What new f***ery was this?! Even after I asked this Confucius wanna-be to explain further, all he could offer was “Simple… my moves are intentional and with purpose”.
I was still pretty confused, and I had to turn to your auntie Lee-Anne, mistress of deciphering guys’ bullshit, to translate for me.
“Honey, when a boy says shit like that, what he means is he is only looking to f***”
Kids, with #WonderWomanDay being celebrated on Saturday 3 June, 2017, in honour of the ultimate female superhero’s 75 year anniversary and the release of her first live motion film, it was only a matter of time before I dusted off my Amazon Princess suit and took to the streets of Cape Town in it…
Ok, maybe not the streets – but definitely to Readers Den, my home away from home since age 5, for their Wonder Woman Day event:
A post shared by FanCon Cape Town Comic Con (@fanconcapetowncomiccon) on
After supporting my magical family at our sold-out shows at the Artscape Theatre that day, I joined your Auntie Bennii for our must-do live action Wonder Woman NuMetro VIP screening at Canal Walk.
I love that when I said I was attending the screening in my suit, your Auntie B didn’t hesitate to do the same:
Of course, it wouldn’t be a House of Wyrd night out Ā if we didn’t take to social media about it, right?
The lesson here, my beautiful babies, is to always surround yourself with amazing friends who love you for your weird, imaginative self…Blessed are the freaks and Wyrdos!
Kids, in the autumn of 2017, your Spirit Mom, Uncle T and I were having one of our daily WhatsApp conversations about life, work and crushes when Tendai threw a curveball at us…
We’d been discussing his latest cougar crush and teasing him about all of the very naughty things he wanted to do to her and he stopped my and Leo’s decidedly NSFW (not safe for work) lewd talk with this one liner:
“No, I just want to hug her and tell her that everythingĀ is going to be okay. That’s all I wanna do”
Leo and I both hit back with “What’s that code for?”Ā and “Why does a guy just want to cuddle and hold? That doesn’t make sense!” because come on, hugs from guys ALWAYS meant they wanted more, right? RIGHT?
Nope…according to Lord Grey, sometimes a hug from a guy who likes you or whom you like is just that …a bloody hug.
As for me, my world was spinning on its axis because those bone-crushing hugs that bordered on the inappropriate that I received from Monroe ( remember him?) still topped my all-time favourite crushee moments!
My mind was blown:
Image credit:www.imgur.com
Leo was struggling with all the guys she turned away in her youth when they hugged her and said “Come to my flat and see my etchings”, thinking it was the 90s version of “Netflix and chill”. I was having a hard time seeing all those “moments” I thought I’d had with Monroe and past versions of him going up in smoke.
Lord Grey had messed us up worse than any of our previous “sandwich” experiences… F*** a zombie!
Tendai, realising how this had fundamentally changed my and Leo’s entire man-woman relations ideals, expanded on his theory a bit more:
“A man’s thoughts aren’t always the worst. Ya, we wanna get in and get out…that’s 90 – 95% of our thoughts but then there are those moments we wanna cuddle. Cuddling is a warm, relaxing and comforting feeling… especially after a long day.
Image credit: TheThings.Com
He continued to drop this bombshell with:
“It’s platonic. Guys have no intentions for anything more. Just cuddling and maybe talk through the night. Just to forget about the madness of the world. It’s like how a woman says “Let’s go for a drink” and a guy thinks it’s code meanwhile, it’s literally just a drink!”
It would take days, weeks even, for Leo and I to recover from this explosive news…and when we chatted to other women about it, they’d had similar reactions. Life, as we knew it, was no longer the same…
Kids, by the time you read this, you will probably be 30. After navigating the perilous waters of your twenties and going through multiple quarter-life crises you (having not been raised by me) would haveĀ come to learn a few hard truths.
As your momās year of being dirty thirtyĀ had come to an end I thought I would weigh in on what to expect when you wake up after your big 30thĀ with a dry mouth, a sore head and sans underwear to the horrible realization that alcohol poisoning was not one of the gifts you received.
A lot of things happened in my 30th year, but two major life changing events led me to become a better person, or rather, someone who knew where they are going and what they are doing with their lives. Ā
Ā Our 20s were spent stalking, kissing boys (and girls) and generally discovering who we were.Ā So what have I learnt?Ā
Ā Don’t be afraid of changeĀ
Ā Sometimes things happen that are out of your control and thatās okay. Put your control freak tendencies aside and accept it. The more you resist the greater your chances of not succeeding. If it seems that bad, identify why you think that and provide solutions not problems.
Ā They say the only constant is change.
Ā Love always don’t come easy but nothing does.Ā
Kiss a lot of frogs and donāt be ashamed about it. Finding that mythical āthe oneā is a load of hogwash despite what your mom would have you believe. Find that one for now, whether it be 3 months, 3 years or 30 years. Your time will come. Ā And if it doesnāt, then fuck it. Next!
Waking up every day miserable and becoming physically ill at the thought of going in to work is never a pleasant experience. Donāt be afraid to risk it and just up and quit. Having a back up plan helps but sometimes you go wherever life may lead you.
It may not always be easy but you wonāt be able to say you didnāt learn something along the way.
Go on adventures
Lots of adventures. It can be slut night out discovering the city like you havenāt before, a weekend stalking mission pretty much like how your mom first encountered your dad or just deciding to save up and travel the world. Alone. But do not ever be afraid to live your life on your own terms.
Appreciate your friends, loyalty is importantĀ
Your mom and I have been friends since forever. Trust and loyalty is key. Pretty boys and girls will come and go but your friends are always the ones to help pick up the pieces. Surround yourself with people who āgetā you. Who forgive your flaws and imperfections and celebrate your successes.
Be healthy, take care of yourself.
You canāt have fun if youāre constantly feeling like death warmed up. Start your heavy drinking early so your liver knows how to deal with alcohol. Stay away from substances that require more than just blowing smoke.
Drink water, eat carbs Ā and try to exercise at least once every six months.
Just be you.
You is special, you is smart, you is kind.
Or something like that.
Donāt be afraid. Remember your fucks are finite so donāt go handing them out all willy nilly. Youāre my godkids so of course you are awesome. Remember that.
Kids, every now and again, when the horrors of online dating got too much for me, I’d pack up my bags and hot foot it to another city to clear my head. Johannesburg, or Jozi as it is affectionately known, and a visit with your godfather Leon beckoned in March 2017…
Yes, I make him pose for endless photos but Leon doesn’t mind when I make him look good. Taken at the Maboneng Precinct
In celebration of Lee’s 29th (again, haha) birthday and so that I could be his personal photographer all weekend long, we sampled all of the city’s ample delights including:
Beefy Boys:
Your Spirit Mom Leo and I have been to the Cape Town branch of Beefcakes so often, we have our designated table so it was only right for me to pay the JHB restaurant a visit too…
And boy, was I delighted with their considerable, uh, assets:
A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on
Adonis sightseeing aside, the Illovo site has a top-notch line-up of performers, including the Menopause drag trio and it was so worth a fun night out!
Hipster markets:
Leon says that hipsters pretty much visit the Neighbourgoods Market in Jozi to take selfies and post them to Instagram…I’m inclined to agree:
Thrilling theatre shows:
My imaginary love affair with the hot AF theatre legend Jonathan Roxmouth was well documented on social media and so I just couldn’t miss the opportunity to watch him again in the local production of the iconic musical, West Side Story.
From 2015:
To 2017, my favourite Tony has my heart:
@FazielahW much much appreciated Fazielah. Thank you
No, Iām not referring to the delicious American Southern deep fried fish. For those not up to speed with the neologism hereās the Urban Dictionaryās definition:
āA catfish is someone who pretends to be someone theyāre not using Facebook or other Social Media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances.ā
The term was coined by the critically acclaimed documentaryĀ of the same title in 2010.
NowĀ a MTV television series, filmed by Yaniv āNevā Schulman whose own online love drama was the subject of the original film. He and fellow filmmaker Max Joseph now travel all over the USA to tell stories of these hopeful online romantics who meet in real life for the first time…more often than not some are met with shocking revelations.
In todayās fast-paced digital world where most of us are plugged in, logged on 24/7, time becomes a rare commodity more precious than gold.
Many new millennials are keen entrepreneurs, which leaves very little free time to none at all. This doesnāt bode so well for the love life. So how do singletons in the new millennia find their āsoulmateā without wasting time?
Online dating.
The answer may seem surprisingly simple, but gets a little more complicated as we go along.
Thanks to websites such as eharmony.com, match.com, Tinder app and countless others, why waste your time with endless dates to find out if youāre compatible when you can just login and after a few swipes left or right your ādreamā match is at your fingertips?….or is he/she?
There have been a few matches made in (online) heaven ā hurrah for them! But letās get real for a minute the majority of people hooking up online do not end in happily ever afters.
Itās human nature to preserve the ego and what better way to make oneself appear to be the ideal mate/lover than from the comfort of behind your own computer screen?
No one knows who you really are in cyberspace right? So if you could be anyone you wanted to be, why not choose to be the perfect mate? Whether itās a super fit, toned, bronze, tall, perfectly white ChicletĀtoothed hero or a blonde bombshell with the perfect 36Ā34Ā36…No oneās going to know that your gym membership expired a decade ago and the closest youāve gotten to sports is watching Wimbledon from the comfort of your armchair.
Naturally, it all starts with playful banter and a few witty posts. Likes on every picture you post, flirtatious innuendos soon follow and then the conversation swiftly moves offline to whatsapp or sms.
Depending on the individualās need for the next fix of attention from their cyber infatuation, these lines of communication can rapidly progress to phone calls.
You rack up the phone bill whilst having endless discussions of the sun, moon, stars and everything in between. This has got to be āThe Oneā. You inevitably share your secrets, desires and maybe a nudie pic or two.
If youāre lucky you may get a skype video call here or there, but the true catfish never ever reveal their true identity and will leave you dangling on a wickedly tempting string…always wanting more.
Hereās the catch, after a period of time you decide you want to meet Mr X or Miss Z and attempt to set up an actual real-life, inĀ-theĀ-flesh date.
You thank your lucky stars that at last they agree to meet with you. You set up a date or meeting time, but predictably the person of your dreams at the last minute cannot meet due to family emergency/car broke down/ world falling apart …you take your pick from any of the countless excuses.
All the while knowing that should you actually meet in person, that 1.7m blonde haired blue eyed Nordic prince charming whom youāve shown your tatas to is none other than your geeky 15 year old teenage neighbour with braces. Who wouldnāt actually even know what to do with your tatas should he be so lucky to even see them in real life!
From my own personal experience I know people arenāt who they always say they are online.
A past flame was really witty and enigmatic on Twitter, in real life he was no player at all but rather an awkward introvert.
Now I know this might sound clicheĢd to some, but Iām the kind of person who falls in love with the mind and not a personās physical appearance. If you donāt believe me just take a look at my track record, they were not all lookers but they were perfect in my eyes.
I travelled halfway roundĀ the world once to visit a myspace crush only to find he wasnāt exactly as I had imagined. His profile picture was several years old for starters, but he was a perfect gentleman and to this day we remain good friends.
Online romances always seem so much more mysterious and exciting, where you can imagine any number of things about your would be future partner.
Alas, they do not always meet your far away expectations and leave you disillusioned and jaded instead.
I have forged firm friendships spanning a decade from the days of Myspace, crossing over to Facebook and now eventually Twitter.
In Cape Town Iāve met several bloggers, Twitter pals and Instagram friends in person and thank goodness theyāve all turned out to be exactly who they said they are…no psycho killers or creepy peeping toms.
As a busy singleton in my 30s itās very tempting to log on to Tinder and find my ādreamā date at the touch of a button. But the inner paranoid cynic inside my head screams loudly to heed the warning signs.
Does that mean Iām going to stop chatting to the charming, older guy with the handsome mug on Facebook (oh Lord I hope that profile picture is real)? Probably not.
It just means I am going to be wary of letting my feelings run away with me until weāve met for real in a well Ālit public place. Safety first ladies ;Ā)
Now donāt get me wrong, not all people who go online to seek love are false some of them are just as real as you or I.
I just donāt think Iāll be signing up to Tinder or any match sites anytime soon. Iām not in any hurry to find āanyoneā, but if they find me…well thatās an entirely different story.
In the end, ladies, whether youāre looking for Mr Right or Mr Right Now, via the online romance route, donāt get catfished and donāt say I didnāt warn you ;Ā)
Hey Ā Fazie’s kids, it’s your Uncle Tendai here and I’ve got some advice for ya…
There comes a time when you take the leap of faith and you go into a situation head first without thinking. Emotions are the worst! They take over and you find yourself doing things you thought you would never do. Oddly enough, itās a good thing! So my advice to you – take the leap! Stop over thinking and just do it.
Last time I was here (eons ago) I wrote about how doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do. Yup! That still applies. I did the wrong thing and it was the right thing to do. Itās a weird concept but work with me here. Take the worst/best decision youāve ever made in a situation of a relationship – building them up, lying, telling them the truth to the point that it hurts, etc. It was the wrong thing to do but at the end of it, it was the right thing to do. Wrong because youāve wronged the person, but right because it shows how you truly felt. Your true emotions and intentions were shown when you made the selfish decision.
I did the wrong thing (again) but it was the right thing to do. A part of me says there was a better way (which is true) but at that point in time, I didnāt see it that way. So I made the call! I hurt her in ways that are insanely crazy. Hold up! Iām not saying hurting her was wrong and right. Not that at all! I had failed in a lot of things. Failed! And thatās what hurts – I fucked up the vision. And as I write this, I really wish I hadn’t fucked up the vision because it was a fucking bad ass vision.
I digress, I hurt her and I apologized for it. I fucked up the vision and it killed me. Ever since my selfish decision that I wish I could reverse, I have been catching Lās like the 76ers 28 game losing streak. Ya, the Lās keep rolling in. But Iāve been getting a couple of wins. An L turned into a massive win and Iām grateful that it has turned into a W. I feel good, I believe again and Iām feeling better than I was a month ago. I did the wrong thing but it was the right thing to do because Iām sure sheās doing well, if not better. Sheās extremely strong and if you need someone to carry your weight, I recommend her. I can go on and on as to how strong she is but I canāt. Not today! It needs a sit down.
Why it was the right thing to do – I broke up with her. There was no need for her to go through another second of the pain I had caused. It was wrong because there was a better way, but it was right. Why do we go back after we break up with you? We thought we could handle a life without you. Not when itās one of your longest friends. You can live without the relationship but you cannot live without the friendship.
Doing the wrong thing is the right thing to do. I still stand by that. It applies to the good that you do. Donāt dwell too much on the bad. It aināt like that at all. The wrong thing to do could be focusing on her career and neglecting your own (which was the right thing). The wrong thing to do could be turning your 11 year friendship into a relationship (which was the right thing). The wrong thing to do could beā¦
Kids,in December 2016, I travelled alone to New York City and people,who should have known better,kept asking why?
Them : “Why would you do that? And alone too? That’s crazy!”
Me (thinking it internally but I should have said it out loud): “I’m f***ing off to the other side of the world because Ā I am sick to death of your narrow-mindedness; Ā your gossiping about my sexuality; your assumptions that I must hate men and children because I have neither when it couldn’t be further from the f***ing truth and you don’t know how hard I have to work to keep my desire for having a baby under control; Ā because you assholes talk about me maliciously on Facebook where the world AND I can see it and you don’t even think about my feelings,do you?!!”
Like I said, there were many reasons why I travelled solo to the Big Apple but ultimately only one really mattered …my happiness.
In the space of just one week, New York quickly made me feel at home by:
1) Making me feel like a local:
Getting lost and finding myself in the Big Apple
Sure,I got lost so many times but somehow I always ended up where I was intending on going later,like Central Park, so it worked out!
2) Inspiring me on the daily:
Looking out at the New York City view
There were so many things to see and do in New York that inspiration Ā was seeping into my pores all of the time.I felt re-energised and motivated for the first time in a long time and I wanted to write again.Not just about one attraction Ā as I had been for the past two years but about a variety of topics!
Staring out at the city line from the Top of the Rock, Ā I knew it was time for a career change.
3) Putting me at ease about difficult choices I’d made previously:
Magic on Broadway…Theatre and I will always find each other
When I left a side project as a theater reviewer in 2015 because my family needed me emotionally, physically and financially to help with my dying grandfather; Ā people didn’t understand and so many of them faded away from my life because I was no longer available to be frivolous and fun at a red carpet opening night three times a week.
It felt like a horrible thing at the time but I do not regret spending 2016 taking care of Pa ,our family or dedicating myself to my magic career that year either…both elements thrived because I was focused and I am eternally thankful for it.
As I took in a number of Broadway shows in December, I realised that things had come full circle and this,this opportunity right here, Ā to see award-winning international shows was meant to be all along.I have always been a theatre lover -I didn’t need to be “famous” to prove it.
4) Seeding a sense of wonder for myself :
I can and WILL do anything I imagine …
Thanks to the mind and emotional f***ery of He Who Must Not Be Named; being dumped by my travel buddy; warring family wanting Pa’s estate and all of the malicious gossipers; Ā my sense of self-worth was f***ed royally.
Having my wits and determination to depend on to guide me and keep myself safe in the Big Apple rebirthed my self-belief.
I felt imbued with new-found confidence in the Wonder Woman I know I can be. I worked hard to get to New York again and I could do that and so much more if I just tried.
F*** the haters in my world, I am f***ing AWESOME!!
I loved New York,where I was free to be me SO much, Ā I didn’t want to go home …
Kids, at times when the search for your father seemed to come to a complete stand still, it was good to get out of Cape Town and have some fun (and go where there was sure to be hot, single men …we hoped!). Luckily for your god mom Marisa and I, we were invited to the ultra-cool, must-do Darling Summer Beer Festival on Saturday 3 December, 2016.
Co-hosted by the local brewery Darling Brew and Darling TourismĀ , this fun day out in the gorgeous dorpie (little town) featured stalls by local cider, beer and foodie producers (Riot Brewery, Savage Brewery, Flagship Brewery, Mountain Brewing Company and Eversonās Cider& Decider) and live music from up and coming bands likeĀ Red Tape Riot, Jimm Harisson Project & Stone Jets.
I lost my foodie heart toĀ the Flying Pig, who conjured up such a magical Cuban sandwich, I kept dreaming about it for days after the event.
Our eclectic mix of Igers was transported to the Festival in a super rad Nomad Tours truck and let me tell you, it’s a driving experience unlike any other I have ever had.
Iāll readily admit that I wasnāt much of a craft beer drinker before the Festival ( the last time I had chugged down some ale was when I was trying to impress Monroe on a night out ā¦and we all know how well that turned out āNOT!) but I thoroughly enjoyed the Gypsy Mask and the Midnight Hawk brews.
One of the stalls at the market made a mean beer-infused ice cream that was easily my favourite item of the day!
These are some of our tasty memories of the Festival:
Besides the fact that it was literally my bread and butter, just trying to stay up to date with everything that was happening out in the digital world and my loved ones āsocial lives was incredibly tiring.
Not to mention the soul-crushing depression that comes with knowing exactly which people couldnāt be bothered to acknowledge my special dayā¦ I didnāt need that kind of rejection!
Iāve told you about how I became selectively social both online and offline after turning 30, right?
For my 31st birthday, I decided to try a social media experiment: I would go Internet, Wi-Fi, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Google +, Pinterest, email and WhatsApp free for 31 hours.
Friends and family were freaking out about how they were going to contact me:
āWeāll do it like people did it in 1985 when I was born ā¦ send snail mail or pick up a damn phone and call me!ā
Physical interaction in the digital age was going the way of the Dodo and I, as a relic of the glorious 80s, refused to participate in its untimely demise.
Besides, if I wasnāt spending my birthday with my eyes glued to a screen, it freed me up to take in the (hopefully) handsome and available male sights all around me.Who knows if your Dad might have been lurking around somewhere?
