How I Met Your Father: Why online dating brings all the crazies to the yard

Kids, unlike that siren of the noughties, Kelis, my milkshake did not, in fact, bring all the boys to the yard …

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Nay, in typical Bridget Jonesesque behaviour, I brought all the crazies to your Nan and Cape Town’s nether regions … wait, stop snickering, let me re-phrase that. I tended to bring forth the definitely unhinged to the shores of my home.

In January 2017, I hit the jackpot of crazy online daters: Mr Love Boat!

We swiped right on each other and in the space of a day and half had worked up quite the repartee.

A newly retired cruise barman, Mr Love Boat was a 39-year-old conversationalist who had docked permanently in Franschhoek. So far, so good.

Here was a man who was well-traveled (he spoke of unbelievable vistas in Portugal, regaled me with funny stories of patrons in Spain and seemed to have the travel bug as bad as I did). That he now lived with his parents was questionable but excusable because after working on the high seas for the better part of 15 years, he hadn’t needed a permanent residence before.

When he jokingly ( or so I assumed) told me about the few very drunk guests he had to get physical with on-board his ship, a warning light sounded in my mind but not enough to stop chatting to him.

I really needed to start listening to my inner voice of reason…

Sigh…

By Day Two, Mr Love Boat had a mild bullying tone going on, and refusing to express an interest in asking me any questions about myself, even though we’d spent most of our conversation talking about him.

As a lark, I asked him if he’d ever been arrested – it was one of my go-to 20 questions to ask a potential online date.

The following response gave me the chills all over:

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I am strongly opposed to gender violence of any kind and this, this right here was why I was willing to stay single for a good while longer… goddamn crazies, I tell you!

F*** it- NEXT!

 

 

 

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