Tag Archives: featured

How I Met Your Father: The one with the unasked for nudes

Kids, in the Autumn of 2018, I was having a particularly shit time with online dating… the liars who catfished me and then blamed me for believing them I could deal with (more about that later).

It’s the goddamn asshole who sent me unasked for nude photos and then shamed me for being a “prude” that I couldn’t deal with.

No, motherf***ker, just NO!

Let me backtrack a little…

March 2018…

On a sunny Sunday in Cape Town, whilst waiting to watch The Greatest Showman at my favourite arts cinema The Labia, I started chatting to one Andrew Wild on OkCupid.

Conversation was flowing quite well, even if I had to steer it from becoming too sexual at times ( i.e. when I said I am free for brunch, he wanted to know what about dinner and  breakfast at his place instead… uh, no, Dude, not for a first date!).

When I called him out on it, he said he didn’t mean anything untoward by his comment.

“I’m here to get to know you and possibly build something real”, he assured me.

Great. so no f***boy behaviour anymore, right?

Yeah, right…

Over the next four days, texts about movies, comics, work etc flowed back and forth until…

Thursday…

Andrew complimented me on my tasteful black and white swimsuit Whatsapp profile photo.

I thanked him but ignored him when he said he hoped to see more… again, Brother Man, what I post for my own self image is not an invitation for you to be leery.

Trying to remain positive, I asked Andrew to send me a photo to help me recognise him on our upcoming brunch date.

He promised to send a few when he got home ( this right here should have been my warning of things to come!).

A few hours later he sent… nudes.

What the actual f***, Bro?!

Image credit: Meme Generator

It would be one thing if I had asked for naked photos and he actually had a body to be proud of, but I did not ask for them and what they showed left a lot to be desired…

As your wonderful Aunt Yoli put it:

“Can we take a moment about how this entitled f***boi is sending you topless pics but has the body of a Pillsbury doughboy?”

I wished I’d sent him this:

Image credit: Awww.memes.com

Instead, when I dared to tell Andrew that not only were his naked photos unnecessary but also inappropriate to send to a stranger, he responded:

“I wanted you to see all of me. They were not nudes. If you think a man who sends a photos of himself without his shit on is disrespectful, then you have issues..Jesus, if I had known what a prude you are,I would never have started chatting to you!Your loss, chick””

Excuse me? In the era of the #MeToo movement, I ,as a woman, have the full f***ing right to speak up and out when I am being accosted by unwanted photos.

To voice this right is not being prudish… F*** you!

I blocked Andrew’s non-appealing ass so fast and reported him to every dating site. Take that, Pillsbury Doughboy!

How I Met Your Father: The coffee guy meet-cute

“So, do you come here often?”, he asked as he gazed down at me with smiling blue eyes…

Kids, it was the Autumn of 2018, and I was being chatted up whilst waiting to buy a coffee at the Workshop 17  Cafe …at least I was, when I finally realised it.

I’ve told you about how absolutely clueless I am at knowing when guys are hitting on me. This particular day was no different.

Mr Tall, Blonde and Handsome ( SO my type!) has been checking out my superhero bag before falling in line behind me and while I kept checking on my bag over my shoulder, he smiled at me before saying Hi.

I was perfectly ok chatting with him until he laid the “Do you come here often?” line on me and that’s when my inner Bridget Jones kicked in.

Image caption: Pinterest

I mumbled over responses to the “what do you do?” question and him teasingly asking why I assumed he was in the creative industry.

I swear I am an expert at cockblocking myself.

Image caption: Pinterest

Sigh…

At that point, his colleague joined us and my new crush said:

“This is Richard. Richard, this is… I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name?”

Me: “Fazielah and you are?”

Him: “That’s a beautful name. How do you spell that? Oh, and I am Dave”

And just as I was about to say something vaguely flirtateous, my coffee order came up and the moment was lost.

F***!

i threw a hasty and blushing goodbye at the guys over my shoulder, as I went back to my seat.

Between giggling everytime I looked up to see Dave looking at me and writing my mobile number down on my business card to give to him, I was in proper girly mode!

Alas, by the time I worked up the nerve to actually go back and give him my card, Dave the Wonderful has vanished into thin air.

Story of my goddamned life!

Gods, HELP ME!

How I Met Your Father: The shady neighbour DM slider

Kids,I’ve found over the long, LONG course of my singlehood that people (i.e. wives and girlfriends) assume that single women are so desperate, they are hitting on guys,especially attached ones, constantly.

Oh hell no!

More often than not, we’re batting these desperate men away with holy water and a cross:

tenor
Image credit: Tenor

Case in point: my shady AF neighbour, Sean.

2014…

I was struggling to get my cranky car Mr Winchester to start just outside of my apartment building in Vredehoek when Sean leaned out of his window to yell his “helpful” advice (something about turning the key again… what do I know about cars?!) at me.

I ignored him and eventually got the car started.

2015…

There I was minding my own goddamn business on the MyCiTi bus when Sean plonked himself down next to me, interrupting my very serious Crossfire erotica reading to “introduce” himself.

Him, in that way that coloured men think is hot but SO isn’t: “Do you remember me? I helped you with your car last year. I’m Sean”

Me, rolling my eyes because clearly my resting bitch face was not on point and my book didn’t seem to give this idiot a clue that I wanted to be left the f*** alone: “Vaguely… I’m Fazielah”

Awkward silence followed until he disembarked.

The following two years saw more of these awkward exchanges at the bus stop until he befriended me on Facebook.

2017…

Sean would see me around the building or out on a random Game shopping trip in the City Centre or spot a photo of me with friends on my timeline and like the crap out of said photo.

I’d talk to him when he talked to me but he was so far from my usual type, with his tracksuit pants, earrings in his ears, his Citi Golf. I mean, you guys know that I am a full on tall, blonde, blue-eyed man fan,right?!

revving engine
Image credit: Quickmeme

One night, following a classic display of a coloured man showing interest in a woman by revving his car’s engine at me ( Lord Jesus, WHY do they do this?!), Sean slid into my DMs with:

“You really looked beautiful tonight”

I entertained this shit for a while because a) I am beautiful and b) awww until…

He started posting photos of his girlfriend. Are you f***ing kidding me?!

ddt0spu

Dude, hitting on another woman when you are dating someone else is SHADY AF!

I ain’t nobody’s sidepiece or late night bootycall.

NO… absolutely NOT!

2018…

I had deleted his jerkass from my Facebook friend list and was going about my life as usual when…

The morning run-in happened on my way to a weekend away with your Nan, Aunt Sam and friends.

We said hi and I declined his offer to help me carry my bags to my Uber.

I kid you f***ing not, barely 30 minutes later I received this:

“You looked beautiful by the way”

Look, I am not opposed to receiving compliments from a man but when that man belongs to someone else and still insists on hitting on me, there’s a problem.

block facebook
Image credit: Someecards

It was time to find the block button because ain’t nobody got time for lying, cheating jackasses.

How I Met Your Father: the one with the fetish guy

Kids, after the Kevin Hart lookalike who caught feelings because of my amazing “Indian Malay” looks in 2017, I thought I’d put the Fetishism shit behind me.

Sigh…

2018 brought with it Mr I am a low-key racist and freak on Tinder.

Meet Steve,30, a brunette and newly returned to Cape Town from London. A Saturday morning of back and forth texting unfolded as below and nearly caused me to chuck up my well-earned post-fast walk breakfast:

Him: “So, I must be honest. I’ve been away for 10 years and I have no non-white friends left”

Me (confused because up to this point we’d merely been exchanging pleasantries and race hadn’t even been a topic): “Uhm, ok, but what has that got to do with anything?”

He sent a LOL which immediately annoyed me because WTF,Dude? A) race is no laughing matter and B) why bring it up in an otherwise normal conversation with a woman you may or may not want to date?

I ignored him and tried to steer the conversation into more acceptable topics with the help of my tried and tested 20 questions list.

The problem is that creeps always boomerang to their default settings:

creep

Steve followed up his earlier racial blunder with this charming (NOT!) one liner:

“I have to say I am into the natural tanned look and you fit the bill ;)”

Uhm, no Motherf***er, NO!

My friends and family circle is all kinds of mixed – I love every single colour in the f***ing wonderful rainbow that the world has to offer and I will be Gods-damned before I let anyone objectify me simply because of the colour of my skin and my mixed heritage.

Men like this asshole assume that women of colour are sluttier and more likely to put out and think that saying so in a round-about way is going to get them laid sooner…

Newsflash, Doos, I am not and you won’t.

To quote the wonderful Clive Owen:

The sad thing is that this racial fetishism is apparently the norm.

I loved my brown skin the way the amazing India Arie taught me to and that was what I chose to focus on:

F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: The Valentine’s Day speed dating wars

Kids, on Valentine’s Day 2018, I decided to get back out into IRL dating pool and try my luck at Radisson Red Cape Town and Smart Date’s Swipe Right speed dating event.

speed-dating-graphic-610x392
Image credit: http://www.copamilwaukee.com

The hotel, with its brilliant red decor, lovely staff and quirky vibe was the perfect setting for this offbeat gathering of singletons.

As with all of the speed dating events I’d been to before, there was a round-robin of five minute dates with the only eight guys who showed up.

I’d been shy or bored or freaked out at these events before but the 2018 edition wasn’t bad at all.

I met quite a few quality guys who were well-travelled, taught school children, ran motorcycle tourist businesses etc and thank the Gods, there was no repeat of Mr I look Hot but I am incredibly boring.

After the incredibly horrible time I’d been having with online dating the week before, just talking to men face to face was a treat. I wasn’t nervous or making a Bridget Jonesesque fool of myself and the evening was a relative success, by my account.

Unfortunately, as I predicted, I got friend-zoned by the guys I’d picked for romantic interests… story of my goddamn life, right?

F***it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one where I realise I am too old for this dating s***

Kids, in 2018, I was starting to feel once again like Danny Glover about dating:

See, I’d struck up a conversation with Mathys (31) on Tinder, which moved to Whatsapp and every single one of his texts were filled with abbreviations and sms speak… and you guys know my thoughts on this particular language:

One particularly confusing moment happened like this:

Him: “What r u up 2?”

Me (channelling my inner Carrie Bradshaw/any f***ing writer  or hell, a normal adult who uses full godamn words):  “I’m off to a movie with friends. It’s an open air cinema and I am excited. What are you up to?”

Him: “LOMB”

Kids, I kid you f***ing not – it took me THREE hours to decipher this text.

I felt like Sherlock doing a complicated mind palace:

After much pondering, soul searching and chatting to my ancestors, I realised LOMB meant…

Lying on my bed.

Of course it did:

Gods, Kids, if I couldn’t even successfully have a decipherable conversation with a guy via text, how the f*** was I going to share my life with one?!

 

How I Met Your Father: Don’t call me “Baby”!

Kids, in 2018, I came to the realisation that probably one of the main reasons I was still single was that I just couldn’t handle pet names and more specifically, being called “Baby”.

I mean, why the f*** do people have this insatiable need to bless their significant others with cutesy nicknames that made me want to vomit every time I heard them?

Where was this tirade coming from, I hear you ask? Well, remember Mr I say I love you too soon?

We were still chatting for a while after his premature exclamation of catching feelings and one particular evening, he was ending every goddamn sentence with “Baby” on WhatsApp.

Not matter how many times I gave him the Nymeria seen face…

nymeria-come-with-me-seen-26574330

he just carried on calling me “Baby”.

At this point, I was fuming because for the love of f***Destiny’s Child, my mama had blessed me with a strong AF name (which literally means superiority!) so how hard was it to:

Brother man needed to be schooled, hard and fast. The next morning, we had it out in a series of texts:

Me: “So… what’s with the Baby thing?”

Him: “I guess it’s not cool?”

Me: “It’s not”

Him: ” Are you sure? Well, sorry about that if it’s not cool with you”

Me: “I don’t do pet names… we are not teenagers or lovesick puppies so cut that s*** out”

Him: “Ok, I will respect your choice but most times I can’t resist it because I cannot resist you”

Gods…

For this explanation, I needed to dip back into my 15-year-old self’s favourite feminist song selection:

Got it? Good!

How I Met Your Father: Stuck between shady photos and too soon I love yous

Kids, in January 2018, I was back on the online dating grind… even though the 2020 deadline of having you had nothing to do with finding your father, I still had to get back out there sometime or other, right?

Sigh…

For this new foray into the murky online waters, I turned to Tinder, thinking that I hadn’t given it enough of a go back in 2016/2017.

My first week yielded two vastly different suitors.

Bachelor Number 1: Mr Send Me Shady Photos:

Razvan was a 33-year-old Romanian financial manager who, apart from apparently being an admirer of my considerable curves, was also a nude photo enthusiast.

He pestered me for days to send him a photo because he wanted to “further enhance the image he had of me in his imagination”

Uhm, no bro, just NO!

bye felicia
Image credit: Giphy

Blocked and goodbye.

Bachelor Number 2: Mr I’ve never met you but I am in love with you:

Clifford was a 37-year-old single dad from British Columbia, Ohio and eager to move things offline as quickly as he could.

I was feeling daring so I gave him my number to woo me via WhatsApp. What started out as general chit chat quickly turned into “You are perfect. I love you, Fazielah”

Image credit: Giphy

Uhm…

Look, I’d like to think I’m perfect but I f***ing love being flawed AF and seriously, Bro, how the f*** can you love me after two days of texting?!

I’m majestic and all but even I am not that good:

Image credit: Pinterest

Your aunt Lutfia reminded me that being cynical wasn’t always the way to go and that people genuinely fall in love online but even I couldn’t be so naive to think that Clifford was being genuine.

Come on, this was my life… when did fairytale shit like this EVER happen to me?

This wasn’t just me putting up my impossible walls around myself and not letting people in. Clifford was just another catfisher like David had been, surely…

Urgh…why was dating in 2018 so f***ing difficult?!

 

How I Met Your Father: The one with the ticking biological clock PT 2

Kids, in January 2018, random babies were literally throwing themselves at me…

At McDonald’s while I was chowing down a Happy Meal (quit judging me, HMs are like 20 bucks cheaper AND I was collecting toys for my younger cousin Israh… that’s my story and I am sticking to it!)

At Spar, when I was doing my evening shopping.

Those cute dimples, the curly hair, the womb-tugging giggles that rose from their little bellies as they delighted in my cooing at them.

These run-ins  constantly  had me fantasizing about dressing you guys up in Wonder Woman or Superman costumes for your first photo shoot…

Image credit: Pinterest

My biological clock wasn’t ticking so much as it was imitating the Jumanji’s insane drumming schtick:

The only New Year’s resolution I’d made was that man or no man, come hell or high water, I was having you in 2020 and I knew I was working hard on my mind, body ( by restarting my ankle-interruptus running career) and soul ( more travel, less drama) to get to that goal.

Gif credit: Buzzfeed

Seeing adorable babies just made the need to have you a little too much to bear, my loves…

How I Met Your Father: being care-free and bold during Cape Town’s festive season

Kids, in December 2017, I gave myself permission to be the care-free person I am when I travel in Cape Town.

The girl who…

  • does crazy things like jump up on stage at a karaoke bar and belts out Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive while cold stone sober ( because throat infection and antibiotics!):

To quote your godfather Leon: “Friend, I swear you’re more gay than I am!”

  • embraces her inner sunbathing babe with her best friends at her side:
beach babes
Sunbathing with my babes. Image credit: Ella Williams
  • successfully co-stalks not just one but TWO celebrities to help makes her magical sisters Leonie and Linesri’s fangirl dreams come true.

From holding my breath, waiting to see if a tweet and prayer would get Leo and I a seat at TJ Miller’s guest table (it did!) and rocking photographic wingwoman duties at the Cape Town Comedy Club…

leo TJ Miller

…to putting in a special meet and greet request for Lin with Jonathan Roxmouth at Evita the Musical:

We succeeded and brilliantly so:

2017 had been a crazy and often difficult year emotionally and physically but I was determined to live the last few days of it carefree and happy!

Bring it on, 2018!