Tag Archives: bumble dating app

How I Met Your Father: the one with the bumble fail

Kids, in December 2019, I was out in the streets of Cape Town and online, dating up a storm. Granted, I’d lowered my guard a bit, in an attempt to get over my depression and have the best summer EVER before you guys happened.

Which leads me to my next big Bumble failure. Having decided to forget about the terrible American comedian fiasco on this site before, I swiped right on Warren (38) and was delighted when it was a match.

We kicked off the conversation with the usual how are yous and then got down to what did you get up to this weekend. Filling him in on the 40th birthday bash I attended, I perked up when he said his weekend had been particularly interesting.

Me: “Oh? How so? “

Warren: “Well… I was with a man for the first time.”

Wait…

Image credit: Giphy

Look, I’d like to consider myself pretty fucking open minded, especially in 2019 when everyone was supposedly sexually fluid, but why the actual fuck would a dude who was on a straight dating site, chatting up a woman, tell me he’d been with a man?

Image credit: Giphy

Not knowing what to say to his truth bomb and also, because I didn’t want to come across as freaked out or judgemental, I didn’t reply for an hour while I caught up on one of my favourite series, Empire.

A message arrived an hour later…

Warren: “I hope I didn’t upset you

Me, trying to act nonchalant about it: “Nah, I was busy catching up on series.”

Warren: “So… you don’t want to talk about it?”

Me, wondering where the fuck this was going:

“Look, you chose to share your story so whatever you’re comfortable with, is up to you”

Warren: “Oh, so you want details … LOL.”

Ok, mother fucker, no! This is where I draw the fucking line.

Image credit: Giphy

Look, I am as accepting of all sexualities, all personalities etc as the next girl but jackass, there is NO world where I need to hear the details of the sex the person I am interested in, had with someone else! NONE!

Just to prove to myself I wasn’t being a bigot and this guy was in fact stepping over the fucking line of online dating etiquette , I gave some thought to the fact that had I been a lesbian and the woman I was chatting to , wanted to tell me the details of her first experience with a man, how would I have reacted? And you know what? I’d probably have said EXACTLY what I said to Gay-for-the-Weekend Warren:

“No, thank you. That’s private and should remain between the two of you.”

Silence from Warren and then, do you know what the mother fucker did?

He unmatched me!

Image credit: Giphy

Listen, the trash took itself out, thank the fucking Gods, but still! Why did online dating have to be so fucking hard?!

Urgh… NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: The One with The Bumble Stumbler

Kids, in the Autumn of 2019 I had promised your Spirit Mom Leo that I would get my beautiful ass off of Tinder and focus on IRL (in real life) dating.

But…

What I didn’t tell her was that I was still on Bumble. I know:

Image credit: Giphy

I knew she was going to kick my ass when she read this post . Literally – she was earning all of her belts in karate at this very moment in time, so :

Image credit: Tenor

So, it’s entirely likely I wasn’t going to gain any sympathy for what happened next…

Bumble Stumbler the short story:

Sean, an American engineer with a passion for travelling, and I swiped right on each other and he quickly caught me up on what a busy weekend he’d had with a friend’s wedding, going on a safari and hanging out with friends. Not that he bothered to ask me what I’d been up to… men, such selfish creatures!

Ignoring the red flags, I went onto ask him what his must-see Cape Town bucket list items were. He launched into a detailed itinerary of his visit to the Kruger National Park, his week in Hermanus and Greyton and how, almost on his way to Namibia, he decided to rent an AirBnB and stay in Mouille Point.

Me, trying to pretend like I’m totally fascinated by what an amazing traveller and storyteller he is:

Eventually,Sean hit me with the” So,if you were interested in a face to face meet with me halfway between you and I, when and where would that be?”

Me, thinking a casual meet-up couldn’t hurt: “Well, I run along the Promenade quite often and there are pleny of cool places around there. I’m free Saturday afternoon, if you are?”

Now, I don’t know what the fuck it is with guys, but the minute you call them out on their bluff and show interest in them too, they do shit like this:

“i really don’t know if I will be … I am at if you come to a fork in the road, take it status right now.”

I looked at my screen and went:

Correct me if I’m wrong here, but this motherfucker had asked me to meet up, right? Why the fuck was he now giving even poor Yoda a fucking headache with his estoric bullshit?!

Boy…

Doofus Deluxe’s explanation:

“I have no plan, and if something comes up, I may do that…Conflicted about going to Namibia or just exploring here, is all I’m saying.”

Listen…

Fuck it …NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: I AM NOT YOUR TOURIST GUIDE, I AM YOUR DAMN DATE! PT2

Kids, in the winter of 2018, I decided to give online dating one more shot (yes, I know, how many f***ing times have you heard that one before?) with the Bumble app.

bumble dating app
Image credit: Getty

This one, unlike the others, gave women the option of making the first move without any shame – as in, in order for a guy to have a conversation with you, you had to swipe right and if you matched, send the first text.

I liked the power that gave me – I didn’t have to be chosen by anyone, I did the choosing.

Sigh…

I should have learnt by then that anytime something looks like it’s too good to be true, it usually is.

Meet Mr Comedy Central NYC:

Dan the Man was in Cape Town as an international comedian from New York, the city of my heart,   breaking into the Mother City comedy scene.

A swipe right and a funny quip from him ensued:

“Connecting is the hardest part of this app. Thanks for swiping on my face.The pace on this app is atrocious.”

Giggles and enquiries about what he was enjoying most about my fair Cape Town followed before he struck out with this:

“I’m running out of time. I’d like to go to the Cape of Good Hope tomorrow or Sunday. Are you interested? Do you drive?”

Image credit: Tumblr

Dude, we literally just “met” and you already want to go to an attraction that is 90 minutes out of my way with no reception and looking for a ride for our first date? in an age where women get killed in derserted places all of the damn time?

Are you f***ing kidding me?!

I am not your bloody tour guide!

I could practically hear my mother shout at me to not let a potential date get away so I reined my inner feminist in and regretfully told him that I couldn’t make it to Cape Point but how about ice cream along the Sea Point promenade instead?

He shut me down with a “Well, I’ll be at Cape Point then, won’t I?”

I was just about to hit reply as I read his message whilst at a magic show, when, and I f***ing kid you not, I looked up from my phone and who was standing less than 5 metres away from me?

Dan the f***ing man!

why does this keep happening to me
Image credit: Whisper

Of course … of course this bloody shit happens to me because the dating gods, the Universe  and the world hated me!

I gasped out loud and filled my friend Tania in what was currently happening on my phone and right infront of us, showing her Dan’s profile photo and subtly looking his way.

Dan did a double take when he saw me and then spent the rest of the evening pretending not to look my way but regaling his mates with tales of online dating, which Tania overheard.

I know, I know, I could have gone over and said Hi but the man had rejected me online and looked like he may do it in person too …my bruised ego could only handle so much.

Also, he totally could have come over too – there were ample opportunities to do so, especially when Tania and I got drawn into a circle of spectators with Dan to watch the magician perform some close-up tricks.

Ain’t nobody got time for international user losers… F*** it! NEXT!