How I Met Your Father: Tales from the Wingman

Kids, Wonder Woman has Batman and Superman watching her back during her superhero battles. Me, I have the best hero of them all :  Tendai, legendary blogger and epic wingman. Today, I’m letting him take over the storytelling ..

Hey Fazie’s kids. This is your drunk and fun uncle, Tendai. I figured I might as well tell you my side of this journey to the best of my memory. It turns out I’ve had too much fun over the years and my memory is a bit hazy. Just a bit! Stop laughing and go get me some of “daddy’s juice”.

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August 2013

I was an intern where your mother used to work. I was young and inexperienced, and let me not forget to mention how afraid I was of the women I used to work with. Ya, I was the only guy in my department. How that happened I don’t know but I’m glad it did. My time there, I learnt a lot about women. A lot! Topics included babies, contraceptives, food, and a lot of R-Rated conversations. I learnt a lot. Obviously not enough to give the men the secret to understanding women, but I did learn enough to improve my knowledge of women. I went from 5% worth of knowledge to 7%. Like all men, I failed to listen majority of the time. Yup, that’s right, men don’t listen majority of the time women talk.

I digress. I needed a break from being the most awesome intern the company had ever seen. So for my break I went to your mother’s desk and I forced her to procrastinate. We had a conversation about “28 dates before 28”. It sounded like a romantic comedy, one good enough to gross roughly $300 million easily. Never been done before and in my mind I saw an opportunity for a movie script or a TV show. I had $$$$ in my eyes and completely forgot what Fazie was telling me. The “typical man” kicked in. I zoned in and out of the conversation so I remember very little.

One night I was at a bar the topic came back to me and I thought about it even more. Fazie was to go on 28 dates before she turned 28 years old. Her birthday being in November that meant she had to go on 2 dates per week to make her goal. Did Cape Town have enough quality men for her to go on her dates? What would happen if she didn’t make it to 28 dates?

With a notion of 28 dates before 28 and her quest of wanting to find your daddy, I tried to put myself in her shoes. To try understand her more and to see how I could help. She was 27, prime, fun and the ultimate socialite. How does one tie her down? Could this work? Could she manage to find a bachelor that is worth her time, loves vampires and feed her chocolate in her time of need? It got very technical very fast so I finished my beer, sent a WhatsApp to a particular female and decided to go back to what I know, being a bachelor in the streets of Cape Town. “Hey, wanna come over?”

Back to the topic. I would occasionally get a status update from Fazie as to how her dates were going. It turns out she was slacking. “Too much work” or “not enough time” were some of her many excuses! I was baffled by this. You would think she would have found your father earlier. She did try but the men in Cape Town were not what I expected them to be.

Considering I was one of them at the time, it made sense as to why it wasn’t easy. I could only imagine her meeting me in the streets and hoping to settle down and have you guys. Ha! Her chances of finding your daddy dropped exponentially. Each time I wanted to help, I would get a WhatsApp saying “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” Sorry but I have to respond to this.

April 2014

Your mother is still single and my phone didn’t stop blowing up. I guess nothing had changed and unfortunately she didn’t make 28 dates before 28. Your mother did make an effort. All in her tales which I’m sure you’re enjoying. She has had some interesting encounters with the men of Cape Town. I had lost track as to how many dates she had been on but from what I saw, it may be a while before she finds her baby daddy.

You would think Cape Town had great guys, guys that she could go home to and cater to. It’s Cape Town, where are all the good guys at? Obviously we hang out at the same place. It takes an asshole to know an asshole. So I took it upon myself to be her wingman. It has been an interesting journey and I gotta be honest, it has been fun. No regrets but the one failure, I didn’t get your mother her man for the night.

Rocking the ultimate wingman duty on one of our crazy nights out!
Rocking the ultimate wingman duty on one of our crazy nights out!

The nights we had were memorable, from the guy she terrorised at work that we ended up partying with – I swear there was some “tension” of some sort between them, to a guy from Stellies that we met at a friend’s farewell who she deemed to be “too young for her”. Not to forget she actually dropped the ball on this one. She can be useless at seeing opportunities.  A lot of the times I wished I could go with her on her dates, pull up a chair and coach her as the date went by. I think even then she would still drop the ball.

Your mother is too much fun and she tends to light a fire in the loins of lesbians. Now that I think about it, she might as well find herself a lesbian. Who knows, it may work out for her.

Cape Town is an interesting city. Your mum’s inability to find a male suitor has been puzzling me for the longest time. The men are of a different nature. Nothing against the good guys out there but I’m starting to feel like the good guys don’t exist.

If there are guys like me out there, not afraid to be in the shadows or the confinements of their homes then your mother is in trouble. It’s guys like me that can be found anywhere in Cape Town and I can tell you, commitment doesn’t exist in our wiring.

We are found at every party, every function and even functions we don’t have an invite to. We liven the parties up, we chat up all the attractive women at the party and convince them to leave this party to go to another.

Basically make them leave their home ground and take them to ours. Once there, it’s almost a done deal. A couple of drinks, dance a little, flirt a lot then we have “our one hand on her thigh”. That means it’s nearly time to take her home, do what we know how to do best, then forget about her by 9am the following day.

Love does exist in Cape Town. Don’t get me wrong, it’s there. Somewhere! If guys like me can be found in the streets then love will only be in one direction. Cape Town has gorgeous women, it’s only right I have my one hand on as many thighs as possible.

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