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How I Met Your Father: the pervert shutdown

Kids, after my ankle-interruptus date with Hellrider83, my ego was hurting more than ever and, whilst I  wasn’t actively looking for my next date online, I wasn’t not looking either…

Enter michealallthetime, a 31-year-old account manager for petrol giant Engen from Goodwood, on OkCupid.

Great start but Mister doesn’t even have a profile pic of himself, just a wide shot of the beach – red flag number 1.

Within two messages of not introducing himself as it were, he’s asking if he can be really honest and forward with me…

Since your momma wasn’t born yesterday, I could see that this was a prelude for being sexually inappropriate but to mess with this idiot, I was like “Sure, but how about you start by telling me your name?”

Sigh…

I swear it’s like giving a bull the go ahead with a red scarf, the way the Spaniards do in bullfights.

Off he goes with the name details and then hits me with:

“I’m in the mood to be super naughty. I’m looking for a girl for long term too but for now, I wanna get dirty.”

Sweet Mother of God… why, WHY did I seem to attract these horny fools?!

Fed up with the sheer audacity of some jackass who was too ashamed of being online to post a real profile pic but seemed to think it was perfectly OK to make me feel like a digital whore, I needed to school this fool and school him hard.

I channelled my inner Beyoncé and levelled his stupid ass with this:

“Look, Son, good on you that you want to be dirty and all but, as per my profile, I am a grown ass woman who dates. If that’s not your deal, and clearly since you’re hiding behind silly pics, it isn’t … get stepping right now.”

To the left, please, and stay there!

Brother man got the hint and there was radio silence forever after.

F*** it! NEXT!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: Cape Town’s Bridget Jones strikes again!

“First date and you’ve sprained your ankle, huh? Tough break, my dear.At least he’s sticking around for now… maybe this will lead to better things”

This, Kids, is what Sharon the mystic healer was saying to me as she tried to infuse healing energy into my bruised ankle, whilst simultaneously trying to reassure me that my first date with Hellrider83 was not as disastrous as I thought it was.

She lied… it was!

In a spectacular imitation of my literary and cinematic heroine, Bridget Jones, I had managed to sustain a horrible ankle injury by slipping on the wet ground outside of Cavendish Square, on a busy Saturday morning with hundreds of witnesses.

bridget jones falling ski
Image credit: Pinterest

Under any circumstances, this would have been embarrassing but , because this is my life and the Universe loves f***ing with me, this also just happened literally moments before I was to meet my latest OkCupid hottie for our first date.

Kill.Me.Now

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Image credit: http://www.teen,com

As Sharon so sweetly tried to smooth down my billowing dress ( remind me NEVER to wear that ill-fated polka dot dress to another date!) so onlookers would not see my multiple tummy tuck-in tights and the security guards called for the first aiders, Hellrider83 came to find me.

Cue the awkward “So sorry about this. Could we possibly reschedule our first date?” conversation, with Sharon and co listening in.

Seriously…ground swallow me whole!

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Image credit: Meme Generator

To his credit, Hellrider83 stuck around for the mucho embarrassing wheelchair ride through the mall and even offered to go with me to the nurse at Dischem to have my ankle wrapped but he looked hellavu relieved when I told him to go , I’d be fine and I would text him.

Which I did, and apologized profusely for my Joneseque behaviour and ….not a peep out of him. Nada, zilch, zero after three days. I’d been dumped, again, before even being dated.

F*** it! NEXT!

I wouldn’t mind, really, but by then, EVERYONE in Cavendish Square knew that this poor girl twisted her ankle whilst on a first date… the pity looks, the “Shame, my dear!” comments while trying to stop their tears of laughter running down their cheeks, were not doing my fragile ego any favours.

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Why did the dating gods hate me so much?!!!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the one where I suited up for #WonderWomanDay

Kids, with #WonderWomanDay being celebrated on Saturday 3 June, 2017, in honour of the ultimate female superhero’s 75 year anniversary and the release of her first live motion film, it was only a matter of time before I dusted off my Amazon Princess suit and took to the streets of Cape Town in it…

Ok, maybe not the streets – but definitely to Readers Den, my home away from home since age 5, for their Wonder Woman Day event:

There, I hung out with well-known cosplayer, Sascha Perdigao, who rocked the Bombshell Wonder Woman look:

Happy Wonder Woman day from Cape Town ! #wonderwoman #wonderwomanday #cosplay #freecomics

A post shared by FanCon Cape Town Comic Con (@fanconcapetowncomiccon) on

After supporting my magical family at our sold-out shows at the Artscape Theatre that day, I joined your Auntie Bennii for our must-do live action Wonder Woman NuMetro VIP screening at Canal Walk.

I love that when I said I was attending the screening in my suit, your Auntie B didn’t hesitate to do the same:

Bennii and FazWw

Of course, it wouldn’t be a House of Wyrd night out  if we didn’t take to social media about it, right?

 

The lesson here, my beautiful babies, is to always surround yourself with amazing friends who love you for your weird, imaginative self…Blessed are the freaks and Wyrdos!

How I Met Your Father: that moment when a hug is just a hug

Kids, in the autumn of 2017, your Spirit Mom, Uncle T and I were having one of our daily WhatsApp conversations about life, work and crushes when Tendai threw a curveball at us…

hug
Image credit: www.usseek.com

We’d been discussing his latest cougar crush and teasing him about all of the very naughty things he wanted to do to her and he stopped my and Leo’s decidedly NSFW (not safe for work) lewd talk with this one liner:

“No, I just want to hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. That’s all I wanna do”

Leo and I both hit back with “What’s that code for?” and “Why does a guy just want to cuddle and hold? That doesn’t make sense!” because come on, hugs from guys ALWAYS meant they wanted more, right? RIGHT?

Nope…according to Lord Grey, sometimes a hug from a guy who likes you or whom you like is just that …a bloody hug.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT????

Leo and I were floored, crushed, heartbroken, DEVASTATED.

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Image credit: http://www.gurl.com

As your Spirit Mom put it:

“I feel like my entire life’s outlook has just been turned upside down. I’m so confused now “

 

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Image credit: http://www..tenor.com

As for me, my world was spinning on its axis because those bone-crushing hugs that bordered on the inappropriate that I received from Monroe ( remember him?) still topped my all-time favourite crushee moments!

My mind was blown:

mind blown
Image credit:www.imgur.com

 

Leo was struggling with all the guys she turned away in her youth when they hugged her and said “Come to my flat and see my etchings”, thinking it was the 90s version of “Netflix and chill”. I was having a hard time seeing all those “moments” I thought I’d had with Monroe and past versions of him going up in smoke.

Lord Grey had messed us up worse than any of our previous “sandwich” experiences… F*** a zombie!

Tendai, realising how this had fundamentally changed my and Leo’s entire man-woman relations ideals, expanded on his theory a bit more:

“A man’s thoughts aren’t always the worst. Ya, we wanna get in and get out…that’s 90 – 95% of our thoughts but then there are those moments we wanna cuddle. Cuddling is a warm, relaxing and comforting feeling… especially after a long day.

mainsplain
Image credit: TheThings.Com

He continued to drop this bombshell with:

“It’s platonic. Guys have no intentions for anything more. Just cuddling and maybe talk through the night. Just to forget about the madness of the world. It’s like how a woman says “Let’s go for a drink” and a guy thinks it’s code meanwhile, it’s literally just a drink!”

It would take days, weeks even, for Leo and I to recover from this explosive news…and when we chatted to other women about it, they’d had similar reactions. Life, as we knew it, was no longer the same…

 

How I Met Your Father: The art of not giving a f*** – because they’re finite

Dearest Godkids, the year was 2017 and believe it or not, your fave uncle Leon had just turned 29 for the third time.

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Image credit: http://www.markmanson.net

Kids, by the time you read this, you will probably be 30. After navigating the perilous waters of your twenties and going through multiple quarter-life crises you (having not been raised by me) would have come to learn a few hard truths.

As your mom’s year of being dirty thirty had come to an end I thought I would weigh in on what to expect when you wake up after your big 30th with a dry mouth, a sore head and sans underwear to the horrible realization that alcohol poisoning was not one of the gifts you received.

A lot of things happened in my 30th year, but two major life changing events led me to become a better person, or rather, someone who knew where they are going and what they are doing with their lives.  

 Our 20s were spent stalking, kissing boys (and girls) and generally discovering who we were. So what have I learnt? 

 Don’t be afraid of change 

 Sometimes things happen that are out of your control and that’s okay. Put your control freak tendencies aside and accept it. The more you resist the greater your chances of not succeeding. If it seems that bad, identify why you think that and provide solutions not problems.

 They say the only constant is change.

 Love always don’t come easy but nothing does. 

giphy

Kiss a lot of frogs and don’t be ashamed about it. Finding that mythical “the one” is a load of hogwash despite what your mom would have you believe. Find that one for now, whether it be 3 months, 3 years or 30 years. Your time will come.  And if it doesn’t, then fuck it. Next!

Career change

As clichéd as it sounds do your best to do something you love or have a great passion for. Or that pays you a truckload of money.  

Waking up every day miserable and becoming physically ill at the thought of going in to work is never a pleasant experience. Don’t be afraid to risk it and just up and quit. Having a back up plan helps but sometimes you go wherever life may lead you.

It may not always be easy but you won’t be able to say you didn’t learn something along the way.

Go on adventures

Lots of adventures. It can be slut night out discovering the city like you haven’t before, a weekend stalking mission pretty much like how your mom first encountered your dad or just deciding to save up and travel the world. Alone. But do not ever be afraid to live your life on your own terms.

Appreciate your friends, loyalty is important 

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Your mom and I have been friends since forever. Trust and loyalty is key. Pretty boys and girls will come and go but your friends are always the ones to help pick up the pieces. Surround yourself with people who “get” you. Who forgive your flaws and imperfections and celebrate your successes.

Be healthy, take care of yourself.

You can’t have fun if you’re constantly feeling like death warmed up. Start your heavy drinking early so your liver knows how to deal with alcohol. Stay away from substances that require more than just blowing smoke.

Drink water, eat carbs  and try to exercise at least once every six months.

Just be you.

You is special, you is smart, you is kind.

Or something like that.

Don’t be afraid. Remember your fucks are finite so don’t go handing them out all willy nilly. You’re my godkids so of course you are awesome. Remember that.

 

How I Met Your Father in Print Media with Molo Magazine

Kids,every so often online news agencies and magazines picked up on my never-ending hilarious tales to you. In February 2017, your aunt Nadia convinced me to share some of my horror dating stories with her.

molo online dating image

Here’s my Molo magazine feature:

Molo-February-2017_final

 

How I Met Your Father: Why online dating brings all the crazies to the yard

Kids, unlike that siren of the noughties, Kelis, my milkshake did not, in fact, bring all the boys to the yard …

MjAxMi1mNTYyZWM2MGQxOTI3ZjRm

Nay, in typical Bridget Jonesesque behaviour, I brought all the crazies to your Nan and Cape Town’s nether regions … wait, stop snickering, let me re-phrase that. I tended to bring forth the definitely unhinged to the shores of my home.

In January 2017, I hit the jackpot of crazy online daters: Mr Love Boat!

We swiped right on each other and in the space of a day and half had worked up quite the repartee.

A newly retired cruise barman, Mr Love Boat was a 39-year-old conversationalist who had docked permanently in Franschhoek. So far, so good.

Here was a man who was well-traveled (he spoke of unbelievable vistas in Portugal, regaled me with funny stories of patrons in Spain and seemed to have the travel bug as bad as I did). That he now lived with his parents was questionable but excusable because after working on the high seas for the better part of 15 years, he hadn’t needed a permanent residence before.

When he jokingly ( or so I assumed) told me about the few very drunk guests he had to get physical with on-board his ship, a warning light sounded in my mind but not enough to stop chatting to him.

I really needed to start listening to my inner voice of reason…

Sigh…

By Day Two, Mr Love Boat had a mild bullying tone going on, and refusing to express an interest in asking me any questions about myself, even though we’d spent most of our conversation talking about him.

As a lark, I asked him if he’d ever been arrested – it was one of my go-to 20 questions to ask a potential online date.

The following response gave me the chills all over:

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I am strongly opposed to gender violence of any kind and this, this right here was why I was willing to stay single for a good while longer… goddamn crazies, I tell you!

F*** it- NEXT!

 

 

 

How I Met Your Father: CT Girl in Jozi

Kids, every now and again, when the horrors of online dating got too much for me, I’d pack up my bags and hot foot it to another city to clear my head. Johannesburg, or Jozi as it is affectionately known, and a visit with your godfather Leon beckoned in March 2017…

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Yes, I make him pose for endless photos but Leon doesn’t mind when I make him look good. Taken at the Maboneng Precinct

In celebration of Lee’s 29th (again, haha) birthday and so that I could be his personal photographer all weekend long, we sampled all of the city’s ample delights including:

Beefy Boys:

Your Spirit Mom Leo and I have been to the Cape Town branch of Beefcakes so often, we have our designated table so it was only right for me to pay the JHB restaurant a visit too…

And boy, was I delighted with their considerable, uh, assets:

Found my Tarzan …thanks @beefcakes_jhb 😍 I ain't leaving #jozi anytime soon! 📷 : @leeyon_j

A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on

Adonis sightseeing aside, the Illovo site has a top-notch line-up of performers, including the Menopause drag trio and it was so worth a fun night out!

Hipster markets:

Leon says that hipsters pretty much visit the Neighbourgoods Market in Jozi to take selfies and post them to Instagram…I’m inclined to agree:

A selfie a day. With @fazielahwilliams at Neighbourgoods Market. #ctgirlinjhb

A post shared by Lee (@leeyon_j) on

Thrilling theatre shows:

My imaginary love affair with the hot AF theatre legend Jonathan Roxmouth was well documented on social media and so I just couldn’t miss the opportunity to watch him again in the local production of the iconic musical, West Side Story.

From 2015:

Faz Jono

Faz Jonathan

To 2017, my favourite Tony has my heart:

I missed your godfather terribly but visiting each other was always a great treat:

Travelling solo to New York had reawakened my wanderlust and I was looking forward to exploring my country and the world in 2017.

The dating adventures continue in the next How I Met Your Father story…

How I Met Your Father :the one with #LoveAtFirstBite at Dunkin Donuts

Kids, on Valentine’s Day in 2017, I found #LoveAtFirstBite with Dunkin Donuts…

dunkin-donuts

Ok, fine, I fell in love with their quirky heart shaped offerings BUT I also experienced a resurgence of faith in the speed dating industry after attending the Dunkin Donuts ‘#LoveAtFirstBite speed dating event on Monday 13 February, 2017.

I know I said I’d NEVER attend another speed dating event after the disaster in 2015 but you know, hope springs eternal and come on, who can say not to donuts?

Here’s why the #LoveAtFirstBite experience rocked my dating world:

  1. Men, men, me EVERYWHERE:

raining-men

I “dated” nine men in the space of 40 minutes …the fact that there were so many guys for the first time at a speed dating event was heartening AND they were relatively good looking!

2.  Talk to me, baby:

Behold the blessings of a good conversationalist! A few of them, like Ryan, the hot primary school teacher ( awww, he loves kids and giving back to the community!) made the five minutes allocated to getting to know each other fly by with their interesting anecdotes.

3.  Keeping things sweet:

Look, I’d be lying if I said the real reason I was there was to  potentially meet your father … because let’s be honest, I love sweet things and, donuts, like a lot!

Besides the romantic #LoveAtFirstBite deal Dunkin Donuts was running for Valentine’s Day, they kept us sweet all night with special editions of their famous product and ice coffee. My favourite was the Hazelnut flavour and the choc choc heart!

Did Cupid’s Arrow hit my voluptuous butt at the Dunkin Donuts event? Who knows … the point is, the evening gave me  renewed faith in love, sugar and singledom and that, Kids, is all I needed to meet your father.

 

How I Met Your Father: Adulting sucks, don’t do it!

Kids, adulting  sucks, don’t do it  – just don’t!

can't adult
Image credit: BlogHer

It is a universal fact of life that just when you think you have the hang of the adult thing , Life will bitch slap you and prove that just like Jon Snow, you know nothing!

jon snow know nothing
Image credit: Panda Whale

See, in 2017, the month after my return from the Big Apple, adulting hit me hard …so hard in fact , that, I was pretty sure I’d be living off two minute Maggi noodles for the rest of the f***ing year and saying goodbye to my dreams of travelling.

In a week that can only be described as the ninth circle of Dante’s Inferno, I had the most f***ked seven days of bad online dating ( we’ll chat about that next time); home renovations where the builders left more damage than they fixed and the unpleasant news that I needed surgery that would cost me an arm and a leg.

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Add to that the fact that I was locked out of my own apartment complex because the building managers changed the f***ing locks without telling anyone and every second person I met asking me to define my ethnicity and marital status and you can understand why all I was craving was a walk through Central Park.

Sigh…

I used to hate it when adults told me not to be so impatient to grow up… I now understood what they meant.

The icing on the proverbial cake, of course, was that this was all happening in the lead up to Valentine’s Day and I was feeling my singleton status all the more keenly.

I knew I was a strong independent woman but when faced with seemingly insurmountable obstacles and an ever growing mountain of debt, I wished, just for a second, someone else would do the adulting for me and take the load off.

adult dumb

Don’t grow up… it’s a damn trap!