Kids, I’ve told you that I am utterly clueless when it comes to men hitting on me but I have no trouble identifying lecherous old men – the ones that are so obvious with their slimy intentions, it makes me want to simultaneously hurl and curl up into a dark corner with my comfort blanket.
This is the tale of two such horrible men who would put even Robert de Niro’s Dirty Grandpa character to shame…
December 2012 …
For my sins, I was being trained to do the Gangam style dance for a Facebook campaign activation, along with my colleagues, in the Visitor Information Centre of our tourism company one summer afternoon.
Post run-through of my decidedly uncoordinated moves, I was enjoying a little bit of free style dancing when a kindly older looking gentleman asked for a dance and I, being of the friendly travel trade industry, happily agreed.
We did a comical mash-up of a jazz and tango before finishing with a flourish and if I thought his hands had slipped to places they shouldn’t have, I quickly squashed those thoughts as being a harmless old man’s folly and thanked him for the dance.
Your lovely Aunt Smurfette informed me later that day that said kindly looking older gentleman was …wait for it … the owner of the brothel across the road! Oh holy mother of dragons … so when he was touching me, he was actually checking out potential future merchandise!!!!
I swear I had at least ten scalding showers in quick succession that afternoon.
April 2016 …
A beautiful Autumn evening had been spent drinking and socializing on a gorgeous Stellenbosch wine estate and I was making the rounds of the food stalls when I ran into a distinguished silver fox.
Unfortunately, this happenstance occurred whilst I was biting into a sausage roll of sorts. I blushed and Mr Man winked at me with a casual ” I already saw that”, flung at me as I scampered off.
At the end of the evening as I was saying my farewells to friends and acquaintances, I ran into him again.
Whilst refusing to let go on my hand and staring into my eyes, Mr Man said: “Why haven’t I been formally introduced to you before? I like watching you put things into your mouth”
F*** a f***king zombie!
Kids, I hightailed it the f*** out of there like the bats of Hell were chasing me and did not look back.
Thanks the gods, old and new, your father was not one of them 😉