Tag Archives: Alexander Skarsgard

How I Met Your Father: Cape Town’s Bridget Jones strikes again!

“First date and you’ve sprained your ankle, huh? Tough break, my dear.At least he’s sticking around for now… maybe this will lead to better things”

This, Kids, is what Sharon the mystic healer was saying to me as she tried to infuse healing energy into my bruised ankle, whilst simultaneously trying to reassure me that my first date with Hellrider83 was not as disastrous as I thought it was.

She lied… it was!

In a spectacular imitation of my literary and cinematic heroine, Bridget Jones, I had managed to sustain a horrible ankle injury by slipping on the wet ground outside of Cavendish Square, on a busy Saturday morning with hundreds of witnesses.

bridget jones falling ski
Image credit: Pinterest

Under any circumstances, this would have been embarrassing but , because this is my life and the Universe loves f***ing with me, this also just happened literally moments before I was to meet my latest OkCupid hottie for our first date.

Kill.Me.Now

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Image credit: http://www.teen,com

As Sharon so sweetly tried to smooth down my billowing dress ( remind me NEVER to wear that ill-fated polka dot dress to another date!) so onlookers would not see my multiple tummy tuck-in tights and the security guards called for the first aiders, Hellrider83 came to find me.

Cue the awkward “So sorry about this. Could we possibly reschedule our first date?” conversation, with Sharon and co listening in.

Seriously…ground swallow me whole!

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Image credit: Meme Generator

To his credit, Hellrider83 stuck around for the mucho embarrassing wheelchair ride through the mall and even offered to go with me to the nurse at Dischem to have my ankle wrapped but he looked hellavu relieved when I told him to go , I’d be fine and I would text him.

Which I did, and apologized profusely for my Joneseque behaviour and ….not a peep out of him. Nada, zilch, zero after three days. I’d been dumped, again, before even being dated.

F*** it! NEXT!

I wouldn’t mind, really, but by then, EVERYONE in Cavendish Square knew that this poor girl twisted her ankle whilst on a first date… the pity looks, the “Shame, my dear!” comments while trying to stop their tears of laughter running down their cheeks, were not doing my fragile ego any favours.

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Why did the dating gods hate me so much?!!!

 

 

How I Met Your Father: The art of not giving a f*** – because they’re finite

Dearest Godkids, the year was 2017 and believe it or not, your fave uncle Leon had just turned 29 for the third time.

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Image credit: http://www.markmanson.net

Kids, by the time you read this, you will probably be 30. After navigating the perilous waters of your twenties and going through multiple quarter-life crises you (having not been raised by me) would have come to learn a few hard truths.

As your mom’s year of being dirty thirty had come to an end I thought I would weigh in on what to expect when you wake up after your big 30th with a dry mouth, a sore head and sans underwear to the horrible realization that alcohol poisoning was not one of the gifts you received.

A lot of things happened in my 30th year, but two major life changing events led me to become a better person, or rather, someone who knew where they are going and what they are doing with their lives.  

 Our 20s were spent stalking, kissing boys (and girls) and generally discovering who we were. So what have I learnt? 

 Don’t be afraid of change 

 Sometimes things happen that are out of your control and that’s okay. Put your control freak tendencies aside and accept it. The more you resist the greater your chances of not succeeding. If it seems that bad, identify why you think that and provide solutions not problems.

 They say the only constant is change.

 Love always don’t come easy but nothing does. 

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Kiss a lot of frogs and don’t be ashamed about it. Finding that mythical “the one” is a load of hogwash despite what your mom would have you believe. Find that one for now, whether it be 3 months, 3 years or 30 years. Your time will come.  And if it doesn’t, then fuck it. Next!

Career change

As clichéd as it sounds do your best to do something you love or have a great passion for. Or that pays you a truckload of money.  

Waking up every day miserable and becoming physically ill at the thought of going in to work is never a pleasant experience. Don’t be afraid to risk it and just up and quit. Having a back up plan helps but sometimes you go wherever life may lead you.

It may not always be easy but you won’t be able to say you didn’t learn something along the way.

Go on adventures

Lots of adventures. It can be slut night out discovering the city like you haven’t before, a weekend stalking mission pretty much like how your mom first encountered your dad or just deciding to save up and travel the world. Alone. But do not ever be afraid to live your life on your own terms.

Appreciate your friends, loyalty is important 

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Your mom and I have been friends since forever. Trust and loyalty is key. Pretty boys and girls will come and go but your friends are always the ones to help pick up the pieces. Surround yourself with people who “get” you. Who forgive your flaws and imperfections and celebrate your successes.

Be healthy, take care of yourself.

You can’t have fun if you’re constantly feeling like death warmed up. Start your heavy drinking early so your liver knows how to deal with alcohol. Stay away from substances that require more than just blowing smoke.

Drink water, eat carbs  and try to exercise at least once every six months.

Just be you.

You is special, you is smart, you is kind.

Or something like that.

Don’t be afraid. Remember your fucks are finite so don’t go handing them out all willy nilly. You’re my godkids so of course you are awesome. Remember that.

 

How I Met Your Father: 5 things running taught me about dating

Kids, by the spring of 2016, I had been a novice runner for a year and a bit, competing in several racing events ,including the Old Mutual Two Oceans Marathon and the Gun Run.

I was having tons of fun blogging about my transformation from couch potato to relatively fit runner and to my surprise, running helped me get a new perspective on my love life (or lack thereof).

Here are five things running taught me about dating:

  1. Just do it:

Procrastination might very well be my middle name because I was always putting off going for a run, in the same way I put off going on dates.

Whether I was hurriedly slipping into running trainers or high heeled boots, I always found that once I committed to the act of running or dating and actually did it, I felt much better afterwards.

To quote the most epic of philosophers, Nike:

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Image credit: http://www.pinterest.com
  1. Be patient:

No one runs and wins a half-marathon on their first go so what made me think I was going to meet The One immediately?

All good things come to those who train and dating was my training. I needed to give myself time and stick to a healthy regime of meeting new people at events I liked going to like Fan Con or Zombie Walk; online dating sites; parties; set-ups or speed dating hang-outs.

  1. Being nervous is ok:

Man, did I get butterflies in my tummy before every run and date! My heart would race a mile a minute, my palms would be sweaty and I would be thinking “Why the f*** am I doing this?!” every five minutes in the lead-up to the big event.

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Being nervous was ok, though, and helped me get excited about what lay ahead, both on the road and in love.

  1. When you fall down, get back up:

Getting my heart broken or being stood up hurt every bit as much as falling flat on my ample sized butt on the road but if I could motivate myself to get back up and run again, I could get back out into the dating scene again too.

Sure, every WTF online dating pick-up line or extremely bad date made me want to run for the hills (ha-ha, pun totally intended!) but I managed to shake it off and bounce back stronger than before.

  1. Having support is important:

Your Spirit Mom Leo was the one who set me on the path to running greatness by encouraging me to enter races, running some of them with me (and providing ample motivation in the form of naked Alexander Skarsgard, Matt Bomer and Henry Cavill photos …hee hee!) and providing a platform for me to document my progress with a monthly blog post.

Similarly, she and your Uncle Tendai listened to my crazy dating tales, tried setting me up on blind dates, were my wing people and told me some much needed motivational stories about their own love adventures.

No runner can do it alone and neither can a dater.  House of Wyrd, you rock my world!

Running may not have had me quite on Whitney Houston’s path to love:

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BUT it did get me out and about and on the road to happiness.

How I Met Your Father: 5 things I wish people would stop saying to singletons everywhere

Kids, by 2016, I had had it with everyone from my grandmother to the guy at my local Spar poking their noses into my solo status and forcing their unsolicited opinions onto me about why it was that I was still single.

Here are 5 things I wish those people (smug marrieds, otherwise attached and even fellow singles too) would stop saying to singletons:

You’re too picky:

I’m going to let Madea take care of this one for me:

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Let us be clear on one thing: I am NOT picky, I am selective – about who I spend time with and who I choose to be with. I am bloody amazing and I need my future partner to be of an equal standing to build a future with.

I will not settle for mediocre, boring AF men who have no ambition and interests, cannot support themselves or nurture and realise a family, just to make you feel better about me being single!

You’re just looking in all of the wrong places:

Oh, so that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all of this time?! Well, would you mind pointing me in the right direction there, Mr or Ms Know-It-All?

Because I am pretty sure I have looked f***ing EVERYWHERE – bars, bookstores, house parties, events, music concerts, meet-ups, blind dates, group hangouts, Tinder, OkCupid, Datingbuzz, speed dates, on international visits etc.

Every goddamn dating advice site or book tells singles to go to events and places that interest us and we’re bound to meet potential mates with similar interests.

Faz Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman seeks Steve Trevor or Superman!

Obviously I am the only comic book- reading, cosplaying, horror movie fanatic, musical-adoring, concert-going, pancake-addict, chocolate-devouring bookworm in the entire world or my soul mate lives on another planet.

Stop hating men so much:

Dear uneducated assholes …if you spent more than just five minutes of your sorry excuse of a life scrutinizing my singledom and how that reflects badly on you, you would see that I not only love men – I lust, crave, adore and want them in my life.

Exhibit A:

My undying, incurable, overwhelming desire to re-meet, mate with and marry this guy:

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

Exhibit B:

My frequent Beefcakes ‘visits, Magic Mike nights out and general flirting with everything that moves.

I may not always know when a guy is hitting on me but I sure as hell know how to put the moves on one when I feel like it. Like Christian Grey, my tastes in the opposite sex are very singular:

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Image credit: www.memecommunity.com

And for the love of the Seven, stop telling me that I might be a lesbian. I will admit that I tend to fall in love with a person’s heart and soul rather than their gender, but this blog isn’t called How I Met Your Father for nothing.

You’re still young – there is plenty of time to find The One:

In case you haven’t noticed, I turned 30 a year ago and my biological clock has been ticking off the f***ing hook since I was 12!

I know it’s irrational but I feel as though I don’t have the time or the luxury of waiting for Mr Wonderful to show up – my eggs are expiring at an exponential rate.

Then again, Janet Jackson is having a baby at 50 so …ok, I’ll let this one slide.

Just stop looking and he will turn up:

Let me explain this in terms you’ll understand: you know that one handbag/car/house/clothing item/piece of jewellery etc you simply cannot live without and that you HAVE to find?

Yeah, that’s how we singles feel about our potential significant other.

Telling me to stop looking, wanting, searching for and dreaming about him, whoever he may be, is bloody torture. The more you tell me to quit looking, the more I am going to pretend to do just that but still secretly sign onto useless dating sites ,wonder if that cute guy at the café was just being nice or was really into me or imagine that my best male friend has been in love with me for forever.

Just stop giving me false hope that someday my Prince Charming is going to show up when I least expect it.

 

How I Met Your Father: Online dating opening lines that make me go WTF?!

Kids, dating at the best of times is a minefield of awkward moments but online dating takes it to another level of “dear gods, why?!”

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Image credit: http://www.pinimg.com

Your poor spirit mom Leo and Uncle Tendai were privy to my almost daily assault of just what the actual f*** opening lines or messages from wanna-be suitors, like this one:

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Really?! Judging from my sweet profile pic where I am posing with our family fur kid Tigger, this guy thought I was into BDSM?

Sigh

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Image credit: http://www.giphy.com

I didn’t even bother responding because a) he was not the Swedish god I want (Alexander Skarsgard shall forever be my one and only) and b) idiots and perverts aren’t worth my precious time … F*** it, NEXT!