How I Met Your Father: top comebacks for those annoying festive season “why are you still single” questions

Kids, it was once again the most wonderful time of the year – when nosy and rude relatives, friends and strangers were getting all up in my business about being single and I had to resist the urge to strangle them with wire, dismember them in my Kill Room and shove their black bag stuffed bodies into the ocean.

Where’s Dexter when you need him, right?

Angry Michael C Hall GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY
Image caption: Giphy

You would think that because we were in the middle of 20WTF, a global pandemic, experiencing a second wave AND not having to attend any social gatherings, that I’d be spared the fucking singleton Spanish Inquisition about the dire state of my love life but alas…

I tried killing the rude assholes with sarcasm like:

But that just made them come back at me harder via social media and masked run-ins.

I could have shocked them all with the tale of my most recent WTF Tinder moment where Mr Over Confident in Las Vegas sent me a Whatsapp video I DID NOT FUCKING ASK FOR of him ejaculating (yes, REALLY!) but that would have caused some unnecessary heart attacks so…

Anyway, here are my top comebacks for those annoying festive “why are you still single?” questions:

  1. “My vibrator and I are in a committed relationship and he’s just not ready to bring a live third party into it”
  2. I have too many masked orgies to attend this season but let’s, uh, come back to this in the new year, ok?
  3. “Wait, your husband hasn’t discussed taking me as his second wife with you yet? Awkward.”
  4. I’m too busy putting the Hoe in “ho, ho, ho!” but thanks for asking.
  5. That’s so sweet, honey, but you’re just not my type.

Fuck it… NEXT!

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Creative writer with a penchant for all things Cape Town, theatre, magic and travel

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