like…

December 2017…

I was in the middle of explaining to my colleagues how I was sometimes tempted to reply to the infernal “what is the temperature like at the top of the mountain?” question that I needed to check my boobs.

As I ended this punchline with a demonstration of fondling my right breast. in walks the hired catering hottie. Silence reigned as my fellow ladies and I waited for his response.

With a bemused grin, Hottie McFly says:

“Oh, don’t stop on my account! How do you check the temperature on top?”

I blushed fifty shades of red and walking away giggling shyly.

giphy
Image credit: Giphy

Why, Gods, WHY?!!!

why me
Image credit: Tenor

How I Met Your Father : Mr Overeager Part 3

Kids, I’d pressed pause on finding your Dad in 2017 and thought that dealing with too-keen Lothario wanna-bes was a thing of the past…

overeager
Image credit: http://www.warpedspeed.com

Sigh..

Turns out that men in real life are just as thirsty and not ashamed to say it.

Meet Mr Overeager 3.

December 2017…

I met up with your Auntie Cynthia at the Cape Town Festival of Beer where she introduced me to her new friend Thirsten ( yup, his name is a dead giveaway!).

She’d met this 30 something-year-old law student at our local Slug & Lettuce, shown him a photo of me and invited him along to meet me, hoping we’d hit it off.

So far so good.

Bear in mind, though, that I have two types: tall, blonde,blue-eyed and handsome or tall, brunette, brown-eyed and mysterious.

I give you Exhibit A:

and Exhibit B:

Thirsten, though sweet, was Cape Town’s answer to Kevin Hart:

Kevin Hart
Image credit: Entertainment Tonight

Again, one cannot judge a book by its cover so while Cynthia wandered off to explore the Festival again, I invited Thirsten to tell me about himself.

Why?!Why did I even ask?!

Out came the long,sad story about how he’d been set up with a girl by his law firm colleagues just to mess with his mind; how she’d been lying to him the entire five months they were together and how she broke his heart.

Him:” But, you know what?”

Me: “No, what?”

Him: “I’m thankful she opened my eyes and heart to loving Indian Malay looking girls like you…”

Sweet Baby Jesus…are you kidding me?!

Thirsty AF
Image credit: Know Your Meme

As if that low-key racism and his constant touching me when I did not ask nor want him to weren’t bad enough, Mr Overeager 3 ended the evening on a spectacular douchebag note…

After I politely but very firmly told Thirsten that he could not join Cynthia and I at our next event ( a Pulse Boys male strip revue), he pulled Queen C off to the side for a hug and a talk.

A talk,as it turns out, in which he complained to Cynthia that he thought we were all going back to one of our places for a threesome.

WAIT…

Tropic Thunder
Image credit: Memegenerator

Bro, why can’t a nice afternoon spent at a beer festival,getting to know two beautiful women, just be that?!

Mother of f***ing dragons! Do all men walk around in this world assuming that every woman wants to sleep with them?!

And then to make that assumption out loud? F*** NO!

We kicked Mr Thirsty to the curb and wandered off into the night to get our Magic Mike thrills elsewhere…

How I Met Your Father: 32,brave and fabulous

Kids, my 32nd birthday brought with it an unleashing of bravery. An opportunity to no longer hide behind hurt feelings when someone said something so offensive to me, I could not stand a minute more of staying silent about it. A chance to own my spotlight and say F*** you, World, this, this is ME.

this is me
Image credit: Giphy

After rediscovering my sensuality in Argentina and putting a pause on finding your Dad, I was embracing all that I was, in all of my flawed, misunderstood and weirdo glory.

More than just the constant compliments (“Fazielah, you are looking radiant!” and “Wow! How gorgeous are you?”) that came my way, I, in my core, was embracing it. F*** the diet and trying to compete with skinny models. F*** discussing calories like it mattered. F*** running after people who said they loved me but didn’t like me.F*** trying to fit into society’s narrow-minded mould for me.

I was and still am f***ing fabulous and that presented itself to the world, and myself, as happiness.

Until…

November 2017…

I was at a baby related event and a family friend made the stock standard joke:

Him:” You and your sister must really make a plan now to give your mother grandchildren, hey. Oh, wait, what am I saying? Your sister has that sorted, with a boyfriend and all, but you? With you, we are probably going to have to wait another 10 years.”

Before 32, I would have stayed silent and let the hurt this comment caused fester, make me feel unworthy of love, unworthy of having children and always, always being seen as a second class citizen in my family and society.

But Hell to the f*** NO! Not anymore, not this day, Asshole!

hell to the no
Image credit: Giphy

I looked up from where moments before I had been cooing over his gorgeous baby daughter resting in her mother’s arms and said:

“Actually, no, you will not have to wait that long. I am having a baby in two years’ time”

He looked down and away uncomfortably. His wife turned to me, surprised and said:

“Oh, is there a guy?”

I pulled myself up to my full height, looked into their shocked faces and said, proudly and clearly:

“No, but whether there is a guy or not, there will be a baby in two years’ time”.

mic drop
Image credit: Giphy

Mic dropped, I walked away and went off to play with other beautiful babies.

Kids, I have wanted you, dreamt of you, longed for you with all that I am for so long but really, having you was not up to whether or not I met your father. And it was no one’s f***ing business how you came to be.

I thought I was the only one who was absolutely disgusted with the way single women were spoken to, how gross assumptions were made about our lives, our bodies, our needs until I came across this f***ing magnificent talk by actress Tracee Ellis Ross:

Preach, Tracee, preach: This life is MINE!

 

How I Met Your Father: 5 of the best birthday gifts I’ve ever received

Kids, on the eve of my 32nd birthday, I was feeling particularly thankful for all of my many, many blessings and it made me feel a little bit nostalgic.

rocktard-present-o
Image credit: Gifsoup

I started thinking about the very best birthday gifts I’d received over the last few years and here are my top 5:

  1. The gift of a social media blackout: In 2016, I practiced the first of my no socials on my birthday cleanse and by Gods, it was fantastic to have the silence! What’s more, people actually took the time to call me and what’s better than talking to your loved ones on your special day? I was going to do the same in 2017!
  2. The gift of being surrounded by friends and family: Each year, I had birthday parties surrounded by the people I love… whether it was an intimate dinner where the whole #howimetyourfather campaign kicked off or high tea with your Spirit Mom at the Mount Nelson Hotel.

fazi ella

3. The gift of a kickass studio tour and being on my own show in New York: In 2016, my f***ing amazing Wyrd Sister Leo gifted me  with a NBC Studio Pass for my upcoming trip to New York. It was by far the highlight of my solo Big Apple vacation AND I got to record and star in this epic mock late night show interview:

4. The gift of a fantastic 30th island holiday: My angst at turning 30 in 2015 was majorly alleviated by the incredible week-long birthday celebration and vacation your Nan booked for us in Mauritius. Your aunt Sam, Nan and I really reconnected, doing aqua Zumba, snorkelling, catamaran cruises and water side dinners. It is also where I learnt to appreciate the art of going solo and lessons I have implemented in my life ever since.

williams 3
My 30th Birthday Celebrations with your Nan and Aunt Sam

5. The gift of love and life: Kids, in the spring of 1985, your Nan risked her life for mine with a two month hospital stay and a risky emergency C-Section. She’d regularly remind me of the crazy circumstances leading to my birth:

Mom birthing story

When I look back at photos of my birth I can’t believe how incredibly strong my then 24-year-old Mom had to be to care for a baby born two months early:

fazi and mom premature

I’m so thankful, though, for her bravery and for always being there for me. I love you, Mom!

I was so looking forward to my 32nd birthday 😉

How I Met Your Father: No Date November

Kids, as you’ll recall, I hit the pause button on finding your Dad as a birthday present to myself in November 2017…One week and a bit into this experiment, things were going relatively well.

keep-calm-i-m-not-dating-anyone
Image credit: http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk

With my fingers getting a break from swiping left or right and my eyes lifted up and away from my phone screen, I was getting out and about in Cape Town.

Sure, I hit some bumps in the road like Mother Nature wreaking havoc on social outings:

HowIMetYourFather November 2017

But, this online dating detox also got me back into the habit of flirting with baristas at markets:

Funny-Starbucks-Meme-8
Image credit: www.fullredneck.com

Him: “Enjoy your hot chocolate… maybe next time we can enjoy a coffee together?”

Me: “Only if it is as hot as you are”

Three minutes later, it was the next stall holder’s turn trying to engage me into a conversation about Wonder Woman, in relation to my wearing a branded t-shirt.

Getting hit twice in the space of minutes? Totally unheard of and I was loving it:

Image credit: http://www.yourdailydish.com

With every upswing,though, there has to be a downside too…

Sigh…

You’d think that with me being off dating apps, the sleazy DMs would stop but of course, I was still a magnet for online weirdos:

Image credit: Pinterest

Lourens was clearly so turned on by my dismal walking pace on my Garmin Challenge tracker, he felt the need to say “How ya doin?” on the app AND by sending me a message on Facebook!

This wanna-be Casanova had no work place, address or content on his profile page, save for endless photos of a baby.

Oh hell no! Meet my little block button friend, brother… F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the Zombie Walk Cape Town 2017

Kids, as you know Halloween is my absolute favourite holiday of the year… not least of all because it is when the undead rise in the Mother City for the annual Zombie Walk Cape Town event!

My zombie personality had been everything from a cheerleader to a nurse to a bride so what to go as in 2017? Well…

1990…

I was a precocious  five-year-old who a) was convinced that big school would be like an episode out of the Wonder Years and b) was determined to be a police woman.

Never mind the fact that this was pre-1994 South Africa and women, let alone women of colour, were not allowed to be officers of the law.

Your Grandpa, though, liked to encourage my big dreams and, in addition to getting me a toy cop police set with handcuffs and a baton, let me tag along on his early evening neighbourhood watch patrols. Man, were those exciting times!

Fast forward to 27 years later, and with a little help from your godfather Leon, and I was ready to embrace my inner Zombie Cop:

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My more-than-willing rocker zombie prisoner was your aunt Lee-Anne and damn, was she dead hot:

About to get our #ZombieWalkCT on😨🙌

A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on

Our Night of the Living Dead took us along through the Company’s Garden, along St George’s Mall, Thibault Square and to a party that would never end at Madison Avenue Cape Town.

Here are a few drop dead awesome posts of the Zombie Walk Cape Town 2017:

How I Met Your Father: hitting the pause button on finding your dad pt 2

Kids, as my birthday month loomed in 2017, I decided it was time to hit the pause button on finding your Dad again…

hitting the pause button
Image credit:

See, 2017 had been one f***ing hellish year of online dating for me and I was broken,tired and just plain done.

done
Image credit: Quickmeme

I wanted you more than my own soul but the sheer effort it was taking to meet a mostly decent, straight, emotionally and financially stable, quirky, interesting, well traveled and good man was killing me.

Just reviewing my top horrible online dating experiences of 2017 was nearly, but not quite enough, to put me off men forever:

  1. The Oversharer 2 who not only initially tried and succeeded at putting me off with his neediness but then had the f***ing audacity to bodyshame me six months later. Asshole!
  2. The Bad and the Ugly online daters who were either propositioning me for a three way or repeatedly asking for nudes when I had already said hell to the no!
  3. The Perfect Online Guy who got away and left me longing for a Drogo and Khaleesi fairytale ending that would never be.
  4.  The Non-Date boy who, after making us go Dutch, said goodbye to me with a wave… and I bloody wore stockings and dress for this one!
  5. The DM Slider asswipe who wanted a back massage three messages in.
  6. The Ankle Interruptus Lothario who vanished without a trace when I tore my ligaments trying to get to him. Also, thanks for nothing, Jerk, my budding running career had been put on hold because of my date sustained injury.
  7. The cat-fisher who not only lied about his looks but was a borderline stalker too.
  8. The wanna-be Christian Grey who wanted to be dominated. Uhm, hard pass, thanks!
  9. The fool who stood me up. My ego and heart took a long time to get over this one.

While November 16 was my Name Day, I decided spending the entire month of November dateless and offline would be my gift to myself.

Even Cupid knows when he has f***ed up one too many times.

Jennifer-Lawrence-Saying-Yeah-You-Failed
Image credit: http://www.wp.com