How I Met Your Father: The Corny One Hit One Liner Wonders

funny-pick-up-lines-6Kids, being chatted up is as awkward as being the one doing the chatting up… I know because I’ve done both.

To be fair, though, when I’ve had to do it, it was because I needed to interview and photograph someone for whichever blogging site I was working on at the time and people, none more so than middle-aged men, love being told how ridiculously gorgeous and in awe of them you are so they’re only too happy to have their, uh, egos stroked.

Today’s little trip down memory lane, though, is about the absolute corny one liners levelled at me during the course of my young adult life:

December 2003…

“Bring me the bill and put yourself on it…”

I’d just matriculated and the future mother of my godchildren, Tasmyn, had talked me into getting a summer job waitressing at Spur in Claremont. Don’t ask me what convinced me to do it but what followed was the shortest working stint of my career …six weeks of serving people with a taste for life their favourite burgers, cleaning up after their kids and singing that freaking annoying birthday song at least once every hour.

One particularly busy evening, the restaurant was pumping with the festive season crowd and as was customary, if your tables were satisfied for the moment, you needed to check on your team mate’s tables in the same section, for drinks top-ups etc.

So, I stopped by one of the big 12 seater tables, which was made up of a bunch of road-racing, too-low-to-cover-their-asses jeans-clad guys and asked if there was anything they needed.

“Yes,” piped up the big meat-head who was clearly their moron leader, “bring me the bill and put yourself on it!” That, of course, elicited a round of bawdy laughter from the group.

I was 18-years-old and not nearly as sarcastic or good with comebacks as I am now so while I should have said “Oh honey, you couldn’t possibly afford me so don’t embarrass yourself by trying”, I meekly turned around and got their waitron to bring their bill.

November 2012 …

“You look like my next ex-girlfriend …”

library check out

Kids, as you well know, libraries are my sanctuaries – I can spend hours just browsing through books, getting lost in their pages and the magical worlds they create.

On a hot November day, though, I was pressed for time during my lunch hour to get my next literary fix while taking full advantage of the City library’s aircon when a too cool-looking young man appeared out of nowhere.

“Hi,” he says to me, “I couldn’t help noticing that you look like my next ex-girlfriend,” and ended it with a cheesy grin.

Maybe it was heat exhaustion or perhaps I was actually just dumb-founded by his brazenness but I completely lost my cool and told exactly where to shove his stupid pick-up lines.

Needless to say, I stuck to my good ol’faithful Vredehoek library from that day on.

January 2015 …

“You have no idea what the colour green does to me…””

I’d been working at Cape Town’s biggest attraction for two months and I was still getting the hang of the way the business operated which meant I hardly spoke unless spoken to. One of the key components of working for this establishment meant wearing its bright green uniform … think Princess Fiona in Shrek meets The Grinch kind of green

On one of those crazy days where we saw more than 4000 people queuing for their must-have mountain experience, I was waiting beside our ticket office gate for a special media hosting group.

A red bus driver sidles up to me and says: “Girl, you have no idea what the colour green does to me!” followed by a creepy eye wink.

Gods … I know uniforms have a certain amorous appeal (hell, that’s the reason your father has a gladiator costume – sorry, TMI, I know!) but who the heck knew a green outfit could hit the libido too?!

This time I was actually too stunned to respond and let him walk away but you can be sure that I never spent more time than was absolutely necessary in that area ever again.

October 2015 …

“God, woman, where have you been all of my life?!”

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It had been a long weekend of working at a mega convention and I was tired. I was also in no mood for being chatted up by anyone, much less the casino security guard.

So when he stepped directly into my personal space as my bag was being passed through the scanning system and said: “God, woman, where have you been all of my life?!” I barely missed a beat and responded with: “Obviously doing something better with mine.”

That, together with a withering look, was enough to shut him up. Williams 1, Security 0.

Your father, though, obviously had more game, kiddos, and aren’t you glad he did 😉

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