Tag Archives: crazy online daters

How I Met Your Father: Tales from fellow singleton, Ms Lilu

Hey, Faz’s kids., it’s your aunt Lee-Anne here.

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Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com

This, Guys and Girls , is my first forage in to the world of blogging about my life ’cause this shit is real and somebody has to hear about it…. The voices in my head can only do so much before they start turning on one another.

First and foremost, call me Lilu. It’s short and somewhat cute, just like me. Back in 2017, I’m a 31-year-old woman who has been single on and off for two years now and man, have I seen some M Nightshamalamadingdong crazy out there.

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Image credit: http://www.betteridaho.org

I’m not your typical single woman of what people discern as a “Certain Age”. Yeah, Bitch, it’s called 31 and although I don’t eat this fast food –  the slogan fits ‘Mmm, I’m lovin it” cue Justin Timberlake intro…I wish.

And as always, I’ve gone off track. What I was trying to say is I’m not looking for a guy to marry, I’m looking for a partner.

I need a good relationship before I can think of marrying anyone because some of these men out there are like Freys at the Red Wedding…if you did not catch that…Child, you need to watch some Game of Thrones.

frey red wedding

What I mean is I’m not desperate or constantly looking at who’s eligible.I don’t go out with the purpose to just meet a man so that I can have this Jerry McGuire-you-complete me-moment.

Don’t get me wrong :I was that for a hot minute. I believed this perfect moment would come and the sparks would fly and we would fly off to our castle on a magic carpet ride…. I dreamed of a Ferrari but got a Uno fire with a very good paint job.

After being in a long-term relationship where I thought I was happy and safe in this bubble of codependency and comfortable silence (in the wrong way I might add), I both revered and feared singledom.

I kind of knew I needed to get out but I was afraid to no longer have the label of girlfriend so I stayed in an unhappy and more importantly unhealthy relationship much longer than I should have. When I finally plucked up the courage and walked away it was the most terrifying thing I had ever done so far in my short life (no pun intended).

I went through every stage of grief you could go through because I lost a part of me that had always been there …well to me,anyway. I lost what I had come to know as home and all I could see was the loss of what was and not the potential of what could be……and oh.what potential turned out to be.

There have been tears, laughs, denials, super idiotic choices to please somebody because I wanted their approval. There have been friendships found and lost, family gained and what was shattered shards of myself put back together again.

Not in the way I was before, in a different kind of way, not better or worse just differently, stronger, better equipped to leave when a situation is bad and more confident to let someone know I like them when I do because ain’t nobody got time for high school  yes , no and maybe games.

My stories are many, and the people in them a colorful array of crazy and fun, sometimes more Norman Bates-like crazy than I would like but hey, sometimes you gotta roll with the punches.

Norman bates

As I went through all of this and still go through the surprises that life brings me, there was one I was not ready for.

There is a difference between having life and living it and enjoying life and watching it pass you by. Once you start living it, there’s no going back..

Also…..why is Kale a thing like it’s nice and all but does it have to be everywhere??

How I Met Your Father: Why online dating brings all the crazies to the yard

Kids, unlike that siren of the noughties, Kelis, my milkshake did not, in fact, bring all the boys to the yard …

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Nay, in typical Bridget Jonesesque behaviour, I brought all the crazies to your Nan and Cape Town’s nether regions … wait, stop snickering, let me re-phrase that. I tended to bring forth the definitely unhinged to the shores of my home.

In January 2017, I hit the jackpot of crazy online daters: Mr Love Boat!

We swiped right on each other and in the space of a day and half had worked up quite the repartee.

A newly retired cruise barman, Mr Love Boat was a 39-year-old conversationalist who had docked permanently in Franschhoek. So far, so good.

Here was a man who was well-traveled (he spoke of unbelievable vistas in Portugal, regaled me with funny stories of patrons in Spain and seemed to have the travel bug as bad as I did). That he now lived with his parents was questionable but excusable because after working on the high seas for the better part of 15 years, he hadn’t needed a permanent residence before.

When he jokingly ( or so I assumed) told me about the few very drunk guests he had to get physical with on-board his ship, a warning light sounded in my mind but not enough to stop chatting to him.

I really needed to start listening to my inner voice of reason…

Sigh…

By Day Two, Mr Love Boat had a mild bullying tone going on, and refusing to express an interest in asking me any questions about myself, even though we’d spent most of our conversation talking about him.

As a lark, I asked him if he’d ever been arrested – it was one of my go-to 20 questions to ask a potential online date.

The following response gave me the chills all over:

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I am strongly opposed to gender violence of any kind and this, this right here was why I was willing to stay single for a good while longer… goddamn crazies, I tell you!

F*** it- NEXT!