Tag Archives: dating cape town

How I Met Your Father: the one with the bumble fail

Kids, in December 2019, I was out in the streets of Cape Town and online, dating up a storm. Granted, I’d lowered my guard a bit, in an attempt to get over my depression and have the best summer EVER before you guys happened.

Which leads me to my next big Bumble failure. Having decided to forget about the terrible American comedian fiasco on this site before, I swiped right on Warren (38) and was delighted when it was a match.

We kicked off the conversation with the usual how are yous and then got down to what did you get up to this weekend. Filling him in on the 40th birthday bash I attended, I perked up when he said his weekend had been particularly interesting.

Me: “Oh? How so? “

Warren: “Well… I was with a man for the first time.”

Wait…

Image credit: Giphy

Look, I’d like to consider myself pretty fucking open minded, especially in 2019 when everyone was supposedly sexually fluid, but why the actual fuck would a dude who was on a straight dating site, chatting up a woman, tell me he’d been with a man?

Image credit: Giphy

Not knowing what to say to his truth bomb and also, because I didn’t want to come across as freaked out or judgemental, I didn’t reply for an hour while I caught up on one of my favourite series, Empire.

A message arrived an hour later…

Warren: “I hope I didn’t upset you

Me, trying to act nonchalant about it: “Nah, I was busy catching up on series.”

Warren: “So… you don’t want to talk about it?”

Me, wondering where the fuck this was going:

“Look, you chose to share your story so whatever you’re comfortable with, is up to you”

Warren: “Oh, so you want details … LOL.”

Ok, mother fucker, no! This is where I draw the fucking line.

Image credit: Giphy

Look, I am as accepting of all sexualities, all personalities etc as the next girl but jackass, there is NO world where I need to hear the details of the sex the person I am interested in, had with someone else! NONE!

Just to prove to myself I wasn’t being a bigot and this guy was in fact stepping over the fucking line of online dating etiquette , I gave some thought to the fact that had I been a lesbian and the woman I was chatting to , wanted to tell me the details of her first experience with a man, how would I have reacted? And you know what? I’d probably have said EXACTLY what I said to Gay-for-the-Weekend Warren:

“No, thank you. That’s private and should remain between the two of you.”

Silence from Warren and then, do you know what the mother fucker did?

He unmatched me!

Image credit: Giphy

Listen, the trash took itself out, thank the fucking Gods, but still! Why did online dating have to be so fucking hard?!

Urgh… NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the cute dog and hot topless neighbour

Kids, it was Friday the 13th and I was about to get unexpectedly lucky…

Far from meeting my untimely death with this dude:

Image credit: Giphy

… I’d wandered down the back staircase of my apartment building because thanks to the ever reliable Eskom, load shedding had hit and our gates were not working.

As I wandered down, I came upon the cutest dog ever. Now, you guys know how dog crazy I am. In fact, if I could live my days like this, I would be endlessly happy ( I’ll take Keanu too… just don’t tell your Dad!):

Image credit: Giphy

Stopping to pat this furry cutie, I welcomed him with my usual doggy-specific greeting:

“Good Morning, Handsome!”

Seemingly out of nowhere, I received a reply:

“Well, Hello!”

No, I hadn’t suddenly turned into Doctor Dolittle with the ability to talk to animals… as I raised my eyes to look for the origin of the greeting, I locked eyes with a drop dead gorgeous, half-naked man:

Mr Tall, Dark and Naked was obviously my new fur pal’s dad and my neighbour. How had I not noticed him before?!

I blushed, said a nervous “Hi!”back at him and ran towards the exit.

I know..I did that with Alexander Skarsgard too but can you blame me?! Hot AF , topless men popping out of nowhere are a shock to my system… a very good one.

Oh, it was a lucky Friday the 13th, indeed!

How I Met Your Father: the one where I went on a cruise to unf*** myself

Kids, shortly after my 34th birthday, which had been an extravaganza of love and celebrations with all of my favourite people ( besides and before you!), I was about to embark on my very first cruise ship vacation.

See, life had been pretty shitty, mostly because Jet was still being an entitled asshole whose fucktard shenanigans included throwing boxes around to get my attention, making highly offensive sexual innuendos in a ploy to get in on conversations I was having with other people, ignoring me when that didn’t work and then hanging around until I was forced to look at him.

The anticlimactic stunt: running towards me like the lead guy in a rom com, scooping me up and hugging me so tightly and for so long as he wished me a Happy Birthday, it surpassed the limitations of appropriateness, caused coworkers to comment on it and lead to him unfollowing me on Instagram because he’d been caught showing his feelings again. For a boy who claimed I was just a “dear friend”, he had a funny way of showing it.

This sums up what I wish I could have said to the jackass:

Image credit: We heart it

Anyway, I digress… Jet’s bullshit aside, I was coming out of my depression but I needed to remember who I was before he, and life had fucked me over in 2019.

Basically, I had to follow this sage advice from the Internet:

Image credit: me.me

A five night girls’trip with your Aunt Yoli and her friends, to celebrate our birthdays, seemed like the best fucking way to do that.

Honestly, I was done trying to figure out why the Universe had fucked me over with Jet, why I wasn’t any closer to meeting your father and having you and why everyone else seemed to be able to do it at the drop of a hat.

Cocktails, fun in the sun and nothing but miles and miles of ocean between me and my first world problems seemed like the perfect solution.

Image credit: Giphy

I’d get back to my “Operation Baby 2020” plan soon enough… I knew you guys were waiting for me. Momma had to have some uncomplicated fun first.

Let’s drop that anchor, Baby!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the unsolicited TEENAGE love advice

Kids, in the winter of 2019, your Spirit Mom Leo and I took your god-brother and god-sister Kris and Heidi on a magical night out to watch Disney on Ice at the GrandWest Casino’s Grand Arena.

Despite initially protesting that the show was for children, your moody teenage god siblings ended up singing along to most of the songs and actually enjoying themselves.

Image caption: it’s Disney on Ice night out for House Wyrd!

During the post- how supper and ride home, though, is where the real magic happened as Kris and Heidi (mostly Heidi, who has been ragging my ass about the dire state of my dating life since she was nine-years-old) proceeded to serve up some hot, unsolicited teenage love advice.

Image credit: giphy

“Fazi, you really should try online dating. It is where all of the cool kids are. Double check those profile photos, though, ’cause they are dodgy” – Heidi

“Fazi, aren’t you too old to have kids? Forty is old!” – Kris (note to reader: I was NOT 40).

“Fazi, maybe you should consider being someone’s side chick. I mean, my YouTube crush is nine years older than me and when I am 18, I am going to be his side chick” – Heidi

Ok, so my Spirit Children still had LOADS of growing up to do before I would take their advice or let them babysit you but I know their quirky little teen hearts meant well.

Image caption: Meet the godkids!

With Kris and Heidi by my side, your future father was going to have his work cut out for him, trying to pursue me ūüėČ

How I Met Your Father: the one where I wished friends would stop giving me hope

Kids, by June 2019, the flirtation with Jet was at an impasse.

We’d moved beyond the shy greetings and gentle teasing at the office with plenty of interaction at our recent company staff party. We’d been seen together so often and there were videos of the night’s events where he was caught on camera staring at me, people were constantly asking him if we were a couple.

Which is exactly where our problems began. Jet was apparently SO uncomfortable with all of the goodnatured teasing from our co-workers, he’d start ghosting me (in f***ing person no less!) at the office for a few days each week.

What the actual f***, man?!

If you guys can recall, until roughly seven months prior, I’d barely known Jet existed, let alone that he liked me. Now, when I was finally catching feelings too, Brother Man was getting cold feet and running for the f***ing hills.

He would ignore me during the day but deep like my old Instagram posts at 1am. Are you f***ing kidding me, Boy?!

Listen, to quote my favourite:

Our mutual friends still held out hope for a romantic ending because Jet was always either asking them to help him keep up to date with Game of Thrones so he could talk to me about it, demanding to know what they had done with “his Fazielah” when I was out of the office or pausing on the stairway above my desk until I was forced to look up at him and say Hi.

I, to be quite f***ing honest, was feeling my inner Avengers Ronin on this:


Hope,Kids, would be the death of me…

I deserved far f***ing better than being a 26-year-old’s maybe. I was a “I knew I wanted her from the moment I saw her” kinda girl.

F*** IT! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one where people confessed their secrets to me

Kids, for as long as I can remember, random strangers would walk up to me or sit down next to me and confess their deepest, darkest secrets or their unexpected joy.

In 2019, in the space of a week, three people I didn’t know from a bar of soap , confided in me and it got me wondering: “Was I a priest or a counsellor in my previous life?”

While I listened patiently, I was always silently screaming:

Image credit: Tenor

Here are three times people confessed their secrets to me:

The Baby Mama Whispers:

There I was minding my own business in the queue for the Clicks pharmacy when the beautiful, curly-haired woman next to me let out a few audible sighs.

Being quite experienced at this and realising I could no longer turn a deaf ear to the ever-increasing volume of her sighs, I turned to the distressed lady and asked:

“Are you ok?”

Gods, remind me not to do that again…

“Actually, no. I’m just feeling dizzy and here’s why”.

She proceeded to show me her script for folic acid so of course, I got excited because:

Image credit: Tenor

Kids, as much as I love babies, this mommy-to-be was WAY too open about how she’d suspected she was pregnant for a while, had her own blood tests done because she didn’t trust her doctor to, was feeling dizzy, wasn’t showing yet at 11 weeks but according to her OBGYN, the fetus was too big for the gestational age and she couldn’t find her boyfriend.

I mean, come on:

Image credit: Tenor

The Keyless Runner:

A week after the Baby Mama drama, I was waiting on my Uber to arrive at the Lower Tafelberg Road parking lot when a runner uh, runs, up to me and for several seconds, keeps exclaiming:

“Holy shit, I am one lucky bastard!”

Seeing as he very obviously was not going to go away, despite my very best Meryl Streep impression:

I ventured a cautious: “What happened?”

“Oh My God! I thought I’d lost my car keys and couldn’t find them. Which is horrible because I just ran around the mountain. I was completely freaking out and then ran back to the roadside tap I’d drunk water at three hours ago and my keys were STILL there! Amazing, right?!”, the excited runner exclaimed.

Since I could see he needed the validation, I gave him an enthusiastic “Well done, you!”

The Chatty Uber driver:

I’d had my fair share of run-ins with Uber drivers before. Some of them were actually quite inspiring and others were downright fucking insulting so I was not exactly overthrilled when Sean Paul started our ride with :“I can see with my third eye that you are like a dormant volcano – still on the surface but burning with passion beneath that exterior”.

Image credit: gifer.com

For the next ten minutes before we collected your Uncle Tendai from his hotel, Sean Paul regaled me with tales of his traumatic childhood, how angry he was as a teenager and adult until he found Rastafarianism; how his third eye had grown due to his beliefs and how he’d recently played the white knight in shining armour for a female passenger when she was in trouble.

As the ride dragged on, I realised that Sean Paul was trying to hit on me . Did priests or counsellors ever encounter this problem, I wondered?

Thanks the gods that the minute your godfather joined us, my chatty would-be suitor and confessor stopped spewing his guts and life could go on.

Fuck it, Capetonians… please get yourselves some paid therapy and leave me alone!

Image credit: Giphy

How I Met Your Father: the one where I spilt my tea for a man

Kids, I was feeling Jet hard… and although I tried to believe Jennifer Paige when she said it was just a little :

… it didn’t help that he was obviously feeling the same way.

I mean the guy was calling me his girlfriend to coworkers; eagerly greeting me morning, noon and night; playing the perfect gentleman and attentive date by pulling out my chair, getting me drinks and engaging me in conversation at work functions; telling people he was bringing me as his date to after hours events; taking every chance he could to hang out at my desk and just generally being all up in my business.

How was I reacting to all of this wanton lusting and office flirtation, you ask?

Oh, Sweet Child of Mine…

Your momma once again invoked the spirit of literary and cinematic singleton Bridget Jones, because really, why even try being cool about a real life flesh and blood man ( and a younger one, at that!) being into me?

One afternoon, Jet was bounding down the staircase, as he was wont to do, off to save some IT crisis or other, and I, as I was wont to do, was watching him … drinking in the sight of him, feasting my eyes and all but drooling.

So much so, that I … spilt my tea all over my desk and my pants.

I was literally wet at the sight of him.

F*** me,ground, swallow me whole right NOW!

How I Met Your Father: 3 dating resolutions for 2019

Kids, in January 2019, I was about 13 months away from having you and I realised that while 2018 had been a year of learning and growing dating-wise, I had no time to f*** around anymore and I had to get serious about finding your Dad.

I knew he wasn’t going to just drop out of the sky like a romantic male Mary Poppins so I was going to have put in some hard work.

Things were progressing quite nicely with Jet , but it wasn’t a sure thing and I had to make some dating resolutions for the New Year:

  1. No more messing around with f*** boys: those late night “I missed you tonight” texts, unexpected phone calls to “catch-up”; the ol’ “my friend can’t make it, will you go with me to xxx” last minute invitations and the “send me photos of what you are up to” requests bullshit would no longer be tolerated in 2019. Either step up , ask me out and tell me how you feel about me or please f*** off from whence you came, Sir!
  2. Out with the apps, in with the IRL dates: Tinder, OkCupid, Datingbuzz and Bumble had given me MORE than my fair share of shitty online dating experiences in 2018 and the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. In 2019, I was going to give my thumbs a break from swiping left or right and let my eyes and charming pick-up lines work their magic… mostly. You guys know how I have no game but a girl had to try.
  3. Live a lot: with just over a year until I would have you, I realised there was a SHIT TON of things I wanted to do , that wouldn’t be as easy with a baby onboard. No offence, my loves. I drew up a list of 100 things I wanted to do before becoming a mom ( which I will share with you soon) and invited friends and family along to help me do them. From day train trips to another town to spending a weekend at a wildlife reserve and having another beach resort holiday to exploring more of Europe, I wanted to do it all. I couldn’t be a great mom and life partner if I wasn’t fulfilled and had lived a lot so it was time to do it.

2019 was the year things changed, Kids… and it really was spectacular!

How I Met Your Father: the one where I have no game PT2

Kids, as we have previously established, your mama has no game with the opposite sex.

Image credit: Reddit

In 2018, I am sad to say, things had not changed.

For all my protests about not shitting where you eat, I found myself with a workplace crush.

It had all started innocently enough… Jet would borrow a pen from me, leaning over my shoulder and getting all up into my personal space when there were plenty of pens lying on other desks closer to him.

Hello Captain Obvious:

Image credit: Tenor

A month later, after I arrived back from New York,Jet got a little bolder, especially after your Aunt Anthea made enquiries about his socializing preferences, knowing I had a predilection for cute, awkward  men.

Suddenly, he was greeting me enthusiastically every day, giving me birthday hugs, telling co-workers that his “girlfriend Fazielah” had invited him to a social night out¬† (I had done no such thing – I could barely get out Good Morning when speaking to him- how the f*** was I issuing invitations, let alone being called his girlfriend?!).

December 2018…

Was I flattered by this unexpected attention? Of course I was.

I decided I couldn’t let the young Jet do all of the work – I was an independent woman of the 21st century, for f***’s sake!

So…

One morning, as Jet zoomed by and up the staircase to his office, I shouted a very loud “HI!” at him.

Image credit: me.me

Smooth, Williams, real smooth.

Jet, confused at first as to whether I was actually yelling at him or just talking to all of the mountain ghosts, stopped and then said “Goeie More!” in reply.

I hadn’t thought about what would happen after that so…

I hid under my desk.

And stayed there for a good 15 minutes until I was sure he was gone.

Image credit: Tenor

Yes, really…

This, this is why I shouldn’t be allowed out into the dating world. I suck at flirting, goddammit!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the needy Italian

Kids, sometimes when my ego was bruised by a date, like when the Boston man child walked out on me, I would seek validation by running into the arms of another unsuitable candidate… such was the case with the Needy Italian.

August 2018…

Mike had literally just walked out of the door when your aunties Cynthia, Gloria and I got down and dirty on the dance floor and three new guys started started dancing with us – a nerdy but seriously cute type and two Italian brothers.

Things were going the way of Dirty Dancing minus the epic lift for me with one of the brothers, Emmanuele, and even though I actually had my eye on an uber cute and buff blonde on the other side of the dancefloor, I was having a good time.

dirty dancing cape town
Image credit: Giphy.com

An hour later, I was ready to leave and also feeling quite bold, bolstered by a mixture of f*** Mike attitude and several ciders, so – after punching my number into Emmanuele’s phone, I grabbed him by his big beared face and laid a long but chaste kiss on him:

kissing cape town
Image credit: Giphy.com

Fast forward to the next day when I was nursing the mother of all f***ing hangovers and I’d woken up to a barrage of texts:

“Is me, Emmanuele… you see me at Dubliner’s tonight, yes?”

“You wake? I much like to dance with you again”

“Mwah”

My outrage at my own idiotic self made me want to respond to my very enthusiastic Romeo with:

drunk me different
Image credit: Twitter

Why? Why were millennial men so f***ing needy?!

I didn’t want to hurt his feelings,though, and I was feeling kind of guilty about using him to¬†assuage my feelings of rejection by Mike the night before so I told him that I couldn’t make that night or the night after but perhaps we could try for the weekend.

The following Wednesday:

After ducking and dodging Emmanuele’s pretty intense advances ( with everything from following both your auntie Lee-Anne, who most certainly did NOT appreciate it, and I are on Instagram to liking every single photo I posted and constantly sliding into my WhatsApp with “I want to spend my nights with you” texts), I received the following message from him:

“I get on a plane back home now. I hope to come back next year. We please stay in contact. I will remember you.”

I wished him a good flight and then let him down gently,saying that I am sorry I kissed him when I had no intention of taking things any further and I hope he found a great girl who was more suited to his 29 year-old-self.

If I could have played that old The Manhattans classic for him, I would have:

I also vowed to myself to never use someone to get over someone else again – karma is a bitch and she may well come back to get me at some point.

I’m sorry, Emmanuele… you deserved better.