All posts by fazielahwilliams16

Creative writer with a penchant for all things Cape Town, theatre, magic and travel

How I Met Your Father: the one where i said yes and got s*** done!

7 September 2020, sometime in the middle of the godforsaken night…

“Oh God, I am never going to be able to leave this bed and walk again. I’ve been put on unpaid sick leave, my boss hates me and I am never going to walk again. I’ll never be able to finally resign and say fuck you to this energy sucking job. That means I’ll be broke, homeless, never travel again, never meet the father of my kids or ever have them. I’m nearly 35, trying to restart my life and I am going to die alone and really, what the fuck is the point of living anyway…”

Kids, the national lock down had seen me have a couple of breakdowns, most of which I shook off after a week and were helped by two hour- long phone calls with your aunt Lutfia, thousands of texts with your Wyrd godparents Leo and Tendai and your Nan’s epic cooking but fuck it, that endless night in September had me beat and was the first time in a very long time that I seriously considered just ending it all.

I scared myself.

I still don’t know how exactly I made it through the night but, to quote Two-Face:

I’d learnt from my previous depressive episodes: reaching out and letting the people who love you know you’re struggling and asking for help is the first step so that’s what I did. I told Leo and Tendai how bad it had gotten the night before and what was fucking me up big time.

A problem shared is a problem halved (or split in three in this case) and together, we worked on a plan on how to get me out of at least some of the shit I was in while I was on my six week forced unpaid sick leave.

Starting with …

A new job:

Gods, if I had to tell you the amount of jobs I applied for, the number of online interviews I attended and the hours and hours of freelance work pitches I did!

I hustled so hard in that month and a half at home and it paid off. Besides scoring a few freelance gigs and interviews in September and October and being reintroduced to my damn fine self (talking about my past achievements and career highlights really helped to remind me that I was incredible LONG before I’d become a mountain rock star and I was capable of everything and more that my nemesis had made me feel I was failing at); I clinched a really cool new role in a totally different sector.

I wasn’t going to be homeless or starve (at least not for another three months anyway) and if I was smart about it, I could travel again when the lock down and pandemic ended.

Speaking up for myself:

Even before securing a new gig, I was determined to resign from my current awe-inspiring role and not allow the bully, who had been making my life and injury recovery a living hell for 7 months, to dim my fucking light anymore. Enough was fucking enough!

But, oh, that sweet, sweet moment of justice, gratification and vengeance when I stopped her ,mid-rant about “the way things were going to work from now on” with my “I have a new job so I am resigning!” declaration…

The look on her face and the absolutely incredible feelings of relief, courage and closure flowing through my body were more than fucking worth it.

Saying yes:

While I had been slowly transforming into a female Howard Hughes in lock down and the injury had extended my couch life by a couple of months, I realised I did have to get out and about if I was going to socialize again. That meant saying yes to invitations from friends, occasionally venturing further than my backyard and agreeing to activities outside of my comfort zone.

2020 had forced everyone to hit the pause button on their lives but I was SO done waiting! Let’s do this, Baby!

How I Met Your Father: the one where I Got Over It

Kids, a year after Jet seemingly broke me with his rejection and I plunged into the deepest depression I’d ever known up to that point, I was finally over it. And him.

Sure, it had taken me longer than expected – between his overbearing stalking and constant need to force his way into my personal space for six months and my occasional breakdowns during the national lockdown – but finally, it happened. Much like this:

Image credit: Whisper

I’d run the gauntlet of emotions over 12 long months: being devastated, being numb, being so fucking angry I wanted to smash his stupid face every chance I got, being so sad I could feel my heart breaking, being mad again, being hopeful he’d changed his mind when he wouldn’t leave me alone, being pissed as fuck that he was still messing with my feelings, being annoyed, being indifferent, being raw with missing him etc until I just felt… nothing.

2020 was its own special kind of fucked up hell but October 2019 had taught me some very real, very horrible lessons about letting the thing you thought was killing you, break you and remould you into someone stronger.

I missed the carefree (or as much as I was able to be) girl who adored and was adored by a young, handsome, kind, funny, awkward young man as he appeared to be at the time. She was never coming back but here I was, a wizened woman ,born from the hours and hours of crying on my couch, from the long, dark sleepless nights and from the constant love and support of the people who truly loved me, and I was still standing.

To quote Cher:

Fuck it …NEXT!

How I Met Your Father: the one where 2020 took things to Jumanji levels of horrible

There I was, lying spread-eagled, legs in the air, searching for my underwear, panting hard and screaming the Good Lord’s name…

I know what you’re thinking but get your minds out of the goddamn (pun totally intended) gutter!

I’d recently torn my left ankle’s tendons and had realised, midway through trying to pull my pants over my ridiculously sexy ( NOT) moon boot, that I’d forgotten to slip my panties on first. To quote this lovely old broad:

Of all the ways I imagined exerting myself in my bedroom once the national lockdown levels had been lowered, this was not it.


Sigh…


And once again, 2020 was attempting to give Jumanji a run for its f***ing money. At this point, my New Year’s Eve was going to look like this:

With another two months of strict bed rest ahead of me ( yes, I’d painfully been granted my wish of not going outside just yet – the Big Guy has a sick sense of humour!), I would have more than enough time to make my life changing moves from my bedroom, which really is where all epic things start, right?!

How I Met Your Father: the one where I was ready to make some changes

Kids, in life, only three things are certain: death, taxes and change…

Problem was, I HATED change. Even for a water sign and as someone whose day job required a certain level of flexibility, I hated it.

Five months in lock down and a despairing sense that everyone’s lives were still moving along except mine, I realised I needed shit to change and fast.

It was time to put my big girl panties on and do something:

Image caption: Quickmeme.com

My Year of Yes plans for 2020 had included getting a new job, working remotely in Bali or Mexico ( those were replaced by my apartment but them’s apples!), taking care of my emotional and physical health and trying new things.

With five months left until the end of the year, there was still time to do some of those things. I was reminded of this platitude:

Image credit: BrainyQuote.com

How I Met Your Father: The One With The Weird #LOCKDOWNSA dreams

“Come, my love. Sit down and have this cup of tea I’ve made for you before we go to bed”, said Jason Momoa, my super hot husband and father of the two gorgeous children we’d spent the day playing with…

Image credit: Giphy

And then I woke up to the biting cold of a winter’s morning in the midst of South Africa’s national lock down. That’s right, my anxiety-ridden, over tired brain and subconscious were conspiring to give me a much-needed break from the #COVID19 reality and blessed me with this hunk as my dream life partner.

Image credit: Giphy

The dream had started off with me going at it in an all out Twitter war with Paul Rudd, who’d taken our DMs and made them public, declaring me public enemy number one. I kept replying with “Dude, I’ve loved you since Romeo+Juliet!”

Image credit: Gifer

Then, Robert Downey Jr came to my defence, taking on Paul, and fighting for my honour.

Eventually, I ended up with Jason.

Basically, I’d fought with Ant Man, got rescued by Iron Man and married and had beautiful babies with Aquaman.

As alternative life dreams go, this was a SUPER one 😉

How I Met Your Father: THE ONE WHERE I REMEMBERED THAT I AM A BAD ASS WOMAN!

Kids, in 2020, before and during the national lock down, I had people coming at me, trying to undermine me, sabotaging me and making me question myself and my abilities.

Where previously, I had no doubt I could rock socials for a major attraction, do a kick ass PR campaign in my sleep and write like it was my god-given talent, I now suddenly couldn’t write a single word without second guessing myself and forgot about the deep and long lasting relationships I’d built with media over the years.

I’d initially sought out help with my anxiety and confidence issues in March but the lock down had put a stop to that. Endless sleepless nights, tons of natural calming medication and a good helping of special “sandwiches” later, I realised something…

I am enough. I am more than capable and I am enough.

I knew both of my industries and how to do my jobs because I had done all of the work and research before. I’d had major career successes over the years – trending on social media and had front page, national and international PR coverage – because, I, Fazielah f***ing Williams, was and am a f***ing BADASS!

As I decided to ignore my haters and do me, I played Nathalie Emmanuel’s recital of Maya Angelou’s Still, I Rise over and over again:

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A few weeks ago @emilia_clarke invited me to take part in reading a poem from the @thepoetrypharmacy. I decided to dedicate it to the global fight against anti-black racism… and there really was only one appropriate poem in the book. I had several attempts of trying to record this. The first time it was when everything had just happened and I couldn’t really say it without crying being only full of rage and pain…. The next time, a neighbour somewhere was banging away building something 🤣…. The third attempt I just couldn’t get the bloody words right 😅 and then finally…. after some time letting Maya’s words marinate in my heart and a day filling up my soul with my family…. I was able to say it with, still some anger and pain, but also pride, joy and hope. I know it might feel like the world has gone back to “normal” now… people’s feeds have returned to regular programming…. but I feel like my process took me so long so it could be seen now…. when the media interest seems to have gone away…. but the fight hasn’t…. the fight goes on… because black lives STILL matter. Black lives have always mattered. Black lives will ALWAYS matter. Thank you Mama Maya for leaving us with your powerful and oh so needed words. Forgive my slow intro… but it’s hard to talk about this stuff man…. #blacklivesmatter #blacklivesstillmatter #blackliveshavealwaysmattered blackliveswillalwaysmatter #stillIrise #drmayaangelou #getoffournecks #kneeneck

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How I Met Your Father: the one where I wasn’t ready to go outside yet

Kids, in June 2020, the President of South Africa announced a further relaxing of the lock down restrictions which meant we could have sit-down meals at restaurants, go to cinemas, casinos and theatres and go back to work.

I had some feelings about this:

It’s true that being at home for three months ( but still working , even overworking at times) had turned me into a modern Howard Hughes:

Image credit: Make a Meme

From what I’d seen on my very few trips into the big outside world was that people weren’t wearing masks or not wearing them correctly and had NO concept of personal space, let alone the legal 1.5metres required for social distancing.

There was no f***ing way I was going back outside unless I absolutely f***ing had to,

I guess, what I’m saying is that in 30 years time when your kids wonder about my weird mannerisms, show them this:

How I Met Your Father: the one where it’s ok to let go

Kids, in the Autumn of 2020 and in the midst of the South African lock down, I was learning the age- old art of letting things go.

You could call me the Queen Elsa of Emotionland:

I’d learnt that when people choose to walk out of your life and leave you, let them. Pre- coronavirus me would have been utterly devastated by a guy ghosting me but PJs-wearing, Nutella-devouring, Disney sing along princess me was at peace with it.

In fact, one such non-starter romantic prospect went exactly that way…

At the end of October 2019, when I was in the middle of my severe depression, I made myself accept and go on a date with Rudy, a 31 year old restaurant manager I’d been chatting to on and off for most of the year.

Rudy had the unfortunate habit of ghosting me for months at a time and then sliding back into my DMs whenever I uploaded a new WhatsApp profile photo. Talk about being thirsty AF.

I decided to give him another chance because I had previously stopped talking to him when I decided to focus all of my romantic energy on jerk face Jet. Since that asshole was no longer a factor and I had to do something to feel anything beyond the panic attacks, insomnia and utter numbness of my broken heart, off to Canal Walk’s Primi Piatti I went.

Bar Rudy being an hour late, we actually had a great two and half hour long first date, chatting and getting to know in each other in real life. He was funny, sweet, kind and a little shy which helped because I was free to be the same.

Sure, his comments about his mother being low-key racist raised some red flags ( he’d sugarcoated it as “my mom’s very traditional and doesn’t mix well with other people”) which surely meant I wasn’t going to be taken home to meet her anytime soon.

Image credit: Giphy

Good, I didn’t want to meet her either.

He also seemed to be very work-focused – only having one day off a week and choosing to spend that day playing video games on the couch. I am all for catching up on your me-time but that didn’t leave much time to nurture a relationship, did it?

Having those two major points in the back of my mind, the date at least ended well, with him walking me out to my UBER, even indulging my must-visit to the Lego store.

Furious back and forth texting ensued with Rudy sweetly saying he so badly wanted to kiss me or at least hold my hand but was too shy to do so and that he’d really like to see me again. I agreed that a second date would be fun but then…

Following six weeks of “I’m working too much – let’s do this when I have time” and him ghosting me again after a lame, insincere birthday wish, I decided to write it off as a fun way to work through my heartbreak and be done with it.

February 2020 …

When Rudy showed back up online in February 2020 with a casual “Hey, how ya doing. It’s been a while?”, I got real with him, telling him I’d enjoyed our date but that three months of not talking was far too long and we were obviously on different paths so it was best to quit while we were ahead.

You’d think that it would be the end of it …

Image credit: Giphy

April 2020…

This wannabe motherf***ing player had the balls to slide back in my DMs at the start of the lock down, asking if I was mad at him and then begging me for another f***ing chance. He swore he’d be more attentive this time, communicate more and make it up to me with an incredible date when we were out of isolation again.

To stop him from doing this…

Image credit: Giphy

…I agreed to give it a final try. I warned him that if he lapsed into silence again, didn’t keep in touch and treated me like his lock down virtual booty call, I would block his ass.

I know, I know, what the actual f*** was I thinking?

Because, of course, after sending me a steady stream of good morning and good night texts and photos of himself I didn’t ask for ( why the f*** are guys so eager to send you photos of themselves all of the f***ing time?!) for a month, the doos ghosted me again.

That’s it!

As I promised, I blocked his sorry ass. If he wanted to leave, then so be it.

To quote the glorious Gloria Gaynor:

How I Met Your Father: the one where it was ok to not be productive during the #salockdown

Kids, by the beginning of May 2020 and six weeks of being safe indoors while COVID19 ravished the world, I was exhausted.

I was tired AF of all of the business Zoom calls, the family and friends’ WhatsApp video calls, the cesspool of garbage that was my Tinder inbox, the constant bombarding of social media posts encouraging fans and followers to bake banana bread, seize the day and live their best lives.

My instinctive response was:

I’d started to switch off my phone at night for some peace of mind (which, to be honest, wasn’t doing so great – the progress I’d made with going to therapy in early March was slipping away by the day the longer the lock down continued) but then I realised there must be other people who felt the way I did. The other outliers who did not, could not, muster up the f***ing energy to do anything more than survive.

After reading a few blogs on it, I accepted the idea that just getting through the worst crisis to hit my generation was more than f***ing OK:

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#tuesdaythoughts ❤

A post shared by Fazielah Williams (@fazielahwilliams) on

2020 would still be my Year of Yes but for the moment, it was OK to just be.

How I Met Your Father: the one with the wedding bells during #coronavirus

Kids, apart from my self-inflicted online dating time out, the #coronavirus had put a serious dampener on meeting your Dad.

Like any sometimes good girl raised on fairytales, I turned to my favourite for some inspiration:

Image supplied

Since I’d exhausted my supply of rom coms, I was turning to social media for some romantic inspiration.

The Internet did not disappoint … dearly beloveds, we are gathered here today to witness filmmaker Dan Mace ‘s incredible lockdown wedding with his fiance Gabi Esterhuizen and their cardboard guests: