How I Met Your Father: The one where 21st century dating lingo confused the crap out of me

Kids, as difficult as it was to find a man in 21st century Cape Town with its unavailable, confused and jerk non-potentials, navigating the dating lingo was on another level of insanity.

dating slang 1

The sheer volume of terms like hang-out, hook-up, non-date date, ghosted, bae (one which particularly made my ass twitch!) and their definitions boggled my mind. Do not even get me started on Netflix and chill ( no, I am not explaining that to you until you’re all 21 and even then, you may need your Uncle Tendai to do it!).

You remember my utter mortification when I discovered that Mr Overeager No 2 and I had very different definitions of what a coffee date was, right?

Well, let me tell you about the time I got into a heated debate about what a date was.

June 2016…

Yaneez was a 24-year-old Irish expat, who was doing his PhD in Electrical Engineering at UCT at the time. He didn’t fit my usual type but I was trying to date outside of my comfort zone so chatting with him didn’t seem too bad.

Sigh

Right off the bat, his poor use of grammar and spelling put me off somewhat. I get that being Irish, fangs for thanks and nefink for anything were par for the course for him but seriously, the use of kewl for cool and “you sound like you are very common to dates” , which basically implied I was a slut, grated on my nerves. I mean, even Darth Vader would take insult to that:

darth Vader

Still, I was determined to make the best of a slightly less than good situation so when he suggested meeting up, I agreed on the condition that he understood that I do dates – not hook-ups, not hang-outs and not meet-ups.

This, unfortunately is when I discovered that the youth of 2016 did not quite grasp the concept of dating:

Yaneez: “So when are we going on a date?”

Me: “I am free to meet for a drink or a bit to eat on Sunday.”

Yaneez: “So you paying for my Redbull coz I don’t drink. Let’s go out for drinks today”

Me: “Uh, no, dude. You ask a lady out, you pay. I am not available today- as I’ve told you I have plans”

At this point, the conversation quickly descended into a myriad of definitions and arguments which gave me little hope of it having a successful outcome.

Yaneez: “You meant to say I pay for mine and you pay yours.”

Me: “Look, I know you are used to the casual way of doing things but I do old school dating. That means whoever does the asking out pays for the date.”

Yaneez: “So basically you want me to spend on you?”

Me: “No more that I would if I’d asked you out.”

From there it spiraled into how he will only pay for the date if he was guaranteed to get some physical action after which made me SUPER angry!

mindy angry

For the f***ing love of the gods, while I am no prude, what the hell happened to just talking and getting to know someone over a meal?!

The who pays for what issue aside, the fact that people didn’t even spend quality time discovering what they liked about someone else by doing activities, attending events or sharing a meal before they made a beast with two backs together at the drop of an ill-written text scared the bejesus out of me.

No wonder more and more women ended up as disillusioned as I was at the scarcity of quality men – the boys who were used to getting what they wanted without putting the effort into growing a relationship by dating were turning into men who cared even less. Everything was going to hell in a basket!

I learnt my lesson and stayed away from anyone under 30 from there on out.

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