Tag Archives: dating advice

MS LILU’S SINGLE THOUGHTS: HOW TO DEAL WITH MR COMMITMENT-PHOBE

Him: “I like you but…. I don’t want a relationship for the next 5 years”

Me: “Then why did you ask me out when I told you I am a relationship girl, you dumb shit!”

Let me tell you a little story about someone I met after Dr Douchebag. This one just so happens to be a doctor as well. Sadly, no McSteamy or McDreamy…. well he’s Mcsteamy but I ain’t telling him that! Nah ah booboo.

Funny-Nah-Meme-Nah-bruh-im-good
Image credit: http://www.picsmine.com

No, I am not a doctor nor do I work in the medical field – it was just a really weird time where for some reason the men I met through friends all turned out to be medical professionals.

We met, sparks flew in every which way possible. I know he was super into it because he literally ran to get back to me when he had to leave for about 5 minutes to” get smokes” as he calls it. He could not be away from me for longer than a few minutes, we liked the same things and had similar interests in travel and life. He’s into online gaming, I’m in to online gaming so… nerdgasm right?

austin powers nerdgasm
Image credit: http://www.images.gr-assets.com

And he totally fit my tall dark and handsome requirements. The friends we were with melted in to the background of wherever we were and all that was left was the two of us. This is the beginning of a great love story right, RIGHT?!

So f***ing wrong!

We hit it off and we kept in touch. We have “The Talk:

I tell him I’m a relationship girl and that I don’t do the casual thing. Which he responded to by trying out some moves which I deflected with my ninja like abilities because they don’t call me Chun Li for nothing!

They call me Chun Li because of my eyes and hair but I digress…

Everything was going well and we went out a few times and a few months go by and he decides we need the talk…. again.

The same spiel comes out that I had already played out in my head, except for a few minor tweaks.

It started off quite normally:

Him: “I like you, this is amazing never felt like this before and I want to get closer much closer…”

Same old same old right? Hold on to your hats, Bitches, shit’s about to get real…where did we leave off…ah yes:

Him:” I want to get closer … but is it ok if we bang and I don’t speak to you for like two weeks because that’s just who I am? Also, I don’t want a relationship with anyone for five years but I feel this is something that we can build on. This, you and me thing …do you agree?”

commitment phobe cape town
Image credit: http://www.pinterest,.com

Please join me in a moment of silence for this almost relationship because it’s dead now!

I’m sorry… WHAT?

Why the F***?!

Why ask me out in the first place if you did not want to pursue something more?! Why keep up the pretence?!

Why the f*** not just say you want a special friend to help you when you have an itch?! I would have understood… and by that I mean I would have walked away a lot sooner  – A LOT sooner!

Y’all men make it so hard not to hate all of you from the get go…

This experience left me asking “How can a doctor be so stupid”? I mean in your years of reading books about the anatomy and whatever else ,you could not pick up a book about how to not be an idiot …they have a whole series of For Dummies books. YOUR NAME IS IN THE TITLE!!

Boys pretending to be men are stupid and this more than solidified my belief that it doesn’t matter how many degrees or PhDs you have, it doesn’t make you a man. Anyone can memorise tons of reading material. Too bad he couldn’t memorise a relationship book -namely how not to be a dumbass in one!

real men online dating
Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com

If anyone knows where the real men are ,could you drop a sista a line, send a smoke signal or something cause I’m done with this.

I am not shaving my legs unless you’re worth me looking extra cute or it’s a really hot summer day and I want to wear a skirt!

 

How I Met Your Father: the one where 21st century dating lingo got one up on me AGAIN

Kids, you remember how 21st century dating lingo got the best of me in 2016? Well, in 2017, I was seriously f***ing lost in translation!

sam winchester no idea
Image credit: http://www.unibaggage.com

July 2017 …

I’d swiped right on the hot Julianno’s photo on Tinder and we were a match! Hallelujah!

“According to tinder, I should say hello 😉 “, he texted and from there we were chatting away merrily until…

I asked him to tell him more about himself and he responded with:

“I’m a musician, nutrition advisor and I do a bit of modelling. But all in all, I’m journeying intentionally”

Wait… what?

confucius
Image credit: http://www.quickmeme.com

What new f***ery was this?! Even after I asked this Confucius wanna-be to explain further, all he could offer was “Simple… my moves are intentional and with purpose”.

I was still pretty confused, and I had to turn to your auntie Lee-Anne, mistress of deciphering guys’ bullshit, to translate for me.

“Honey, when a boy says shit like that, what he means is he is only looking to f***”

Oh! Right, so basically he is like Mr Instantaneous Convergence of two years before.

No wonder he disappeared from my DMs like mist before the sun after the conversation died out.

F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: 3 dating bloggers I love

Kids, every good writer and singleton looks to their peers for inspiration – others who were in the embattled trenches of dating in the 21st century and understood how hard it was finding love in the difficult hook-up culture we lived in.

BLOGGERS i LOVE

In 2017, mine came in the form of the following three incredible dating bloggers:

Yolisa Qunta

*Bonnie Tyler voice* Holding out for a hero

A post shared by Yolisa Qunta (@yolisaqunta) on

Not only was your Auntie Yoli my gorgeous and amazing birthday twin, she was also a published author of the incredible We Write What We Like book AND she was sharing her dating woes online on the All4Women site.

A fabulous Capetonian, Yoli was tackling the ups and downs of the single life in sunny Florida and regaling international audiences with her often funny but always true stories.

We traded horror stories via WhatsApps and Twitter quite often but none of them made me spit my tea all over my phone like the one with the dodgy and cheap baseball player.

Read all about it here.

James Michael Sama

HERE'S WHY MEN *SHOULD* STILL PAY FOR DATES 👫

A post shared by James Michael Sama (@jamesmsama) on

Confession time: in 2017, I had a MAJOR online crush on the ridiculously handsome and sweet James .

As I followed his dating advice, fitness adventures  and move to Hollywood on Instagram (and no, I was NOT stalking him …that behaviour is reserved for your future daddy Alexander Skarsgard!), I thoroughly enjoyed getting the male perspective on the dating scene.

This hottie (again, did I mention I was crushing hard???) posted fantastic video tips, inspirational quotes and adorable photos of his dog that gave me hope when I was in the dumps about bad online dating experiences.

Check out James’s useful tips and insights here.

Violet Online

violet online

I’d been addicted to Violet’s quirky musings about sex, love and the single life since seeing a live performance based on her blog and performed by the sexy Lynita Crawford at the Kalk Bay Theatre in 2015.

Reading the “real” Violet’s side-splitting tales online brought me many laughs and comforts on a daily basis.

Laugh out loud with the beautiful Violet Online here.

How I Met Your Father: Tales from fellow singleton, Ms Lilu

Hey, Faz’s kids., it’s your aunt Lee-Anne here.

single and fabulous
Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com

This, Guys and Girls , is my first forage in to the world of blogging about my life ’cause this shit is real and somebody has to hear about it…. The voices in my head can only do so much before they start turning on one another.

First and foremost, call me Lilu. It’s short and somewhat cute, just like me. Back in 2017, I’m a 31-year-old woman who has been single on and off for two years now and man, have I seen some M Nightshamalamadingdong crazy out there.

Sixth-sense-i-see-crazy-people-meme
Image credit: http://www.betteridaho.org

I’m not your typical single woman of what people discern as a “Certain Age”. Yeah, Bitch, it’s called 31 and although I don’t eat this fast food –  the slogan fits ‘Mmm, I’m lovin it” cue Justin Timberlake intro…I wish.

And as always, I’ve gone off track. What I was trying to say is I’m not looking for a guy to marry, I’m looking for a partner.

I need a good relationship before I can think of marrying anyone because some of these men out there are like Freys at the Red Wedding…if you did not catch that…Child, you need to watch some Game of Thrones.

frey red wedding

What I mean is I’m not desperate or constantly looking at who’s eligible.I don’t go out with the purpose to just meet a man so that I can have this Jerry McGuire-you-complete me-moment.

Don’t get me wrong :I was that for a hot minute. I believed this perfect moment would come and the sparks would fly and we would fly off to our castle on a magic carpet ride…. I dreamed of a Ferrari but got a Uno fire with a very good paint job.

After being in a long-term relationship where I thought I was happy and safe in this bubble of codependency and comfortable silence (in the wrong way I might add), I both revered and feared singledom.

I kind of knew I needed to get out but I was afraid to no longer have the label of girlfriend so I stayed in an unhappy and more importantly unhealthy relationship much longer than I should have. When I finally plucked up the courage and walked away it was the most terrifying thing I had ever done so far in my short life (no pun intended).

I went through every stage of grief you could go through because I lost a part of me that had always been there …well to me,anyway. I lost what I had come to know as home and all I could see was the loss of what was and not the potential of what could be……and oh.what potential turned out to be.

There have been tears, laughs, denials, super idiotic choices to please somebody because I wanted their approval. There have been friendships found and lost, family gained and what was shattered shards of myself put back together again.

Not in the way I was before, in a different kind of way, not better or worse just differently, stronger, better equipped to leave when a situation is bad and more confident to let someone know I like them when I do because ain’t nobody got time for high school  yes , no and maybe games.

My stories are many, and the people in them a colorful array of crazy and fun, sometimes more Norman Bates-like crazy than I would like but hey, sometimes you gotta roll with the punches.

Norman bates

As I went through all of this and still go through the surprises that life brings me, there was one I was not ready for.

There is a difference between having life and living it and enjoying life and watching it pass you by. Once you start living it, there’s no going back..

Also…..why is Kale a thing like it’s nice and all but does it have to be everywhere??

How I Met Your Father in Print Media with Molo Magazine

Kids,every so often online news agencies and magazines picked up on my never-ending hilarious tales to you. In February 2017, your aunt Nadia convinced me to share some of my horror dating stories with her.

molo online dating image

Here’s my Molo magazine feature:

Molo-February-2017_final

 

How I Met Your Father: The one with the hot guy on the plane

“Good Morning, Sleeping Beauty! Was that as good for you as it was for me?” he asked, with a smirk.

hot-guy-on-the-plane
Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com

Kids, this was the line I woke up to on a plane in Istanbul in November 2010, from the gorgeous guy whose personal space I had totally invaded during the long haul flight from Johannesburg.

img-20161210-wa0006

To say I was mortified is an understatement!

Not only had I acquired a seat mate I had NO recollection of meeting, but apparently I’d been drooling all night on his very hunky shoulder. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he was now staring into my flight seat bed head and wrinkled face… NOOOO!!!!

Ir’s not fair that these embarassing things kept happening to me, dammit!

its-not-fair
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Definitely zero chance of me joining the mile high club then! Oh, just stop it with your “TMI, MOM!” nonsense!

As I prepared to jet off for my fourth international trip in 2016, I couldn’t help reflecting back on my guy on the plane and giggle. So many embarrassing but fun things happen when you have the courage to travel solo 😉

C’est la vie!

How I Met Your Father: 5 things I wish people would stop saying to singletons everywhere

Kids, by 2016, I had had it with everyone from my grandmother to the guy at my local Spar poking their noses into my solo status and forcing their unsolicited opinions onto me about why it was that I was still single.

Here are 5 things I wish those people (smug marrieds, otherwise attached and even fellow singles too) would stop saying to singletons:

You’re too picky:

I’m going to let Madea take care of this one for me:

1bv28r

Let us be clear on one thing: I am NOT picky, I am selective – about who I spend time with and who I choose to be with. I am bloody amazing and I need my future partner to be of an equal standing to build a future with.

I will not settle for mediocre, boring AF men who have no ambition and interests, cannot support themselves or nurture and realise a family, just to make you feel better about me being single!

You’re just looking in all of the wrong places:

Oh, so that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all of this time?! Well, would you mind pointing me in the right direction there, Mr or Ms Know-It-All?

Because I am pretty sure I have looked f***ing EVERYWHERE – bars, bookstores, house parties, events, music concerts, meet-ups, blind dates, group hangouts, Tinder, OkCupid, Datingbuzz, speed dates, on international visits etc.

Every goddamn dating advice site or book tells singles to go to events and places that interest us and we’re bound to meet potential mates with similar interests.

Faz Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman seeks Steve Trevor or Superman!

Obviously I am the only comic book- reading, cosplaying, horror movie fanatic, musical-adoring, concert-going, pancake-addict, chocolate-devouring bookworm in the entire world or my soul mate lives on another planet.

Stop hating men so much:

Dear uneducated assholes …if you spent more than just five minutes of your sorry excuse of a life scrutinizing my singledom and how that reflects badly on you, you would see that I not only love men – I lust, crave, adore and want them in my life.

Exhibit A:

My undying, incurable, overwhelming desire to re-meet, mate with and marry this guy:

alexander-topless-gif
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Exhibit B:

My frequent Beefcakes ‘visits, Magic Mike nights out and general flirting with everything that moves.

I may not always know when a guy is hitting on me but I sure as hell know how to put the moves on one when I feel like it. Like Christian Grey, my tastes in the opposite sex are very singular:

singular-2
Image credit: www.memecommunity.com

And for the love of the Seven, stop telling me that I might be a lesbian. I will admit that I tend to fall in love with a person’s heart and soul rather than their gender, but this blog isn’t called How I Met Your Father for nothing.

You’re still young – there is plenty of time to find The One:

In case you haven’t noticed, I turned 30 a year ago and my biological clock has been ticking off the f***ing hook since I was 12!

I know it’s irrational but I feel as though I don’t have the time or the luxury of waiting for Mr Wonderful to show up – my eggs are expiring at an exponential rate.

Then again, Janet Jackson is having a baby at 50 so …ok, I’ll let this one slide.

Just stop looking and he will turn up:

Let me explain this in terms you’ll understand: you know that one handbag/car/house/clothing item/piece of jewellery etc you simply cannot live without and that you HAVE to find?

Yeah, that’s how we singles feel about our potential significant other.

Telling me to stop looking, wanting, searching for and dreaming about him, whoever he may be, is bloody torture. The more you tell me to quit looking, the more I am going to pretend to do just that but still secretly sign onto useless dating sites ,wonder if that cute guy at the café was just being nice or was really into me or imagine that my best male friend has been in love with me for forever.

Just stop giving me false hope that someday my Prince Charming is going to show up when I least expect it.