Tag Archives: bad online dating

How I Met Your Father: online dating horror stories from my friends

Kids, it’s easy to assume that I’m being over-dramatic about my online dating horror stories …I’ll admit, I do have a talent for telling stories.

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Image credit: http://www.theodysseyonline.com

But…

When checking in with my female friends during 2018, I discovered that mine were not the only tales of the good, the bad and the downright ugly.

Here are two such cases…

Mr Run and Bang

Glo met *Kevin* on Tinder in March 2018 and they hit it off right away because they both had a passion for soccer,staying fit and wine.

A few flirty texts later and wanting to see if their rapport would carry over in real life, Glo invited Kevin along to join her on her usual Wednesday 5km run along the Sea Point Promenade.

Even though he was more of a Crossfit fanatic, he readily agreed to the date.

As Glo tells it, the run itself was great -Kevin was fun, friendly and interacted with her and her running group in a charming manner.

After the run was over, they bid their farewells and went their separate ways.

Later that night, he sent her a text, demanding to know why she hadn’t invited him back to her place for sex.

Wait…what?!

How did a first date, one that involved running with other people no less, imply that there would be sex at the end of it and why, in the holy f*** did this guy assume it would?

More importantly, did he just feign interest in her likes and over-eagerly agree to a running date because he expected to get laid after?

anthony hopkins
Image caption: imgflip

F***ing men!

Mr Sexpool

Same month, different jackass. A year after T had broken up with 40-year-old serial cheater. *Gerald* , and he’d subsequently hooked up with a 27-year-old, she got a call from a concerned “friend”, wanting to meet with her to discuss something disturbing about her cheating ex.

What he told her STILL makes my skin crawl…

Turns out that Gerald and his fellow 40-something year old friends were running a WhatsApp “”who can bang the youngest chick” betting pool, exchanging photos and sordid tales of their younger conquests.

What’s more, they then proudly displayed their catches for all to see on their fridges, like f***ing hunters!

Are you f***ing kidding me?!!!

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In this day and age and in Cape Town? How can something that sounds like the plot of a horrible 90s comedy actually be real?!

There was no hope for mankind… NONE!

How I Met Your Father: The one where I got catfished again!

Kids, the Autumn of 2018 was SO not a great online dating period for me… not only did I get unsolicited nudes but I also got catfished AGAIN!

To add insult to injury, in the space of a few days, it happened not just once, but f***ing twice!

It felt like the love gods hated me:

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I’m getting ahead of myself… let me tell you about the two jerkfaces who lied to me…

Mr Big Fat Liar New Yorker…

Richard (37), from Manhattan, New York (my favourite city) and I had “met” on OkCupid a year ago and his Italian looking good looks, along with a quirky sense of humour, had me eager to continue the conversation offline – or at least on Hangouts, since he didn’t have WhatsApp.

We exchanged photos, naturally, and when I initially questioned the almost too-polished look of his, he said he’d done a professional photo shoot recently and wanted to share them with me.

I let sleeping dogs lie and we continued to chat.

After a year of texting, sexting (something I had NEVER done with anyone until that point) and a promise that if we are ever in each other’s cities, we’d get together, we were about to have another “adult” chat when I stopped it short and asked for an updated image of him.

Richard: “Why now? Don’t you trust me? LOL”

Me: “No, actually, I don’t… your last few bottom pics don’t seem to match your profile photo.”

Richard: “Haha… you caught me! Let’s just say they don’t match because I didn’t think my real looks were worthy of you””

Wait… what?!

I’d opened up electronically and intimately to someone who looked nothing like what he said he did and he was being flippant about it?!

I voiced my hurt, my concerns and my outrage that he would knowingly catfish me like that and his response was:

“Well, if you cannot accept me for what I really look like, then you’re shallow””

F***er no! You lied and deceived me and you wanna call me shallow?!

Time to block your lying, cheating ass, motherF***er!

aaaaand-now-youre-blocked

Mr I Love You Too Soon Changes Names…

After two months of silence from Clifford, he of the I Love You Soon declarations, and after I’d deleted Tinder, OkCupid and every online guy’s numbers from my contact list. I got this text:

“Hello my Princess. How are you today?”

I was confused AF as to who this could be because the number was unsaved so the following exchange occurred:

Me: “I’m sorry… who is this?”

Him: “Oh wow! You don’t remember me? It’s Charles.”

Now I was even more confused because I definitely had never chatted to a Charles and wasn’t in the mood for games.

Me: “Charles who?”

Him: “Oh, sorry… I forgot I didn’t use that name when chatting to you before. It’s Clifford”

F*** a f***ing zombie! Why the f*** do men lie like this?!

Aside from his super irritating pre-mature declarations of love and calling me Baby, he had also lied to me for four months about his name?! Are you f***ing kidding me?!

I took him to task about lying and he turned around and said I was a hateful person.

No, that was the last goddamn f***ing straw… I’d had it up to here with men online!

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Image credit: me.me

How I Met Your Father: The one with the unasked for nudes

Kids, in the Autumn of 2018, I was having a particularly shit time with online dating… the liars who catfished me and then blamed me for believing them I could deal with (more about that later).

It’s the goddamn asshole who sent me unasked for nude photos and then shamed me for being a “prude” that I couldn’t deal with.

No, motherf***ker, just NO!

Let me backtrack a little…

March 2018…

On a sunny Sunday in Cape Town, whilst waiting to watch The Greatest Showman at my favourite arts cinema The Labia, I started chatting to one Andrew Wild on OkCupid.

Conversation was flowing quite well, even if I had to steer it from becoming too sexual at times ( i.e. when I said I am free for brunch, he wanted to know what about dinner and  breakfast at his place instead… uh, no, Dude, not for a first date!).

When I called him out on it, he said he didn’t mean anything untoward by his comment.

“I’m here to get to know you and possibly build something real”, he assured me.

Great. so no f***boy behaviour anymore, right?

Yeah, right…

Over the next four days, texts about movies, comics, work etc flowed back and forth until…

Thursday…

Andrew complimented me on my tasteful black and white swimsuit Whatsapp profile photo.

I thanked him but ignored him when he said he hoped to see more… again, Brother Man, what I post for my own self image is not an invitation for you to be leery.

Trying to remain positive, I asked Andrew to send me a photo to help me recognise him on our upcoming brunch date.

He promised to send a few when he got home ( this right here should have been my warning of things to come!).

A few hours later he sent… nudes.

What the actual f***, Bro?!

Image credit: Meme Generator

It would be one thing if I had asked for naked photos and he actually had a body to be proud of, but I did not ask for them and what they showed left a lot to be desired…

As your wonderful Aunt Yoli put it:

“Can we take a moment about how this entitled f***boi is sending you topless pics but has the body of a Pillsbury doughboy?”

I wished I’d sent him this:

Image credit: Awww.memes.com

Instead, when I dared to tell Andrew that not only were his naked photos unnecessary but also inappropriate to send to a stranger, he responded:

“I wanted you to see all of me. They were not nudes. If you think a man who sends a photos of himself without his shit on is disrespectful, then you have issues..Jesus, if I had known what a prude you are,I would never have started chatting to you!Your loss, chick””

Excuse me? In the era of the #MeToo movement, I ,as a woman, have the full f***ing right to speak up and out when I am being accosted by unwanted photos.

To voice this right is not being prudish… F*** you!

I blocked Andrew’s non-appealing ass so fast and reported him to every dating site. Take that, Pillsbury Doughboy!

How I Met Your Father: the one with the fetish guy

Kids, after the Kevin Hart lookalike who caught feelings because of my amazing “Indian Malay” looks in 2017, I thought I’d put the Fetishism shit behind me.

Sigh…

2018 brought with it Mr I am a low-key racist and freak on Tinder.

Meet Steve,30, a brunette and newly returned to Cape Town from London. A Saturday morning of back and forth texting unfolded as below and nearly caused me to chuck up my well-earned post-fast walk breakfast:

Him: “So, I must be honest. I’ve been away for 10 years and I have no non-white friends left”

Me (confused because up to this point we’d merely been exchanging pleasantries and race hadn’t even been a topic): “Uhm, ok, but what has that got to do with anything?”

He sent a LOL which immediately annoyed me because WTF,Dude? A) race is no laughing matter and B) why bring it up in an otherwise normal conversation with a woman you may or may not want to date?

I ignored him and tried to steer the conversation into more acceptable topics with the help of my tried and tested 20 questions list.

The problem is that creeps always boomerang to their default settings:

creep

Steve followed up his earlier racial blunder with this charming (NOT!) one liner:

“I have to say I am into the natural tanned look and you fit the bill ;)”

Uhm, no Motherf***er, NO!

My friends and family circle is all kinds of mixed – I love every single colour in the f***ing wonderful rainbow that the world has to offer and I will be Gods-damned before I let anyone objectify me simply because of the colour of my skin and my mixed heritage.

Men like this asshole assume that women of colour are sluttier and more likely to put out and think that saying so in a round-about way is going to get them laid sooner…

Newsflash, Doos, I am not and you won’t.

To quote the wonderful Clive Owen:

The sad thing is that this racial fetishism is apparently the norm.

I loved my brown skin the way the amazing India Arie taught me to and that was what I chose to focus on:

F*** it! NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: hitting the pause button on finding your dad pt 2

Kids, as my birthday month loomed in 2017, I decided it was time to hit the pause button on finding your Dad again…

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Image credit:

See, 2017 had been one f***ing hellish year of online dating for me and I was broken,tired and just plain done.

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Image credit: Quickmeme

I wanted you more than my own soul but the sheer effort it was taking to meet a mostly decent, straight, emotionally and financially stable, quirky, interesting, well traveled and good man was killing me.

Just reviewing my top horrible online dating experiences of 2017 was nearly, but not quite enough, to put me off men forever:

  1. The Oversharer 2 who not only initially tried and succeeded at putting me off with his neediness but then had the f***ing audacity to bodyshame me six months later. Asshole!
  2. The Bad and the Ugly online daters who were either propositioning me for a three way or repeatedly asking for nudes when I had already said hell to the no!
  3. The Perfect Online Guy who got away and left me longing for a Drogo and Khaleesi fairytale ending that would never be.
  4.  The Non-Date boy who, after making us go Dutch, said goodbye to me with a wave… and I bloody wore stockings and dress for this one!
  5. The DM Slider asswipe who wanted a back massage three messages in.
  6. The Ankle Interruptus Lothario who vanished without a trace when I tore my ligaments trying to get to him. Also, thanks for nothing, Jerk, my budding running career had been put on hold because of my date sustained injury.
  7. The cat-fisher who not only lied about his looks but was a borderline stalker too.
  8. The wanna-be Christian Grey who wanted to be dominated. Uhm, hard pass, thanks!
  9. The fool who stood me up. My ego and heart took a long time to get over this one.

While November 16 was my Name Day, I decided spending the entire month of November dateless and offline would be my gift to myself.

Even Cupid knows when he has f***ed up one too many times.

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Image credit: http://www.wp.com

 

How I Met Your Father: The Stand You Up Guy 2

Kids, on a cold Spring Saturday evening in Cape Town in 2017, I found myself waiting in gale force winds for yet another no-show online date.

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Image credit: http://www.livehdwallpaper.com

Joe (31) , a lawyer from Tinder, had aggressively pursued me online the week before and, after moving to Whatsapp, asked me out on a date.

Safe for work photo-exchanging occurred quickly:

Him: “Wow! You’re really attractive!”

Me: rolls my eyes but blushes because: “Awwww”

During the course of our conversations, he revealed that not only was his name Yusuf (already a red flag for me because as you guys know, my type was most definitely more the blue-eyed, agnostic, tall and handsome kind); he’d unknowingly had an affair with a married woman (another red flag for me since infidelity is a major trigger point) and he was looking for friendship fun (his definition of going on dates and kissing… right, brother man, that’s swell but I date with a capital D).

I know, I know… why the f*** did I agree to go on a date with someone who was obviously so wrong from the get-go?

Well, because after Brazil and Argentina, I’d rediscovered my sensuality and wanted to test it out on the male species. Also, I hadn’t been on a date since the catfishing episode. A girl has to get back on the dating horse sometime and Joe , though flawed, seemed like a good practice buddy.

Sigh…

After confirming the day before with messages in which he genuinely seemed excited for our date, I spent the afternoon taking in the Cape Town Buskers Festival at the V&A Waterfront before meandering down to the Green Point Lighthouse.

Our date was supposed to be a walk along the Promenade before getting ice-cream.

I arrived 10 minutes early and texted Joe to let him know I was waiting just beneath the lighthouse.

10 minutes after our agreed time, I called and left a voicemail…

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

And still the wind blew with a mighty force. I began making alternative plans, thinking we could move to Caffe Neo across the road and still admire the sunset while getting to know each other.

20 minutes and another text….

30 minutes later and I realised that this f***ing coward wasn’t going to show at all. I’d been stood up AGAIN!

Look, we all get nervous about meeting new people but what grated my tits was that he didn’t have the f***ing decency to call or text and say he wasn’t coming.

You know things were bad when my Uber driver had the grace to let me know he was running late to collect me but my goddamned date did not.

Women were screwed because 21st century men had no f***ing manners! It was unacceptable!

After sharing my shame at being stood-up with your Spirit Mom, Uncle T and aunts Yoli and Lutfia, I went home and cried.

stood up on date
Image credit: Quickmeme

I cried because dating was hard, Kids. Putting myself out there, time after time, only to be catfished, rejected, stood-up, felt-up inappropriately, time after f***ing time by cowards was demoralizing and for what?

So that I didn’t have to listen to family and smug marrieds ask me why I was still single? To have to nod politely at their god-awful comments on my life, attractiveness ,personality and being too damn fussy?

I was tired. Defeated. Done.

 

How I Met Your Father: the one where I got catfished

Kids, in the winter of 2017, I was dipping my toe back into the online dating pool after the disastrous ankle-interruptus incident when I “e-met” haagen_dazsmania on OkCupid.

From his profile photo, he looked like a South African version of the red headed Montague cousin in Romeo& Juliet:

benvolio red head
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Red heads weren’t my usual type, unless you count Tom Hiddleston (and Hello Love, who wouldn’t want a piece of that?!), but I was trying to date outside of my comfort zone so I entertained haagen_dazmania and his many, many messages online.

Image credit: http://www.twimg.com

A cheese producer, my new suitor was into books, fantasy series, chocolate, cats, shopping with his sister, big romantic gestures ( asking me at one point how I’d feel about a massive chocolate bouquet delivery at work) and leaving me rhyming couplets via voice notes daily ( his voice sounded sexy so I was really looking forward to seeing the face behind it).

After a week we moved onto text messaging and phone calls. I was initially annoyed because he seemed to need a lot of attention and you guys know how I felt about selective social interaction. Texting me incessantly throughout the working day and up until after 11pm at night was NOT the way to winning my heart.

Fast forward to our first date and after my initial reservations, I was excited about getting ready for the date, Whatsapping photos of my outfit to your Spirit Mom and Uncle Tendai.

I didn’t have too many butterflies floating around in my tummy whilst waiting for haagen_dazsmania to arrive at the Stacked Diner in Tamboerskloof but I was pleasantly nervous.

This could be the start of something new – I felt like a High School Musical cast member:

Sigh…

When will I ever learn that online dating is a pitfall of liars and crooks?!

The man who showed up for our date was at least 10 years older than his profile photo , overweight and way shorter than he’d indicated online!

catfishing
Image credit: http://www.ebaumsworld.com

I was not so shallow as to judge men on their looks (ok, who am I kidding? My dreams were filled with a naked Alexander Skarsgard!) but haagen_dazmania was balding, wearing a peak cap, his shirt buttons were about to pop and his teeth needed a whitening badly.

This was not someone I could envision sharing a bed with, never mind cursing you, my future babies, to share a genetic pool with.

His appearance, coupled with his need to text me while I was in the ladies for two minutes and his critique of my looks and personality made me want to dash and run at the speed of light like a female The Flash:

running like the flash
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

But, because I had promised myself I was going to give guys more than one date to impress me, I sat through two hours of him talking about himself; making shocking comments on the state of the security in South Africa;his friends’ wealth and emigration plans; how I seemed to be very busy and how could I possibly balance my extensive love of movies and books with my constant socializing.

The entire time, he was reviewing my looks ( “Nice dress, it really compliments your brown complexion” – are you f***ing kidding me?!); my expressions and eyes ( “You have a smirk on your face , is that how you usually look?” and “Your eyes are really brown. I’m sorry, I am totally mesmerized by them” and my personality ( “You’re hot and scary and so direct about what you want”).

The final straw for me was his views on how travel and children just took too much effort and were expensive undertakings. I’d been very upfront online and in person that seeing the world and having you were my top priorities. These were non-negotiables and I needed a partner who not only wanted these things, but was passionate about making them happen.

After politely ending the date on the pretext of collecting your Spirit brother and sister in Hout Bay ( I didn’t have to get them), I left in a hurry.

Which didn’t stop him from trying to call me and sending needy texts about how he was worried he’d scared me off. Dude, learn when to back the f*** off!

cat fish online dating
Image credit: http://www.potentash.com

A few days and another goddamn 11pm text later, I released him back into the online wild. Go well, Sir, and cat-fish someone else with your old photos.

F*** it! NEXT!

 

 

 

 

How I Met Your Father: the one with rude online daters

Kids, you remember The Oversharer 2, right? Mr I have no confidence, I am broke and I still live at home with my mommy and daddy? Well, in the winter of 2017, he also became a rude online dater which provoked my inner Daenerys Targaryen.

Khaleesi burns Khals
Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

He made me so angry I wanted to burn down his house, Khaleesi style… but I am getting ahead of myself.

The fool must have been suffering from some kind of convenient amnesia because he slid into my DMs with a “Hey! How you doing?”

Remembering how unbelievably needy he’d been before and that he did not seem to be a good match, I replied with a curt “Not interested”.

To which he quickly replied:

“It was mistake, you fat bitch!”

Wait, what?!!!

Are you f***ing kidding me? This neurotic, Failure to Launch type asshole who was the last person to talk about looks considering what he looked like, was body shaming my curvaceous, beautiful self? Oh f***k no!

As the iconic Bette Midler once sang, “I’m Beautiful, dammit!”

How is it that guys think they shit ice cream and are above being rejected so they turn abusive? Not on my watch, they don’t!

No one disrespects me like that and lives to tell the tale:

don't disrespect me like that
Image credit: http://www.memeshappen.com

I blocked and deleted him with a long email written to OkCupid to complain and ban him too.

F***it! NEXT!

 

How I Met Your Father: the pervert shutdown

Kids, after my ankle-interruptus date with Hellrider83, my ego was hurting more than ever and, whilst I  wasn’t actively looking for my next date online, I wasn’t not looking either…

Enter michealallthetime, a 31-year-old account manager for petrol giant Engen from Goodwood, on OkCupid.

Great start but Mister doesn’t even have a profile pic of himself, just a wide shot of the beach – red flag number 1.

Within two messages of not introducing himself as it were, he’s asking if he can be really honest and forward with me…

Since your momma wasn’t born yesterday, I could see that this was a prelude for being sexually inappropriate but to mess with this idiot, I was like “Sure, but how about you start by telling me your name?”

Sigh…

I swear it’s like giving a bull the go ahead with a red scarf, the way the Spaniards do in bullfights.

Off he goes with the name details and then hits me with:

“I’m in the mood to be super naughty. I’m looking for a girl for long term too but for now, I wanna get dirty.”

Sweet Mother of God… why, WHY did I seem to attract these horny fools?!

Fed up with the sheer audacity of some jackass who was too ashamed of being online to post a real profile pic but seemed to think it was perfectly OK to make me feel like a digital whore, I needed to school this fool and school him hard.

I channelled my inner Beyoncé and levelled his stupid ass with this:

“Look, Son, good on you that you want to be dirty and all but, as per my profile, I am a grown ass woman who dates. If that’s not your deal, and clearly since you’re hiding behind silly pics, it isn’t … get stepping right now.”

To the left, please, and stay there!

Brother man got the hint and there was radio silence forever after.

F*** it! NEXT!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: Say hello to my little block button friend

oprah blocked
Image credit: http://www.okmzansi.co.za

Kids, in the autumn of 2017 I was MORE than ready to treat myself to another dating pause because gods be damned, pickings for suitable men were drier than the Sahara.

Nightly chats with your Auntie Yoli reassured me that I wasn’t the only one experiencing this phenomenon but nevertheless, in the interest of educating and certainly entertaining you, here are two occassions when I became well acquainted with the ol’ block button:

April 2017…

Whilst watching your Spirit Brother take his well earned turn on the cosplaying stage at the FanCon masquerade, I was joined by what on the surface seemed like a cute photographer named Cole *** ( name changed to protect the idiot’s identity).

It started out with that most perfect of rom-coms lines: “Is this seat taken?”

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Image credit: http://www.wordpress.com

I was sure that finally, FINALLY my luck had turned and your Spirit Mom was right, I was meeting my Superman at a comic book convention. Here was someone who took an interest in me, my geekiness and was quite keen to get to know me.

Sigh…

While Cole initially charmed me with how uber excited he was to be there and cooing over the cute kids dressed in costume, he quickly disgraced himself in my eyes.

Not only did he quickly fill me in on the politics of comic book convention photography and the perverts that take models’numbers and details to stalk them with, but he then kept yelling sexist and inappropriate cat calls at the Masquerade MC ( and I quote : “OMG, you’re so hot…DO ME already!).

I shit you not.

As I hurriedly whisked your Spirit Brother off the stage and away, Cole yelled out to me:

“Invite me on Facebook!”

Hells to the f*** no! BLOCKED!

May 2017…

Another month, another comic book doos who thinks he has superhero player powers…

With two busy months of magic PR and mountain socials ahead of me, I was adamant about taking a break from dating… then Mo*** (again, for his own safety, let’s give him a different identity) slid into my Instagram DMs, as the cool kids (obviously not me!) would say.

slideintoyourdms
Image caption: Quickmeme

This too-cool-for-school jackass managed to get in a couple of half-assed messages asking about my TV series, movies and comic book interests before throwing the “Come and give me a back massage” line at me.

What the actual f***?

We, and I stress this again, were not having a sexual conversation of any nature.

In fact, he hadn’t even made any mention of trying to chat me up, up until this point. I thought we were just having a general “Hey, we’re comic book geeks together” conversation so where, in all of Krypton, did this idiot get the idea that I wanted to be his masseuse or call girl?

Gods…

I want to say I blocked him after that but sadly, when I didn’t respond to his request, he sent me another message a few days later, asking me to come and nurse him back to health because he had the flu.

blocked
Image credit: Pinterest

F**k that shit… Block button, come to me, Baby!